Thursday, 27 October 2011
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Why I Am (Probably) Never Getting Married
When I was younger, I was never the type of girl who dreamed about her wedding. The white dresses, the veils, the garters, the wedding cake -- none of that appealed to me. I'd much rather fantasize about living in IKEA or going to college or getting my Hogwarts letter (admit it! you did it too!). I always assumed that when I got married, it would be nothing greater in fanfare than a large-ish party or just a quick ceremony in front of a justice of the peace. A Big White Wedding was never really something I had in the cards.
But lately I've been thinking about my views on marriage in general, and I'm beginning to doubt that I will get married, ever. (Don't worry. You can put away the vomit bags. This isn't the kind of rant where I complain about how I'll never be able to find a man.)
I was actually really annoyed by Kate Middleton's previous nickname, "Waity Katie." If my boyfriend likes it -- sorry Beyonce -- I don't necessarily feel he needs to put a ring on it. To me, getting married isn't the ultimate representation of love, it's a legal contract that's loaded with privilege. It's a path that, since day one, you're supposed to want. It's your final destination. I'm not exactly anti-marriage, but I am anti-marriage as the ultimate destination in life. Instead, I want to make a commitment to living a fulfilling life, without necessarily being tied to another person.
I like my independence and I don't think I need to "prove" my love or commitment by getting married--and the fact that I don't legally need to do this just indicates to me that the institution of marriage isn't even rooted in romantic love. Cynical? Maybe. I love romantic comedies, I read cheesy YA novels and Jane Austen, but marriage is a societal institution.
Of course, I'm only 19 years old now. Even if I do get married, it won't be for a long time, so I am open to the fact that my views on marriage might change in time. There are a lot of benefits to being married that aren't afforded to legally single people. Maybe one day I'll marry someone I love so I can keep them in the country or reap certain employee benefits. Maybe one day I'll just suddenly "know" that it's something I want to do. Maybe an insane desire to replicate Kim Kardashian's life will suddenly overtake me.
I know there's a possibility that will happen, that I will get married, and I am completely OK with that. Right now I don't feel any rush or internal drive to get married and I don't think there's anything wrong with that -- it's my choice. And it's a choice that I am thankful to have. Though if I do get hitched, you can damn well bet I'm keeping my last name.
What are your views on marriage? Do you think you will get married?
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- From: Brie
- Name: Brie
- About Me: I'm a college student who loves typography, coffee, cozy cardigans and slouchy sweaters, television, teen movies, and the iCal function on my laptop. Follow me on Twitter at @briehiramine!
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Comments (42)
Of course I'm getting married. I want wedding cake.
I feel very similar about it. I hate that so many of my friends see it as the end-all, be-all of life. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and a couple of my friends have excitedly asked, "Do you think you'll get married?" Uh, no... I think we'll remain together as long as we make each other happy, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna legally bind myself to him. That doesn't sound like love to me. That sounds like a contract. Plus I do worry that it would hinder me from living my life to the fullest and all that.
I dunno. I guess all I need from a man is love. I don't need a ring, a wedding, or a new last name. :/
Congrats on being YOU! Don't feel pressured to do what society expects you to do or anything you don't want to do or don't feel ready to do.
For me, I've always felt like I wanted to get married and I knew someday I'd meet my "prince charming," but if I hadn't, I wouldn't get married just to do it. I'm getting married in two years, but simply because I know I love my boyfriend and I want to spend my life with him.
My mom, however, didn't get married until well into her thirties and her and her husband are very happy.
Do what works for you, if/when it works for you. And if marriage doesn't happen to be it, don't get married....as long as you're happy, that's really what matters.
I can't seem myself getting married either, but that is because I have such a large capacity to love and a very small capacity to be disappointed. I could completely dedicate myself to someone, but nothing is more certain than being disappointed and I feel like that would crush my heart. Call it cowardice, and it definitely is, but that's the kind of person I am.
haha i used to say all the time that i would never get married or have kids, and here i am years later married with 3 kids. once that love bug bites...game over lol. no but seriously if or when you meet that special someone things will just naturally happen. although you could always be like brad and angelina and refuse to get married until it's legal for everyone to get married.
I'm wavering in whether or not I want marriage. I *was* one of those girls who fantasized about weddings and being married to the perfect guy, but as I've grown up I've realized there's much more to life than that. I don't know if I want to search for a husband or expect marriage or have kids someday. Now that people I know are doing all those things, it has a different weight.
I went to a wedding about a month or so ago, and though I had no involvement in the proceedings, just having to deal with what was "expected" at a wedding -- how to dress, what kind of gift to bring, massively religious vows -- made me realize if I had to plan my own wedding I'd try to kill someone. I think I'd much rather elope than have this ceremony planned for months with the traditions forced upon me.
I think we focus so much on the wedding that we forget about the marriage. Just some of my thoughts.
Well, being gay and crazy in the head, I don't foresee marriage in my future, so I'm with ya.
I never wanted to get married when I was younger and was actually positive I never would. Like you I never dreamed of a big fancy wedding or even a white dress or that finding my prince crap... nor did... I want kids. Wow did things change... I did end up getting married, to someone I should have said no to, but tha tis neither here nor there, mistakes are made everyday by all kinds of people, and yes my ex-husband is the father of my children, two by the way, you know the ones I never wanted... and I cannot imagine my life without them. They are some of the best parts of my day everyday, they make me happy, even when I get mad at them, they make me laugh. And to be honest I never wanted ot get married again after my marriage was ruined by my ex-husband... long story. I should have been stronger and less naive, but it happens. Mistakes in our choice of who to marry or become romantically involved with I have made that mistake 3 times in life, but after my dibacle/sham of a marriage, i decided I never wanted to be tied to anyone or close to anyone again, but I did try to be close to someone again, made a mistake there, but up until the beginning of this year I never wanted to get married again (that has been the one constant for well over ten yrs now)... Until I met Him. He has become my partner, my lifemate, and the one person I respect to help me with my kids and make decisions... he has made me want to get married again.
If you meet someone don't run from it. :) I have had those exact same feelings. Marriage will take another meaning when you meet the right one.
Most likely.
I think I agree with your every point on there. I might end up married, but as it stands now, I think of marriage as a very expensive contract.
My parents are common law married. They were (and are) very much in love and decided to have a child together (me!). They didn't feel it was necessary to have some piece of paper that said they loved each other when not only did they just happen to already know this, but they had a human being they created that represented their love quite enough. They did end up getting common law married eventually, but only for the benefits that come from it legally/financially. I, however, want to get married someday. Not because I feel like I have to (my parents are proof it's unnecessary) but because I want all the trappings and traditions. I want to have a beautiful dress and have a day that is all about me. I want a raging party with all my friends and family, because it seems the only time we're all together is for funerals, and no one wants that. If it weren't for my desire for a wedding itself, I wouldn't bother with traditional marriage.
You go girl! I applaud you for going with what works for you. Not what other people want for you. What do they know? It's true society defines what all of us should do; hence the term normal. If we do not do what society tells us to do then we are 'abnormal' or 'weird.' I say listen to yourself and ignore the naysayers. You are following your heart and making yourself happy.
Love is truly important to all of us.
No matter what we decide to do with it.
♥
I think it's kind of sad that so many people are seeing marriage as unnecessary... whereas, it used to be that people got married, then had kids, and led their lives that way... not saying this is wrong, but it saddens me for some reason
I guess because I look at marriage and I see something positive and sweet about it, and since I've met the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, I want to do it "right" (right for me, that is)... I want us to marry, eventually have a baby together, have our careers before, throughout and after all of this... I wish marriage weren't taken as a joke - not that you're taking it as one, but many people do
i've watched a lot of marriages fall apart but through it all, i still do want to marry someone and spend the rest of my life with that person that i love so much and will love more every day.
This is your opinion, but I personally want to get married. It's a celebration of mine and my boyfriend's love and we're announcing it to everyone. I'm 19 and I've known I wanted to get married forever; it's just been confirmed by being with the love of my life. Yes, I'm waiting another 5-6 years to get married, but I know I do.
I have been married. Lately, I've been thinking I may not marry again. There's a lot of bullshit to deal with.
Thank god for you. Bless this post. haha
Marriage isn't for everyone and certainly not a prerequisite for a happy and fulfilling life.
I know plenty of ppl who are not happy in their marriages, but I am not one of them. I am so grateful for the great man whom I married who is my best friend. We've been married 33 years. Not all perfect years! But, in the end, they have been far better than I dared hope.
Christy
I'm sorry you see marriage as just a pile of legal papers. That's really not what it's supposed to be all about. Being able to say, "Hi guys, this is my boyfriend. We live together. We love each other, but don't need a piece of paper to prove it" feels weak compared to, "Hi guys, this is my husband. This is the man I've declared myself bound to until death do us part. This is the man who carries a symbol of our unity on his finger, and a man who will walk through every single part of life with me, not only because we are in love, but because we made life-changing vows in front of many witnesses that we refuse to let be broken by disputes. We've made a concrete step to close any other options and to spend the rest of our entire lives making each other happy, and to complete this journey of life together."
If you don't feel marriage is your thing, that's fine. But I will never believe that it's just a legal document. It means so much more.
Wonderfully written post. Exact same point of view, except you... explain the perception a lot better than I ever could have. :O) And you're 19! Wise thinkin' for a youngin'!
I don't want to tell you "oh you're only 19 you'll change your mind!" but in all likelihood, life throws experiences at us that changes our perspectives. I think whether you get married or not you have a real healthy attitude about having a fulfilling life before tying yourself down to anything.
I hope I get married. Actually, I guess I don't care TOO much either way, though legal benefits are nice. I just want to find someone to spend my life with, wake up to every morning. If not a husband, I would at least like a domestic partner haha. NOW if kids come into the picture, I most definitely feel like we should be married.
The wedding itself...I guess I just want a really delicious dinner and cake to celebrate. And a super awesome honeymoon somewhere fun. And if it is one of those "in front of everyone" kind of things, I want to be beautiful haha.
I definitely want to get married. I've always wanted to get married. ever since I was little, I remember the idea of getting married and changing my name made me so excited because I thought I would transform into a whole new person hahaha
now I know I'm not going to transform into a whole new person, but I would still like to get married :D
All the power to you!! And goodluck with the constant "you'll change your mind when you get older" remarks. Or when you "meet the right person, he'll change your mind" (uh.. no. I am who I am and I don't want to be with a man who changes me anyway). You might end up changing, but you might not! And people often don't understand the non-desire to be legally attached to another person.
I, for one, hate the idea of becoming legally bound to another person. I like my independence, freedom, and life. I don't date and I don't spend time thinking about relationships. My life is much more successful lol!
So for the record, I said when I was 18 that I would never get married. 5 years later, I'm 23 now and I can say that with even more sureness than ever. I get quite angry when people try to tell me otherwise. I stopped dating at age 19 and haven't dated in 4 years. I have no desire to get mixed up with relationships, especially while so young, when I can focus on having fun and getting somewhere in life =).
I like this, you're quite reasonable. I agree for the most part, but I think I would like being married. Having the wedding is another story, though...