I am lucky enough to consider myself an only child. Some people might find that as a bad or lonely thing, but I personally enjoy not having siblings. Then again, this is the only life I’ve ever known so who’s to say I wouldn’t enjoy it. I may only be a psychology minor, but throughout the years I have seemed to notice that only children seem to cope better being on their own than do individuals who come from families with multiple children.
I’ve tried to look up concrete statistics but seem to come up short on anything legitimate. I base my opinions strictly on what I have encountered. I haven’t had the pleasure of growing up with siblings, so in turn, I have learned to rely on myself a lot. At a young age, I feel this made it difficult for me to make friends. I went to preschool and was exposed to children, but I do think it can be difficult at such a young age learning that while you have nobody your age at home, you need to adapt to other children outside of that box.
While the friend issue has gotten easier, I also feel that only children are much closer to their parents. I don’t have a relationship where I share every detail of my life with my parents, but I consider us close. This has made it harder for me being away at school (okay, I know I’m not very far away but still) because I come from such a strong family unit where I was the sole receiver of all the attention.
Despite these downfalls, I feel that while I had most of my parents attention, I also learned to do things for myself more often. Yes, I always felt comfortable asking my parents for help, but I didn’t have an older sibling to show me the way. I navigated school on my own, hardly ever asking for help. Even now at college I hate asking my parents for money and try hard to fend for myself.
I cherish my alone time because I am frankly used to it. I can take a walk from my dorm to campus (which is about 15-20 minutes) and have no issues about it, while some of my friends can’t stand doing anything on their own. I have other friends who are only children, and while they may not all be as independent as each other, this trend seems to point to a positive correlation between lack of siblings and independence level (in my own experience).
Maybe too much independence can be a bad thing, but I see it as an important quality. I’m sure there are tons of benefits of having siblings, benefits to which I will never know. For now, I’m happy in my solitude, surrounded by all my friends and family whenever I wish to see them.
Lovelies, do you feel only children are generally more independent than people with siblings? What other differences do you see between these two groups?
daisy / 625 posts
It’s really interesting to hear your perspective on being an only child. My husband is also an only child and very close to his parents. Your thoughts on independence and spending time alone is very similar to my husband’s views and experiences growing up.
While I love my brothers deeply and had a great time growing up in a noisy, boisterous home, I also can see how amazing it must have been to have spent time in a quiet, peaceful environment without sibling fighting.
I really appreciate my husband’s relationship with his parents (I’m learning from example
) and also his independence (I need my space too!).
guest
I really think it depends. I know a lot of only children who were really mollycoddled and never learnt any independence because their parents did everything for them. Similarly, I know a lot of people with siblings who were forced into independence early on because their parents had less money to spend on them – and therefore they needed jobs to get by in high school and college, whereas the only children didn’t necessarily NEED a job because their parents had more money. I say all this as an only child who was definitely spoilt by her parents!
guest
I’m not an only child so I do not know what it really is like to be an only child considering my brother came along when I was only 14 months old. As long as I could remember I’ve had siblings. However, my husband is an only child. I do feel that he may be more independent when compared to myself or other friends we have who have siblings. I do not think that all only children have a great relationship with their parent(s). My husband is often in disagreement with his mother, but he doesn’t much trouble being social, he loves chatting up people and making friends.
I have a friend who is an only child, and she has been at odds with her mother, as well. She’s very introverted, prefers to spend time alone often. She wants to be able to stand on her own two feet, but doesn’t really know how to go about it.
guest
Go get the book “The Birth Order Book. Why You Are the Way You Are” by Dr Kevin Leman (get the revised and updated one).. Its been the most enlightening book i have read on the subject of birth order.
And as for only children being more independent.. I am not an only child (I am the only girl, and a first born) and I am very independent and really close with my parents.. Parents play a huge role.
guest
It depends on the child and the parents. My son will be independent if he ends up being an only child or if he does end up having a sibling. If parents coddle, protect, and don’t allow a child to make decisions or experience life they may have dependency problems whether they are an only child or they had several siblings. Some people are naturally independent. My son is naturally independent (almost to a fault).
rose / 937 posts
Shouldn’t it be “only-children”? Otherwise it reads to me (even though I know the actual topic) as “only kids are blah blah,” like “only snails are blue” or something to that effect.
guest
Can’t say. It depends on so many factors. But yeah, it can have advanatges.
Even though I think in my case it lead to being used to being alone so much that I’m somewhat anti-social. I hate when people ‘invade my space’, and my friends complain that I’m not outgoing.
guest
Would you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert? I feel like that is more of what you are speaking to, rather than being an only child. I feel much the same way you do, but I have a sister (8 years older than me) and her son (10 years younger than me) who were both in my house until I graduated from high school. I know several only children who can’t seem to cut the ties with their parents enough to be independent.
guest
I have an older half brother, but he is 10 years older. He was never around much. We fought a lot when I was very young, but when he turned 16 he was never home really. So I didn’t ever have the sibling experience. I am my father’s only child so we are very close. I was really lonely growing up and although I had friends next door, I had a ton of alone time and a few imaginary friends. What I’ve taken from that is a love of me-time.
orchid / 119 posts
I’m not really an only child, but I don’t really have siblings either. When I was 9 my mom started dating a man (they’re still together) with two kids, so I sort of have step siblings but my sister I only would spend a few weeks here and there with and it was more like just hanging out with my friends, and my brother is a lot older and we didn’t pay much attention to each other even though he lived with us for a few months. When I was 13 my dad had a child, too, but he and the mother split up after she had the baby and I don’t see him much. His grandparents blame all the mothers misfortunes on my father, she never answers the phone or returns the phonecalls, and we only see him on his birthday and Christmas and if she has no one to babysit.
So I consider myself an only child because I’ve spent most of my life alone, and I absolutely feel the same way as you do.
I never really thought much of it until I went on vacation with a lot of my extended family when I was 18. We went to Florida for 10 days and were renting a five bedroom house for the 9 of us, and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know what to do with myself. There were three children under the age of 12, my cousin who is the same age that I shared a room with, and the four adults. There wasn’t a minute I got alone unless I was in the bathroom. Every room I went to had a person in it, kids were screaming and I didn’t know how to even interact with them.
Still to this day I’m 21 and I don’t know how to interact with people who are younger than 14, and even then I’m the awkward “so you have a girlfriend? how’s school” family member/friend. I’m also super weird and have never been good at making friends. On the plus side, however, I’ve been very good at keeping my own company and like my alone time. I’ve always done a lot of things inidependently and take care of myself.
I have a real hard time understanding other peoples sibling relationships, because I never had any real good ones. I don’t understand how you can be so mean to someone for so long but then completely change. I mean, I know it’s a sibling thing and you can never really hate them – but it blows my mind.
peony / 1 posts
This is such a great article! I’m an only child and completely agree with all the points you made…I definitely have a strong relationship with both my parents and cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to have their attention split amongst other siblings. When I was little, I ALWAYS wanted a sibling (specifically a sister, but would have gladly settled for a brother) but after a few Christmas holidays, I gave up on that request. It wasn’t until I became an early adult (I’m now 27) that I see the beauty of being an only child and I do find myself incredibly independent…and personally, I thrive on it.
I tell people that if and when I decide to have children, I’d be very happy with having one child because of my personal experience. I’m currently dating an only child and although this may seem like a bad match, I find that we relate to each other so well because of it.
Would you also agree that only children are especially motivated? There are actually plenty of studies on this to be very valid. I think when you are the only child, there are instinctual expectations on yourself to be the best child you can be, even though you have no one to be compared to. I am reading this blog for the first time but quickly glanced at your “About Me” and see you are a bit of an overachiever as you stated which is definitely an only child trait! (FYI, in college, I graduated with a Psychology degree [yay psych! :p] with a Sociology minor and Concentration in Leadership Studies. Now I am a makeup artist, but that’s besides the point!)
Melihttp://stylebymeliblog.com@stylebymeli (I just followed ya)!
guest
You have your opinion because that is all you know. I know some people who came from very large families and were incredibly independent, yet, all functioning together as a piece of the family pie. It’s great to be an only child if that’s what your parents wanted. It’s also great to see children growing up in litters, always having someone to play with, or fight with, or learn from. I grew up in a large catholic neighborhood, my dad called it Vatican City. I played with all those kids and was immensely envious of the relationships and bonds they formed over the years, and now, as adults, they’ve got each other’s backs. If someone is on hard times, there’s always someone there to help out. Yeah, if I had my childhood to do over again, I’d pick the litter. I also know of three families I grew up with who turned out doctors. So intelligence isn’t necessarily just for one child. Mom can read stories to more than one, and still have one on one time. I saw it done, therefore, I had two myself, and now, in their 30′s, they are extremely close friends. I don’t think I have to worry about either one if something would happen to me.
sunflower / 282 posts
I’m an only child also and I feel pretty much the same way as you, especially about the cherishing alone time.
tulip / 18 posts
I think it depends on parentage and environment. I’m an only child who yes, is very independent but no, is not close to either parent. I’m independent because there aren’t a ton of kids who grew up near me, and I learned to be. If I had neighbors whose houses I basically lived at as a child, things could be different.
Let’s do a survey and get some empirical data going on this!
guest
@kaaaaylee - I like the direction you’re taking! The only issue is… how do you get this information objectively? I’m sure most people would like to think they’re independent and not a child dependent on their parents…
I’m the eldest (of 2) and I feel pretty independent. I’m only living at home at my parents’ request to not move out until I get married BUT we’ve purchased a house together for which we are both already paying the mortgage. (he’s already moved in). I’d also say I’m much closer to my parents than the majority of other people I know (maybe even 99% of other people) so I’m not sure being an only child fosters independence and closeness but rather parenting styles interacting with the child’s personality.
*I*
think my younger brother hasn’t achieved the same amount of independence as I had at his age (20) but my parents think he’s doing great for his age (which he is, in comparison to his friends, but maybe not to me lol).
tulip / 18 posts
@mrs_mkz@xanga - you’d ask a lot of indirect questions and make them on a scale.
how much do you enjoy living at home, not at all, not a lot, a little, a lot
how much did you play by yourself as a child, etc
also maybe you’re more independent because you were an only child (until your sib was born)..
guest
That’s something that depends but I’m not an only child and I’m extremely independent in many ways and my sister is one of the most dependent people I’ve ever met.
guest
I come from a rather large family and I truly enjoy every moment of my time alone. I’m not super close to any of my siblings but we always have each others’ backs.
guest
I don’t need to be offended by someone stating my opinion is all I know. That’s a bit lame, and this year I’ll be turning 60. Doesn’t make me smarter, but I have been around long enough to see both sides of many coins. My brother and his wife adopted a baby girl, 24 years ago, and raised her as an only child. The fact that she thrived so well, managed to get a full ride scholarship, speaks well for their parenting, and my father and I always knew she’d be an only child, and felt that in their situation, it was a perfect fit. Her bio mother came to her wedding, and my niece gave a little speech to the group lauding her for allowing her to grow up with wonderful parents. The bio mother was also invited all along the way, to parties, graduations, recitals, you name it. There’s nothing wrong with having one child. I was just making observations I’d seen from others. One might be perfect for you, while another couple decides on having a few. It doesn’t make those kids have a lower I.Q, unless their parents aren’t really terribly sharp. I simply look back on my childhood, the distance between my brother and me, and used to wish I’d had someone to play with. When I was 5 months old, my mother became pregnant, and suffering a severe clinical depression, couldn’t see her way out of it. So she did some things that caused an abortion. She always said looking back, that would have been wonderful for me, to have a sibling that close. But I always said she did the best she could at the time, and anyway, she suffered from depression on and off for the rest of her life, which ended at 52.
sunflower / 310 posts
I’m an only child, and I definitely agree. I enjoy my alone time and generally consider myself to be more independently minded that others that I know that aren’t only children. I like to form my own opinions and I don’t generally listen to other people when they say something like “oh, *insert name here* is a jerk, don’t bother with him/her.” I definitely think that I tend to be more outgoing and opinionated or sure of myself in general. As for others I know, it varies! I have a friend who has multiple siblings who definitely doesn’t like doing things alone, a friend who is an only child who is very independent, and friends that are in-between!
I think that the reason you didn’t come up with any concrete evidence for this is because of the number of other factors involved in how you develop. The independence factor for me could also be contributed to the fact that my mother has been disabled since I was 13, so I’ve learned how to be comfortable being alone and taking care of myself and others a little more than the average only child. The same kind of thing applies if you have parents who work constantly, or the opposite if you have parents who dote on you constantly. It depends!