Lovelyish

I seriously have the worst luck with girls named Sarah or Sara trying to hang out with my boyfriend, and I’m not even joking. Sarah texts him incessantly about football, even though he never responds, and Sara tried to get him to take her out to dinner when he was away at school (thankfully my boyfriend is loyal and honest and turned her down, but still, it’s annoying). 

I’ll preface my response with this: I think there’s a difference between being “the jealous type” and feeling uncomfortable when another girl oversteps what you think is some form of boundary, so don’t feel bad.

From my experiences, talking to him about it and being completely honest is the best thing you can do. It takes a lot of courage to tell him how you feel, especially if it’s like me and I have to say, “Yo I dislike this girl always texting you/trying to take you out to dinner. Please tell her to stop,” but you’ll feel better once you get it off your chest. If he really cares, he’ll listen and take what you said into consideration and not make you feel like you’re completely crazy for feeling the way you feel. Nothing good is going to come of just bottling it up and not telling someone (whether it’s him or a friend).

You mean your boyfriend might have had a life before you?  With people you don’t know?  How does that happen?  OH! GOD!  What if my husband had a life before me?  I mean had a life and friends before my husband and I have inside jokes and stuff that he wouldn’t get if he were out with my friends…but my husband?  IMPOSSIBLE.

The Lovelyish reader is being completely silly.  Maybe he does not drink anymore.  The people who knew me in my 20s got to see a completely different side of me.  The people who meet me in graduate school wouldn’t believe the things I did in the past.  I hope it wouldn’t upset them enough to have to talk to me about it.  She seemed nice, not like she was trying to get with your boyfriend,  and they weren’t reminiscing about being methheads together so let it go.

As a recently married girl with a lot of male friends, most of whom my husband takes offense with, I can honestly say, it probably means nothing. My male friends are friends for a reason and my husband is my significant other for a reason. If he wanted to date his female friend, he would have by now. There’s no threat there. Try to use her as a resource to the person your boyfriend was before he became your boyfriend. For instance, ask about these drunken nights! Apparently one of them soured him on drinking forever. 

Just talk to him about it, straight up. It doesn’t sound too bad, really.

I have a similar predicament. But it’s a little worse. My boyfriend of 3+ years received some flirty, sexy texts from a female friend of his over a year ago. It’s cool that they’re friends, but she knows he’s got a girlfriend. I thought she was cool, but she sent my boyfriend messages filled with winking smileys and implying that she was removing her clothes and taking off her bra. I have lots of male friends and I would never send them messages like that. We talk about work, movies, music, etc. They’re my friends for a reason. And now they’re talking once more, she’s newly single, and I dunno if I want to chill with her again. Every time we hang out with her, she gets drunk and gets kinda touchy feel-y with him. One time she surprised me with a kiss on the lips, conveniently right in front of my boyfriend. Like it was for him. -_-

I agree with the statement made in the first comment: “I think there’s a difference between being “the jealous type” and feeling uncomfortable when another girl oversteps what you think is some form of boundary, so don’t feel bad.” Or, at least, it kind of reassures me I’m not being one of those awful, constantly jealous girls.

my boyfriend has lots of chick friends. i think it’s fair since i have tons of guy friends. he always tells me when he’s going to hang out with any of them and what they’re doing. i wouldn’t worry about it unless he’s like trying to hide hanging out with her from you. 

Well before I started dating my current boyfriend, he had many close friends that were girls. They sounded really cool and crazy, but when I started dating him, and heard stories and saw pictures, I couldn’t help but feel intimidated and jealous. When I first met them, (not all at once, many of these friends were from different groups), I felt a little left out because it seemed like they knew my boyfriend more than I did. I definitely talked about it with him, and he understood my feelings, and we made time to hang out with these friends in a more relaxed environment where I could really get to know his friends, and them me. It turns out that these girls are really awesome, and definitely no threats! 

Like this girl’s boyfriend’s drinking stories, I can sort of relate: Some of these girl friends I talked about above are so close with my BF because they worked at a summer camp together where they used to get into CRAZY shananigans. I have heard stories of some totally disgusting things happening to all of them (usually because of alcohol) and I am so glad I wasn’t dating my boyfriend when he was young and stupid because of these stories!

OP, You can mention it made you feel left out simply because it’s good to be open and honest about feelings with a SO. But you need to realize, as the answer mentioned, whether male or female, you are going to feel out of the loop when a friend is there. It really can’t be helped. You didn’t say he was being flirty or anything. Tell him how you feel but don’t make him feel bad for being good friends with someone, regardless of gender.

My only concern, which was mentioned, was the drinking thing. If you expressed that you didn’t want to be with someone who got drunk or expressed similar views for yourself, he might be lying. I learned the hard way that a guy will lie about or downplay something they know the person they want to be with disagrees with. I think you need to full on confront him about that, especially if you legitimately take issue with being with someone who gets drunk. And if it was never mentioned by you, figure out what his deal is and why he is lying to you or her.

Your advice is pretty sound. I’d suggest the same thing. And keep in mind that when, if, you talk to him about anything like this, always keep your tone reasonable. Don’t start getting heated. If you ever reach a point where you feel like you won’t be able to control yourself any longer, simply let him know in as polite a manner as possible, and withdrawal from the subject or him for a while & put your mind on lighter issues. When you can approach the subject again, do so. Yelling & screaming has never helped anyone get their point across, in truth. Think about it. It usually simply gets defenses up and shuts the other person down. So, be mindful, not accusatory.

I wish you the best, girl. I’ve been here before. *hugs*

I like this advice. I especially like the idea of comparing the friendship to one with a guy & making sure they match up. I’m the type of girl who is friends with guys a lot. For some reason we fit a certain mold that makes most women dislike us. I have never stolen a boyfriend & it’s against my “moral obligations”, so to speak, & some girls just fit this mold that for one reason or another makes for a better friendship with guys or other girls like us.

But you definitely need some rule of thumb to be able to tell if the girl is being a little too friendly. So yes, compare it to a male/male friendship before getting uncomfortable.