Meet my fiancé and I. In May, we graduated from college together -- we were in the same capstone seminar and everything! Cue the "awwwws." A few days after graduation, I moved back to my hometown... while he stayed behind in a different state to finish getting his teacher certification. We're not the first couple to have a long distance relationship, but we also decided to get engaged about three months into the one year (and a few months) separation.
Getting engaged wasn't something I ever imagined would happen to me -- but obviously, I'm glad I did! He is the best thing that ever happened to me and there isn't a day that I don't get sad that I don't have him here. But there are a lot of things we do to keep our spirits up.
1. Constant contact not required. Early in the summer, when I first moved back home, I wanted to talk to him constantly. But that almost made it worse. Hearing about his life, which I wasn't really able to experience for myself, was painful. It was the same for him. Hearing about my struggles getting a job, my difficulties with my grandfather's illness and my sadness over feeling "forgotten" by my family made him want to drop everything to just come over. It was just a way of torturing each other. We've restricted ourselves to short Skype calls throughout the week, with one long call on the weekend and just a few texts a day.
2. There's really no reason to be jealous. When we first got engaged, I found myself getting jealous about his ex-girlfriends. I will admit to just not liking most of them. But hearing him talk about seeing them at parties or seeing him interact with them on Facebook was more than I could handle. It's something he eventually talked me out of: there's no reason to be jealous of them. The only thing they have is that they dated him before me. But I'm the only girl he ever proposed to and I'm the only person he wants to marry. We both have to remember that.
3. Close enough, but far enough. The hard thing about where we both live right now is that it's only a day's drive away. So if I felt like it (and most days, I do), I could hop in my car and be to his house in eight hours. We both have to resist the urge to just escape though, because I have a life here and he has a life there and we both have to get through this year independently to be stronger together.
4. "I love you" can never be worn out. Neither can "I miss you." When we were first apart, we both agreed to not wear out the phrases "I love you" and "I miss you." By that, we meant not repeating them constantly. Eventually, though, we found it was just better to say it. When he would have a bad day and call me on Skype, just to say, "I love you and I miss you," it instantly made him feel better and it made me see, over and over again, how much I love him and how much he loves me. You can never wear out the lovey-dovey language, so never stop using it. The number one way I stop myself from getting mad at him and causing a fight is by telling him, "I love you." Fighting is unnecessary when you're in love.
Are you in a long distance relationship? Do you have any advice, any lessons for other Lovelies out there?
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Comments (22)
Limiting contact? Not exactly the route I'd go, but I'm an attention whore.
When my boyfriend was in Florida and I was in DC, we did a lot of Skype dinner dates and drinks. That way it kept things relatively normal -- since if we were in the same city, we'd probably be sharing a meal and whiskey anyway.
I especially agree with No. 2. Getting jealous when you're not together physically can be super easy. It's important to not give in to the undeserved envy!
Great list, Michelle!
I know what you're going though! My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and we go to different (and of course, rival) universities. I DEFINITELY agree about number 1. I was always complaining at first of how I didn't feel like I was taking part in his life because I'm a few hours away. It's still hard to be honest.
You CAN overdo it on the lovey dovey stuff. It can get clingy and a bit overbearing sometimes - no matter how much you love someone, you don't need to hear "I love you" at the end of every text message.
Sorry but all I have to say is, big effin' deal you're in different states. My ex and I... he was in Australia and I was in the Caribbean. My current SO and I... he was in Russia and I was in the US, but now I moved to Russia.
It's not a long distance relationship if you're a short flight away from them, IMO.
@MoonFaeEyryan@xanga - But realistically, given a typical income, how often can one afford a (no matter how small) flight every two weeks or so? I mean, if you have the budget, that would be reasonable, but I know I definitely couldn't afford that while unpaid interning in Washington DC.
What sort of tricks did you and your boyfriend try to keep close before you moved to Russia? How did the time change affect things? I'd love to hear your tips! :)
8 HOUR DRIVE UNFAIR DOESN'T EVEN COUNT ASLDJF;AFJK ;____;
i have to completely disagree with number 1.
Long distance relationships are different for everyone! You can't say that 8 hours is too short or set limits. What may be long-distance for one couple may not be for another couple. My boyfriend and I only live an hour and 45 minutes away, we both have busy lives and I don't have a car so that makes it somewhat difficult to see each other. A long-distance relationship is a long-distance relationship, no matter 150 miles or 1,000 miles or even more.
Never effin' again...will I consider it.
That is all.
My fiance' and i are 4400 miles away, He's in England and I'm in chicago. We do constant txting, calling and webcamming. Never done a "date" online. We use facebook alot and mobile messengers on our phones when we're out, to be honest i couldn't imagine limiting contact, if we don't talk for longer then 12-13hrs I go nuts! He was in the hospital for a week and it was torture, luckily I have amazing future in laws who kept me updated when he was in ICU for 2days.
My husband and I are currently in a long distance marriage because of our careers. One of us lives on the East Coast and the other lives on the West Coast. We manage to keep our marriage stronger than ever by staying in contact multiple times per day (or as often as we did while living together). We text and google chat throughout the day and then skype at night. Often we are off doing our own thing while skype is on - such as cooking dinner, watching tv, etc. The point is to keep it similar to how our day to day life would be were we not living on separate sides of the country. We also often schedule "dates." We'll both redbox the same movie, start it at the same time, turn on skype, and have a date! It's not quite the same as if we were living under the same roof, but if you're dedicated to your relationship, it can still be great.
I stopped reading after, "Meet my fiance and I." You should have said, "Meet my fiance and me." You and your fiance are not the subjects of that sentence. I hope the rest of the post was good, but I won't be reading it.
Good luck with that. I did three years long distance and now we're married. I'd say it's rough for whichever one of you has to move to the other one's area in due time. Though, it can be done seamlessly if you're an at all normal person. I wouldn't make so many rules though... Just do as you do and of course talk as much as you need and of course VISIT one another!
@TallTanYoungLovely@xanga - Well, aren't you a prissy one? You refuse to read a nice post because of a small grammatical error? That says a lot about you. You even made a comment about your stuck-up attitude. How rude of you.
@beca - Whiskeyyyy. Yes.
@andsoitgoes - "You mad, bro?"
@Corrie - Haha, your Redbox/Skype dates are cute! :]
Too. Cute. And great tips. My relationship will turn into an LDR over winter break, so it may be a bit of a challenge for the month.
Lol guess my 2 hour drive to see my SO doesn't count :p
Anyhow, I disagree on some of these tips but I guess everyone has the way that works best for them :) you two are adorable.
My boyfriend of over two and a half years in now going to school 5-ish hours away. It does bug me sometimes when he doesn't just send me a text saying either "Good Morning" or asking me how my day is. We don't need to have a full blown conversation everyday, but something small to reassure he thinks about me every so often would be nice.
(I guess my relationship doesn't qualify as LDR either, oh well, I'm still commenting.)
I do agree with @articulate_silence@xanga, whatever works best for each couple cause obviously everyone's different.
As for tip 2, I think it's true for the most part, but for those who aren't sure if they want to take that next step with their SO, jealousy might be a little hard to overcome.
Love this list. My boyfriend and I are currently in a LDR and it's working well for the moment. I definitely think limiting contact is important. I mean, it's important to remember that you both have lives outside one another. It's definitely hard to resist wanting to talk to him for hours, but thats more because I feel happier when i'm talking to him. I think another important thing is to try and keep yourself busy. My SO works a lot, he never stops and although this wears him out, if he just sat and did nothing he'd constantly be thinking about me and how much he missed me. It's the same for me. I try my hardest to keep myself busy and although he never leaves my mind and I never stop missing him, it makes it a little bit easier to handle. I also admire that although he works as much as he does, he still finds the time to send me a text or spend an hour on the phone to me and make sure i'm okay. To me that means a lot.
I also love the last one, I always worry that i'm going to over-do it on the 'I love you' and 'I miss you' and then it'll lose it's meaning, but a lot of the time I just want to remind him that I am thinking about him and missing him lots. And I love it when he says it to me. Those spontaneous messages that simply say 'I miss you' or 'I love you'.Although long distance is hard, I think it's rewarding. We'll appreciate each other more when we're in each others company and even now, we appreciate when we have the time to talk to each other. However, not a day goes by where I don't wish he was here with me!
Congratulations on your engagement by the way!