Sunday, 12 July 2009
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The Size of Beauty
Two weeks ago was the first time she showed up in my water workout class.
"Can I wear a t-shirt?" she asked.
"Do whatever makes you comfortable," I said.
Sometimes it takes a lot of nerve to put on a bathing suit and show up in a water fitness class, especially when you believe yourself larger than everyone else. She isn't. Larger, that is. But she thinks she is.
She had a friend with her and a few minutes into the workout she shed the t-shirt and worked out with the rest of us, putting full energy into it, smiling. It seemed like she was enjoying it.
Last week she came alone. She emerged from the locker room nervously, her towel wrapped tightly around her bathing suit. It was when the guy showed up for class, (a rarity in this particular group,) that she about lost it. "I'll be back," she said, aiming towards the locker room. "I'm going to put on a t-shirt."
I stopped her with a hand on her arm. "Hun, you are fine. You don't need a t-shirt."
She kept staring at the man, oblivoius to the woman he came in with who was shorter than her, but probably weighed about the same. I pointed to his wife. "He's used to women who aren't small," I said, hoping it sounded diplomatic enough while still pointing out the truth.
She had tears in her eyes. "Nobody else here is as big as me."
In fact, at least 3 other people there were her size or larger. I looked her in the eyes and said gently "I don't think you are seeing yourself correctly. You are beautiful, and you have so much going for you."
She really is and does, too. She's quite lovely. Tall, long blonde hair that curls naturally, the way I've always wished mine would, beautiful face, and great curves.
She's stuck in that same mindset that so many of us are in. We think we have to look a certain way, be a certain shape, and carry particular measurements. We think that beauty is defined by our dress size, instead of by who we are.
I wish I could offer her so much more and help her see herself more accurately. I would pay money if self-confidence was a thing you could purchase.
Meanwhile, I'll go back to class tonight and do my best to offer those women (and perhaps even a man or two) an opportunity to have fun, exercise, and be accepted on the basis of who they are, not what they look like.
What do you think of this woman's self-image? How should she approaching overcoming her insecurities?
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About the Author
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- From: PhilippiansThree14@xanga
- Name: Lesley
- Location: Quad Cities, Illinois, United States
- About Me: According to friends (and a few enemies), I am a loose cannon, a rebel, a non-conformist, a free spirit, a true friend, a fun-killer, and a good mom. I attempt to be a writer and hope to one day be published. I am a college student again at the age of 37. I spend most of my online time on Facebook where you can find me under Lesley Rockafellow Webster.
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Comments (38)
It always makes me sad when ladies are so self conscious of their size and weight. =[
She was probably made fun of by someone or a few people. That can have an effect on peoples conciousnes about themselves and their image even if they aren't that big.=( so sad.
Or she saw it happening to another girl, or girls that she thought were the same as her and she ditn want that to happen to her so she started to hide. Something like that.
i get where she's coming from
my stomach isn't the flattest; it sticks out a bit but it seems like a lot to me b/c i have small boobs and my rib cage is pretty outward, also b/c of my running i have a mini female "sex v"
im too self conscious of that to wear a bikini
im aware of the fact my little bit of flab is barely noticable but i still can't bring myself to strap on a bikini and go out
i wish i had the confidence to do so.
it's terrible that women are subjected to this kind of scrutiny -- especially from themselves! i know how it feels, i' do it and have been doing it to myself since i was about twelve. i'm not thin, i'm not fat (5'4", 132 lbs), but i always feel like i have to cover up when i'm at the beach or at the pool because i'm 'the fattest girl there'. i feel sorry for her. she sounds beautiful. the only way to get over that is to rise up against it and accept that you are beautiful.
Sounds like me.
Sometimes, when that image of yourself is something you've carried around with you for a good decade or more, it's hard to shed it. A few kind words probably won't do it.
:[ it's hard to have confidence with an insecurity that many women today have. Especially since it becomes a chain reaction and after one says something, then others start to think and say things about themselves =[
i have a problem with that too, but ladies, please remember that you're beautiful in all ways!
try looking at www.operationbeautiful.com ! it's a good site and spread the love<3
always-Jen.
Poor lady. I never take it in when people call me cute, beautiful, or anything like that because I know the truth: I'm average. Anyway, she needs positive people surrounding her, like you, and she needs to look on the inside and see that she's got everything she needs to be beautiful.
She might want to start retraining how she thinks... This is a large component of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (how we think affects how we behave, and vice versa), and this theory has some wonderful ideas... I believe if people learn to think differently (in her case, more positively) they would have richer, fuller, more beautiful lives.
My best friend has horrible self image problems. She has come so far. She rarely obsesses over food anymore or pinches her butt in her own disgust.
Kudos to you for encouraging her by not saying "You're not as big as those people." I appreciate you saying "You don't see yourself clearly" because the best thing to do to get over a self image problem is to forget about size and weight.
I'm so glad you said that to her. Thank you.
i think when your friend looks at herself in the mirror, she sees a fat girl or someone who's not pretty to others. so she also thinks other people see her the way she sees her self. she's gotta start by loving herself to overcome her insecurities.
reading this made me sad because my self-esteem is directly linked to my weight...one does not go up or down without the other following
I just wish we could all be happy with how we are....great post :) xox
I feel bad for her. I have a friend like her who is actually pretty, but seem to think that she's "too big" (which she's totally not). It's really terrible. Nobody should have to feel ugly or be ashamed of how they look.
ahh gosh.
we are our own enemies...
sounds kinda like me.
Though, I would probably not have shed the t-shirt.
She's probably been bullied or told that she was 'big' or 'not pretty' .
kind words, encouragement and reminders that she is beautiful and loved would probably do her some good.
awww i think it's really great that you gave her some words of encouragement ... i bet you that meant the world to her =)
"I would pay money if self-confidence was a thing you could purchase."
Maybe she had bad experience before, like being teased by other female or male?
I feel in that way too /________\
I just have never had good self-confidence because of an incident when I was little. It's hard to get past it. I have been struggling for a long time, and I still have yet to get over it.
Welcome to our draconian world where self image in relation to weight per height is so sadly distorted that people haven't even got a clue what's actually healthy anymore. The only thing more perplexing is stuff like liquid dieting and acai (or similar weight loss tools) where the weight loss is almost impossible to detect visually.
self confidence is sadly uncommon. sadly.
I can understand how she feels since, well... I'm not thin but I've got curves, lol. And it was sort of hard for me to like myself, appearance wise. But anyway, I think that in order to overcome this problem she'll need to start buying clothes that suits her, fits around her curves and compliments her looks (that's what I did and still do). Also to go out more to build herself confidence, she should also think less about her image and more about enjoying her life, what she needs to look forward to in life.
If that makes any sense.
i feel fat as well but there are people who thinks i'm perfectly alright. I find it hard to think myself as just nice. Sometimes I keep the mindset I'm not fat at all, sometimes I keep the mindset I'm fat. ugh i want to stop thinking i'm fat
I've been in her boat. Sometimes all it takes is a little teasing (even in jest!) to make us self consious. It's taken a long time of good friends telling me every day that those things aren't true, and even still today I'm still extremly self consious.
Its sad how many people (male and female) are like this these days. But all it takes is a little teasing, or "trying to help" from someone else, to start the cycle in someone.
It's amazing how we see ourselves... I'm often baffled when someone says they like a picture that in MY mind I CLEARLY look like a fat burly football player... (yes I am very serious). And on the flip side, I fall in love with a foto of a friend that she thinks she looks so hideous in. Truly aggravating!
There are a lot of things that keep me from certain activities and sometimes keep me from living life. For instance, I'd like to take a swim class... but I know I never will. I'll always see something wrong... "too fat" "look at that scar!" "this thigh looks WEIRD!"
@Complexitii@xanga - No no no!!! You can't stop living your life or following dreams because you are afraid of what people will say!! TAKE THE CLASS!
@xueyo@xanga - @kittykaser@xanga - @joycemiles@xanga - @Dead_Psycho_Mell@xanga - @misstephy@xanga - @JoeytheGenie@xanga - @StAr_AnGeL1092@xanga - @madddielove@xanga - @bitterbittenrockinblonde22@xanga - The point I wanted to make to her, and the one that you should realize too, is that our size is not what makes us who we are. Each of you girls said you don't like your weight. What I'm telling you, is to EMBRACE it. This woman was indeed large. But she was also beautiful. Beauty is not about the extra flab on our tummy or if we look good in a midriff baring tank top. Beauty is about how we carry ourselves, about confidence, about being secure in knowing that WE are valuable for our thoughts and our compassion and our talents and everything we have going for us that has nothing at all to do with the number on the tag inside our jeans.
@Imnotcrazyjustinsane@xanga - @storiesandsinker@xanga - @jesuismir@xanga - It is sad indeed.
@hotpinkstarberry@xanga - @RDQ@xanga - @To__be__or__not__to__be@xanga - People do not realize how much psychological damage is done in the name of "teasing".
@NotAVeryGoodName@xanga - You're very right. I'm not opposed to being healthy. Obviously, since I instruct workout classes. But most people look at me and think my big soft body (I'm short and almost 200 pounds) is fat and unhealthy. What they don't know is that I work out 6 times a week or more, that I'm probably stronger than them, and that I pay attention to what I eat. Being healthy (like being beautiful) isn't something that looks a certain way.
@turnyalightsdownlow@xanga - @mewithoutu77@xanga - @kieri126@xanga - @Agent - @chix0rgirl@xanga - One of the best things you can do for someone who feels ugly because of their size, is to focus on what else makes them a beautiful person. Thank them sincerely when they go out of their way to help you, or compliment them on their success at work or their skillful home decorating or whatever. And then remind them that THIS is what makes them a beautiful person. Beauty is about what's inside radiating to show on the outside.
@LilyMcLane@xanga - @Passionflwr86@xanga - You're right. Those thoughts and self perceptions get ingrained into us and are like parasites, constantly sucking away any good feelings or compliments others might give us. It's difficult to retrain our mind to accept positive feedback. This is why it is vital to learn to love yourself and others.