Saturday, 25 July 2009
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I Was Horrified By My Weight
I take my clothes off, preparing for shower. I step forward, looking at myself in the full-length mirror. I gaze into the eyes of the image I see staring back at me. I am disgusted with the appearance of this figure. Who is this person? What happened to my flat stomach and trim body? Is that cellulite I see? Gross.
In a matter of two months I had gained 100 pounds, tipping the scales over 200. There had to be a problem. I was athletic, drank water, and ate decently healthy. No, I didn’t get that way eating an obscene amount of fried chicken, no matter how tasty it is. You know how much southerners love their fried chicken. Regardless of how much time I put in at the gym, I was gaining weight.
I no longer had the desire to eat. If I became hungry, I could quickly remind myself why food wasn’t an option. One quick glance in the mirror was all I could manage without sending my face into spiraling contortions. I started getting physically sick. People around me began accusing me of being bulimic. Even though I wanted the weight to disappear, I wasn’t going to resort to regurgitation.
Pain in my lower right abdomen area became the next symptom. I was screaming with pain as I curled on the floor. I was rushed to the hospital. I was quickly dehydrating from throwing up. I was given fluids and medicine to help the pain.
I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Each person with PCOS reacts differently and has different symptoms. I have a friend with PCOS that never experienced the amount of pain or weight gain that I did. My battle with PCOS has had plenty of extreme moments. Cysts cover my ovaries. Without medicine, and sometimes even with medication, the cysts burst, causing severe pain. Besides the pain, the weight gain was the worst effect.
Currently, there is no cure for PCOS.
It seemed I was almost willing to deal with the pain if I could only rid myself of the weight. Doctors said I wouldn’t be able to lose the weight. If I did, I would only gain it back. I couldn’t imagine seeing that same reflection for the rest of my life. People looked at me differently. I was no longer a victim of corny pick up lines. Friends I had known for so long looked at me pathetically. Family members no longer found it appropriate to purchase clothes for me.
For a little while, I was horrified with myself. I was no longer comfortable in my own skin. The once confident me was replaced by an unrecognizable person that went to great lengths to avoid making eye contact with others.
I met an elderly man when I was working in a nursing home. I can’t remember why he said this, but it changed my life. He said, “Don’t worry about your weight, girl. There is nothing wrong with you. You are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. That’s real beauty.”
I remembered who I was. Even with added weight on the outside, I was the same person. I began walking straighter. I held my head higher. I stopped staring at the floor and made eye contact with the world, once more. I took my insides and brought them outward. Much to my surprise, I became the victim of corny pick up lines again. My friends didn’t look at me awkwardly anymore. My family asked me what size I was wearing, not in a judgemental sense. It wasn’t the weight. It was how I was reacting to the weight. It was how I carried myself.
I was happy again.
I decided in order to be healthy I needed to attempt the weight loss. Being only 5’1” and weighing over 200 was definitely not healthy. In the end, I was successful because of my determination.
I can smile and walk confidently, not because I’m thinner again, but because I’m happy with me. I am me because of who I am inwardly. It’s not about how much you weigh or what you look like. Healthiness is important, but beauty is how you look on the inside.
I am beautiful.
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About the Author
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- From: NoPenniesHere@xanga
- Name: Lissa
- About Me: Live everyday to it's fullest because life is beautiful, even broken moments.
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Comments (285)
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
This was beautiful. :)
indeed beauty must first come from the inside :) great reflection on your journey through a difficult time.
Comm2nt"=]
great post :) I was diagnosed with PCOS in February, and my sister and I both have it. We both also struggle with our weight, and this was very encouraging to read. :)
Thank you so much for sharing this. This was beautiful. :)
An incredible story, your confidence shines through and it is stunning. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
aww im so sorry about your disease! that sounds terrible, and i would have a hard time coping as well! its great to hear you've accepted it as a part of life and are able to let your personality shine through.
Great post. My mom and I both have PCOS, along with multiple other diseases. It's not easy, but know that you're never alone. :)
I think I saw this post on your blog before and commented. Thanks for submitting this. You're awesome and inspiring :D
=)
i love people like you.
like, i have the utmost respect for you guys.
im not really sure why.
and i feel real proud of the people i know personally like you.
great job and thank you so much!
PCOS sounds terrible and it must have been difficult for you. I'm glad you can overcome your disease and not let it bring you down. This is an inspiring story and thank you for sharing. Be proud of yourself
I have PCOS! But this made me feel a LOT better! :)
Thank you for sharing that!
I have PCOS, too and I have been told that I will NEVER be under a size 12, if I ever get back down that far.
I gained fifty pounds in a matter of year, which isn't as drastic as yours, but this is when I was 11 years old (I was diagnosed at 10 years of age) and was the overweight girl.
I hated my body just like you did, but now, I realize that I'm healthy! I exercise, I take vitamins, I don't eat horrible foods, so I don't worry about anymore =].
My boyfriend is very helpful and tells me that I'm beautiful, no matter how small or big I am.
Amazing! Great story. I wonder if that old man is a miracle-maker in disguise.
Huh this reminded me of someone - friend, let's say - who was freaking out because the she kept gaining weight. She was an anorexic. So one of those days she is freking out because the scake keeps showng the larged amounts od "Fat!!! L, it's fat! I am disgusing..." stuff like that, you get the dift. Well to make the story shoer,,, One of those days the damn scale show that I weight 259 LBS. I knew it was impossible so I asked her if she has an xtra battery. She did. And what do you know? She is not 120 lbs but 93 instead, She couldn't believe thet it was because of the battery going dead. Was sad and funny at the same tine.
Lovely story. <3
I feel so inspired.
Aw this made me smile :)
Oh, this gave me shivers. Thank you.
Wow! Thats is a really powerful journey. PCOS is only recently gaining more attention. I think this is like the 3rd time I heard someone mention they have it. Props to you for being so strong in the face of adversity!
Thank you so much for sharing!
That was a wonderful post. <3
My mum has pecos. She struggles with her weight a lot. She managed to get down to being an english size 16/18 and then gained it all back to being a size 22 again. She's still trying to loose weight but she looses confidence very easily because of how easy it is to gain and how hard it is to loose with the disease she has.
It can be such a horrible disease and all the things that come with it people just dont understand and it shouldnt be that you need to explain to them.
You are beautiful, because of how you've handled this and I'm glad you've realised this now Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ
this has really touched me... thanku.