Yes, this post is a downer. Yes, it sucks to think about domestic violence. But it exists in the world we live in all around us. Maybe somewhere down your street, maybe with somebody you know, maybe it’s happened to you. But, as a warning, this is quite an unpleasant post and if you wish not to be unpleasant-ified, you should probably not read it. I almost debated not posting it because it’s usually futile to try to sway people’s minds that are already made up (I’m stubborn as a mule, so I know this firsthand), but I think domestic violence and the blame game are important topics to discuss considering we’re still in an age where 25% of women will experience domestic violence at some point in our lives.
Whenever I’ve been asked why I don’t support Chris Brown’s, or anybody else who’s harmed their partners, work any longer, I simply state that I can’t. It would be permissive to pretend I still like them when I can’t un-know what I know. I would love to say that I’m one of those people who sees art as art. But I can’t read Transformations by Anne Sexton who, according to Linda Gray Sexton herself, sexually abused her own daughter. Alas, I cannot: I see abuse by beautiful, talented, famous people no less despicable than abuse by any old person on the street or in my apartment building.
“He/she made a mistake” is not a good excuse, particularly when that “mistake” can traumatize a person for life. As I’ve written about in the past, I’ve been raped more than once. Now, if somebody were to tell me that the fellow who attacked me at the ripe old age of 13 and caused my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was just “making a mistake,” I doubt I’d know how to respond and I think that most sensible, non-sociopath human beings would also not quite know how to respond. We would see that a violent crime is a violent crime: calling it a “mistake” does not make it any less violent.
Alas, people have somehow time and time again blamed Rihanna — I would provide more links but (1)we all know it’s true and (2)searching would simply depress me — for being beaten. Tweets like “Chris Brown can beat me any day” and “she was probably being really annoying” make me sick to read. Since when is being beaten by your significant other a desirable thing? Just because he’s famous and attractive, that makes it all right? But whether you’re talking about a person being sexually assaulted or beaten up, it’s incredibly similar: it’s unwanted, brutal violence done purely to gain power over another human being. Blaming her for how she behaves at any point after not only comes off as sexist, it’s also completely ridiculous. Who are we to judge how PTSD may have affected her? Sure, she’s a public figure which makes her actions easier to scrutinize, but does that mean she is suddenly to blame if she does things to save her own sanity?
Believe me, I am definitely guilty of occasionally questioning her actions and I fully understand why we feel the need to do so. (By the way, these actions I question do not, of course, include the whole “S&M” thing. I still don’t understand why so many people, including friends of mine, think that consensual activity between adults is the same as being brutally assaulted without any consent whatsoever. I’ve had somebody punch me in the face before without my consent and I’ve also had somebody inflict light pain during intimacy: I promise, it’s different. It’s incomparable.) But, in regard to her publicly stating that she cares about him still and being friendly towards him, I too have thought, “?!” when I’ve read about or watched those actions.
If you were walking down the street and some random person grabbed your purse then punched you in the face, then you pressed charges, would you be all right with your friends and neighbors and peers that telling you that they would be happy to let that person assault them? If that person were to face minimal repercussions, would it still be all right that strangers openly state that you were somehow asking for it? Of course not. But for some reason, domestic violence (and rape, for that matter) is simply not seen as the same sort of crime.
Yet, at the same time, people have insisted on Usher actually apologizing for criticizing Chris Brown. How does that make sense? What sort of world is this when somebody can be forced to apologize to a perpetrator for saying he shouldn’t have assaulted his girlfriend? What sort of world are we living in when a woman can actually report the crime and have photos taken of her face and have the assailant actually admit his crime, yet people will still insist she’s lying and somehow her story isn’t the whole one? It’s the same one in which 40% of teen girls ages 14 to 17 know somebody who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. What message are we sending them that if you openly admit that somebody has assaulted you, your actions will be criticized for years whereas anybody who criticizes his is somehow a “hater” that needs to calm down and move on?
So instead of asking, “WTF is Rihanna doing?” we should instead ask what the perpetrator, who chose all of this to occur from the second he punched his girlfriend, is doing by going anywhere near her. When we ask, “What is Rihanna teaching her young fans?” instead we can ask, “What are the VMAs and other awards shows or productions teaching its viewers by allowing him to be onstage?”
I am by no means trying to judge or condemn those who have questioned her behavior; as I said, I have also done that. I just want to help propel the conversation in a different direction. I fully acknowledge that this isn’t the most popular opinion, but I definitely still want to hear what the rest of you have to say on this sensitive issue.
hydrangea / 59 posts
I agree wholeheartedly.
It’s like how society teaches us “don’t get raped”, instead of”don’t rape.” The responsibility in situations like domestic violence and rape should be solely on the perpetuator.
sunflower / 300 posts
@Lindsay - GUH, yes. The way they hand out rape whistles at the beginning of college as opposed to — rather than in addition to — having seminars on what constitutes rape and how horrible its impact can be and etc. They’d rather tell people not to walk around alone at night than acknowledge that a permissive culture is half the problem. And when I’ve had people tell me that it’s “just life” and “being realistic” to feel unsafe, I get so upset; what other violent problems would we tell people to just “deal with it” about?
guest
GREAT post. Thank you.
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Women who think that abuse is ok (or sexy, hot etc.) when it is wrapped in a good looking package are lucky enough to have never been abused in their lives. You kind of have to grit your teeth and let them have their naivety. There are also some people that you can “inform” all you want and they won’t change their minds.
orchid / 106 posts
Amazing post, Sam. Victim blaming doesn’t help the problem whatsoever and good god, someone please install a moral compass on Twitter.
daisy / 603 posts
I don’t blame Rihanna for being abused, but I do blame her for staying with him.
My mother was abused (by my father unfortunately) and I know it was terribly hard for her. She stayed with him for many years, but eventually she got up the courage to leave because it was the best decision for both of us and she wanted to be a good role model. Rihanna may not have any children of her own to be a good role model for, but as a celebrity, I think she should leave to show young women who look up to her that it is not okay to deal with abuse.
tulip / 6 posts
Great post and I think it really puts me in perspective how our society tends to ‘victim-blame’. Before reading this post, I would sometimes think that Rihanna to some extent is a bad role model because WHY does she want to get back with someone that has hit her!? Doesn’t she have more self-respect?
Then when I read your post, I realized, she did not do anything wrong (…well other than the fact that she still wants to be with him… but that’s my POV). He is the one that acted violently against her, yet she is the one who seems to be getting the steam from everyone even though this incident happened 3 years ago. Everyone on the other hand seems to have forgotten that he was the one abused her, and people continue to idolize him and act like he had done nothing wrong. It’s quite disturbing to how messed up our society is…
guest
Reading your old post made me cry. I’ve been a victim of sexual assault by three different so called men. I do think it’s wrong to blame Rihanna. But I also understand why people are being hard on her. She’s so famous and a lot of people look up to her. So I feel like she’s setting a bad example and showing girls that what Chris Brown did was okay.
hydrangea / 77 posts
Such an amazing post! And I completely agree!
sunflower / 300 posts
@lovelybish@xanga - I once spoke briefly at a Take Back the Night event at my college and something this one girl, also a repeat survivor, said helped me realize in a strange way why it happens.She said, “When you get bitten by a shark, your blood spreads through the water. Then all the other sharks come.” So many people are repeat victims and it’s incredibly sad to imagine. I’m so sorry you too know that feeling.
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@samescobar - wow yeah… and thanks. it’s horrible. the last incident was very recent… less than 2 months ago. but someone here on Xanga convinced me to go to the police and it’s being investigated now. I just wish I would have reported the other two. especially the one that happened when I was a kid. I hope one day I’ll be able to move on from that because I’m still feeling the same things you described in your post.
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I worry about her, as a fellow human being and woman, whenever I hear about them getting back together or interacting. But let it be known, if he ever beats her again, it’s still not her fault and she still is not to blame.
I do want to throw out the idea of redemption, though. Not in the way that Rihanna should ever forgive him or give him a second chance, though she seems to have somewhat. People should be given a chance to make their own choice if they care to support someone who has committed a certain crime. Michael Vick comes to mind. When he came to Philadelphia, he had to assist with the PSPCA and has redeemed himself by taking a stand against his own crime. Animal welfare is an important issue to me, so while I despise him for what he did, I accept his attempt at redemption. With domestic violence, I do believe that a man can redeem himself in the eyes of society (again, not to mean that the woman should ever be with him again) by admitting to what he did, going to therapy, speaking out against him crime, donating money toward the victims of domestic abuse. I have no idea what Chris Brown has done since, but he shouldn’t be blacklisted from everything if he has attempted to redeem himself. If he wasn’t an entertainer and had a different career, it wouldn’t be expected that his career would be automatically over.
guest
Great article!
I definitely worry for Rihanna. When I read the police report after they released it, I cried. It was just that brutal. When I hear about them getting back together I at first think “Oh no, Rihanna, why would you do that?” But I stop myself and remember one thing that most people don’t seem to realize: Abusive men are manipulative. I always assumed I’d never be victimized and I was too smart and tough to stick around. Then I ended up in a 2 year debacle with an emotionally and verbally abusive boy (I can’t handle calling him a man). Abusive men manipulate. I’m sure he’s convinced her that he has changed. Maybe there is a small chance that he has, but he likely hasn’t. My abuser was well on his way to physical abuse before I finally ended it. His very next girlfriend has been a victim of his physical abuse, so I was lucky to get out when I did. Most likely, poor Rihanna has been manipulated by her abuser, and instead of judging her, we must hope that she gets out before it gets too bad. She may be a public figure, but she is also human.
guest
hmmm, to save ones sanity …
guest
@Shytooth@xanga - This, this, this.
It is very easy to tell someone they should get out of an abusive relationship. It is very easy to tell them they shouldn’t put up with it, etc, etc. It’s also very easy to overlook all of the mind games that go on within an abusive relationship and blame the victim for not leaving (or returning, as the case may be).
Abuse isn’t just physical. It’s also mental and emotional. If it were just physical, I’m certain it’d be miles easier to pack one’s bags and never look back.
guest
There’s no question Chris Brown was wrong in his actions.
But that doesn’t mean we SHOULDN’T be open about the fact that Rihanna is providing a poor example as well.
guest
I don’t blame her for what happened, but I do blame her for how she handled it.
She could’ve been an advocate for domestic abuse victims and heightened awareness on the issue; instead she came out with “Love the Way You Lie”, which pretty much glamorizes abuse in its entirety. Perhaps it is how she deals with the incident, but I feel that it’s not an image that needs to be flaunted to the public.
guest
wow I can’t believe how full some people are of themselves. You aren’t in her situation so YOU KNOW NOTHING.
to the op, great post, and even if this sounds cheesy I think you are pretty brave for putting yourself and your struggles with wha happened out there. I know how it can hurt when people still find a way of telling you were “wrong” or something. That’s the last thing someone needs to hear.