When I was a kid, I was socially awkward and just plain weird. It caused me to not have friends for a long time. Finally, when I was 12 years old I met a girl who was willing to be my friend. Let’s call her Stacy.
Ever from the very beginning of our friendship, it was not healthy — although it took me years to realize it.
The entire group of friends constantly picked on, belittled and was physically aggressive with each other. Everything from slapping, giving each other “dead arms“, clawing, etc. At the time I, due to lack of previous experience, thought it was normal for friends to joke around with each other.
I stuck by them though. Why? Because having them for friends was better than having nobody at all. And some days were good. On Fridays, Stacy and I went to the mall after school and just ran around like crazy kids.
As high school went on, I started to realize that other people didn’t treat their friends this way. And I think the rest of the group did too because all of a sudden it wasn’t funny when Stacy slapped me across the face for no reason and she turned her physical assaults into being rude, obnoxious and typically crazy. I always felt terrible about myself and was afraid of her. But what was I going to do? I was on the bottom of the group totem pole and she was at the top, ruling over me. Everyone listened to her and nobody would stay friends with me. I’d be all alone again, which is not what you want in high school.
We started to grow apart over the years. After graduation we didn’t have time to spend with each other and every time we did hang out, it caused me to realize that I had grown up and she had remained stuck an immature, irresponsible teenager. The only thing we had in common was our friends and going out on the weekends.
We’re both 21 now and I’ve finally decided after years of debating I really want to cut her out of my life… but how can I? Her twin sister is one of my best friends and just had a new baby that I absolutely adore, all my other friends still hang out with her, and any time I want to go out she’s going to be there (small town, only one club to go to).
She went across Canada for eight months, and came back even worse than ever before. Her twin sister had the baby while she was away and even though her parents bought her a ticket home she refused to come home until months afterwards. She’s still extremely needy, immature and irresponsible. She shaved half her head, refused to get a job or take care of herself, and is a completely different, hypocritical version of herself. We haven’t really spoken since she got home, but I knew that I would have to deal with her and accepted that.
However, in turn she’s gone in a different direction, telling everyone a bunch of exaggerated stories about how terrible I am and deleting me off Facebook. It seems silly, but I feel like it’s the end all be all. What’s even worst is when I checked in to see why I wasn’t seeing anything from her on my feed the page reads You and Stacy are not friends.
Obviously she’s not willing to be a civil person over whatever I did. I’ve avoided the past three get-togethers with my friends because I don’t know how to face her. We live in a very small town and she works at the closest grocery store to me. We’re going to run into each other.
No part of me wants to fix the friendship. We’re two completely different people, and she is a mean, rude, toxic friend. However, it’s difficult to just try and forget everything from my past… so what do I do to cope with the end of a long term friendship? What do I do with having to face her? Do I just go on avoiding any party she might be at?
Help me!
guest
You can start by reminding yourself that most relationships have an expiration date…for one reason or another. This one is beyond growing mold…I think it has teeth. So move on…and try not feel the need to regret. Facebook enables more drama than soap operas…time to regroup!
guest
My suggestion is find some friends who are not toxic, who treat you like a human being, and make you forget about her. As for running into her, when you have some friends who have your back, that won’t matter so much anymore. Although, if I were you, I would get out of that town and go find a place that makes you feel comfortable and a place where you can find some real quality people to hang out with. It just sounds like you need a serious change of pace after all her years of craziness.
guest
I agree with the others, move on and surround yourself with a positive environment, including new supportive friends. You deserve much better than a toxic friend. Try not to feel regret because nothing good will come out of forgiving her and letting her back into your life. I’ve been in your shoes once before, albeit less extreme, but the feelings of loss and betrayal were still there. It won’t be easy and it’s definitely not a quick fix, but I promise you, when you find happiness and awesome friends, it’ll be well worth the effort to not look back on this. After all, the biggest lesson you could ever learn is to make the best of a bad situation and find ways to prevent it from occurring again in the future. If you ever face her again, try to be cordial. Be classy by behaving civilly, because that chapter of your life is over. If you both happen to be at the same party, say hello should your eyes meet, but keep busy by helping the host/hostess and mingling with the other guests.
cherry blossom / 38 posts
You know you’re going to have to see her eventually. You are still close friends with her sister and your other friends… just get it over with. She is going to be a mean rude evil bitch but you don’t have to get on her level. It’s worse while you’re anticipating it and once that first run in is out of the way you’ll feel much better.
sunflower / 327 posts
Such a long article, I’ll read it later.
If I were you, I will just pretend it didn’t happen. DO NOT AVOID HER. Be the stronger one.
peony / 1 posts
“How did you stay married for 65 years?” “I grew up in a time where if something was broken, you fixed it, instead of throwing it away.”
^^^ my favorite quote ever. kinda my mantra. It gives me such inspiration to try as hard as I possibly can, do everything, everything I am able to do, before I give up.
I have/ had a friend just like “Stacy”. SHe was great and funny and awesome when we were alone, but everytime we were around someone else, she was awful to me; like she had to show that person that she dominated me. She called me f*cking retarded and a f*cking bitch on a daily basis, she hit me constantly (i would have several bruises on my body at one time just from her hitting me), and every time I did something she didnt like, she would shut me out, and act like I wasn’t there. The thing is, I didn’t want to lose her; though one half of her was the meanest person I knew, the other half was my best friend, the person I spent every single weekend with, the girl I had 9,000,000 inside jokes with. I didn’t want to do something and have us never talk again.
So finally one day, she stopped talking to me and started telling everyone I was a bitch because I wouldn’t move in class so she could sit by her crush (if our teacher caught us move, we would get a detention). So I snapped on her. Every single bit of anger I had ever felt against her came out in one moment. I yelled at her, saying that she treated me like a punching bag, hitting me and calling me names if anything wrong ever happened to her. That if I did half the stuff to her that she did to me, she would have left already. I said she was the most immature person I knew- if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted, she wouldn’t take it, and instead make me feel awful. Of course, she stopped talking to me, and later I apologized for screaming at her, but I said I meant the things I was saying. She justified her behavior by saying she needed a stress release to get all her depressing and anger out, and if she didn’t beat me up she would get sad. I felt bad for her, but I didn’t cave in like every other time. I held my ground and she apologized; I’d never heard her apologize to anyone before, ever.
She’s still mean to me, from time to time, but nothing like it used to be. Her temper is crazy, but I can’t fix that. She actually treats me like a friend, like a sister, and I’m happy she’s in my life.
If there is anything you will miss about “Stacy” tell her. Stand up for yourself, make sure she knows that she’s destructive. It could fix your problem with her.