I dated only two boys during all of high school, bouncing between them ad nauseam (not unlike Rory). Once I moved and started my college career at the somewhat small University of North Florida, I ditched this pattern. It's all because of a simple passing nugget of wisdom a co-worker gave me: "
Why not try a lot and see what you like?" Yeah! Why not?
At the tender age of 18, I had already carved a permanent paint-by-numbers of who my ideal soulmate would be. A smart musician -- preferably a guitarist, a year or so older than me -- who couldn't help but fawn over me, but could make a mean quesadilla. But here's when another old sagacious phrase applies -- it's the definition of insanity -- "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I kept dating the same dudes and the same
kind of dudes. Each time ended in a screeching halt of failure. But each time also started the same, holding the same components. Why did I think any spin on the same old coupling be different?
Let me be clear that while I advocate the practice of
dating around, I do not recommend
sleeping around. Not only does that often ignite a whirlwind of emotional trauma, it just ain't the safest move. Again, "seeing" people in the context of this post doesn't not insinuate that that should include sex. Moving along...
It felt good to break free from the "type" I'd resigned myself to before. I dated guys very different from me and dissimilar from those I'd been with in the past. I went out with a hip-hop DJ in his late '20s for a few months and learned that with age does not necessarily come maturity (I did, however, learn a great deal about scratching vinyl and graphic novels). I also hung around a pro skater from Delaware for a spell and found that my once-enchantment with that culture died along with my adoration of Sum 41. There was a Scottish guy with a massive record collection, a thoughtful, quiet drummer girl, a published chemist who doubled as a bike snob, an artist from St. Augustine with his head forever in the clouds, the sweetest guitarist who continues to be one of my closest friends... it's a long list. But from each relationship, I better learned what it is I need and don't need from a romantic partner.
A lot of friends teased me about being a serial dater then, as a bulk of my relationships/flings didn't last longer than a few months. But the reason for that is just because I was a fan of dating around does not mean I was ever a fan of lying -- to myself or others. If I or my partner wasn't feeling the relationship, there was no reason to force it along. Instead, we'd probably split after a short while usually and leave on good terms. It was a casual thing. And I always made completely certain that we were on the same pages about our feelings -- meaning, I definitely didn't toss around the L-word or lead anyone on (or get led). It's a practice I think
can be done tactfully.
Besides the educational side of seeing many different people during college, simply put, I had a lot of fun getting to know all of them. I wasn't in a big hurry to find a serious, for-keeps relationship (apparently that was destined for a bit later). I was 18, 19, 20, 21 or 22 when all this happened. Just a baby! I was always under the impression that that time in one's life is particularly reserved for educating yourself -- about the world and yourself.
I wouldn't recommend this practice for everyone and certainly not forever, but for me, it really opened my eyes. There's a lot of awesome people out there. Even if not a whole bunch of them are not for you, as a romantic, long-term partner, that doesn't mean you two can't mean something else to each other for a while.
Are you especially selective with who you date? Do you have a "type"? Am I a big moron for embracing this lifestyle in college?
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Comments (20)
I wouldn't say you're a moron. I wouldn't say you're being too 'open' either. I'd say you're at that healthy in between spot where you're exploring your possibilities with a handful of other people who (hopefully) are doing the same. If nothing else, you're gaining valuable experience for when you eventually marry as you'll have a history to draw back on when it comes to future events with your spouse.
You should meet a lot of people, you should be friends with as many people you can, but I don't think I'd be able to open myself to a relationship with or without sex just to see if I like it. You see, you should give it a try once you get to know someone in a friendly environment, without making assumptions on "Type", but you should take your time to just be friends before jumping into dating. That's just what I think.
I just dated one boy in all my life, so I'm not the most experienced person :P
I think everyone is different and if this works for you then go for it. I am way more picky, even when it comes to making friends let alone looking for someone date-worthy. Not like I am a perfect catch but if I'm going to spend mass amounts of time around a person they better be fucking amazing. But that is just me.
I don't agree with dating around casually. I also don't agree with sticking with casual friendships either, though. I've got a few friends who've had plenty of relationships and none of the relationships really seem truly serious, and yet they'd go and say how much they were in love. I've been in only two more serious relationships, the first being short (but I definitely fell hard for him, and he broke my heart that bastard!) and the second being a rebound (and I broke his heart, which made me feel horrible and wonderful at the same time because breaking it off meant I was finally being honest with myself and with him once I figured out that it wasn't something I was really totally wanting). I've had a few other guys that I've dated for short periods, and those ended because the guys were just... not my cup of tea. But going into it there was never any idea that it would just be a casual thing, so if I enter into a relationship it is because I have strong emotional feelings for the person and want to pursue those feelings, and if the feelings happen to change then that's what happens.
As for dating outside of your comfort zone, totally. I think I used to have more of a type, you know, the super artsy guy. But as I've learned more about myself I've found that I don't really have a type anymore. I've had crushes on super athletic guys, super smart and somewhat nerdy (not in the cutest way) guys, artsy guys, musicians, people who don't really fit a specific stereotype... For me it's more about an initial chemistry with a stranger, one of those things you feel and can't explain, and with people I know it's more about cliquing on a personal level. They can be quite different from me in some respects, but if we have a great time then romance could blossom from it. If I felt some type of chemistry with someone or if they asked me out and I didn't have any real positive or negative feelings towards them, I'd go on the date.
I dunno if any of that even contradicts itself or not lol. Oh, I just remembered that in high school I had a crush on someone who'd be considered kind of a metal guy. I think it was the hair man. And he lives in my neighbourhood, I've seen him around sometimes. I will say though that I'm partial to gingers.
It sounds like you were very mature and independent minded. I wish I had done the same. So whereabouts are you now, in terms of dating? I ask that as it sounds like your serial dating days are in the past-tense.
i think dating around is actually better than sleeping around, which just means meaningless sex for the sake of having someone around with you.
you were getting to know a lot of people, and that's usually how you get to know yourself as well.
I have two friends who dont date around but kiss around. They'd rather make out with their guys who are their friends then be in relationships. Its just weird to me but to each their own?
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - Two years strong with the boyfriend! Yep, these are days past, but I felt the advice was valuable at least for me and worth trumpeting around in case it might help someone else, too!
I can understand dating around, but I'm not sure if I ever would. Well, I guess I would go on dates with people to sort of try it out without actually getting in a relationship. I don't really know the definition of dating around, I guess. I've never been in a relationship or even gone on a date so I don't know much about dating.
Meh, I don't really like to date around anymore, those I used to a lot. In fact, I was purposefully single the past year to focus on my studies & myself. I definitely recommend it, it was great to reflect on what I really wanted in a relationship. This year's resolution is to apply what I learned to a relationship.
i wish i would've in undergrad... oh well. i still can while im in grad school! selection is smaller... but i have a positive outlook :) no you're not a moron, i think dating around is an AWESOME idea. plus, you put it out there on the table you were dating others... you were still being courteous.
To each their own.
Go Ospreys
I love the idea of this! I think it would be a lot of fun. I also think I would have an easier time with it if I were a little more smooth and had more tact haha.
Yes, 100% agree.
Also make sure the people you date don't cause too much drama and get in the way of your studies. <--totally went into mothering-mode here.
Love this blog!
i don't think there's anything wrong with dating around. as long as you know how to keep your legs closed and a dick out of your mouth, youre good. I believe we should live for every experience but I also think that in those experiences you need to be smart.
Love the pic!
HAH, if only my social skills and fear of relationships allowed me to date!