Lovelyish

Society R Us. There is no cabal in charge of us.

Society’s standards for female beauty are typically geared towards (1) making yourself look prettier than your competition and (2) making yourself look attractive to men. 

Marriage is still viewed around the world as a good, if not primary, means of securing protection and provision for women in order to facilitate childbearing. Thus, the two aforementioned goals are critical in securing marriage. 

If you want to convince society to drop the standards of beauty, then you will have to convince women that marriage and childbearing are not the best ways of achieving happiness in life. In other words, you’d have to convince women to fight against their biological instincts. 

Good luck with that. 

Thank you for this post.  I love that you emphasized inner beauty is far more important than what the surface looks like.  I also liked that you encourage Lovelyish readers to embrace their individuality.  Nothing wrong with looking your best, but one can be beautiful without having to change everything about your appearance so it conforms to society’s image of beauty.  Growing I didn’t fuss much with my hair and makeup and thankfully for the most part neither of them was out of control.  (But mostly for the part that my mom didn’t encourage using heat/chemicals on the hair or wear makeup.)  I’d have to agree that makeup sometimes does more to damage than enhance.  For a while I was kind of obsessed with the hair and makeup situation but now you’ll most often see me sporting only moisturizer/SPF and air-dried hair.  I do still “fix my hair” and wear makeup sometimes, like when I am going out, or an important event like job interviews, weddings, etc.  I am not sure if makeup (particularly foundation) actually damages skin, but it does make me get used to the idea of having perfectly flawless skin and I start freaking out over one little blemish on the skin, or the fact that a flat iron gets their hair perfectly straight and smooth when even naturally straight hair will have a slight curve at the ends.  The only thing that I regret truly in terms of beautifying myself is overplucking my eyebrows at a young age.  They are kind of thin, and hair won’t grow back in certain areas.

@QuantumStorm@xanga - Not all women see other women as competition, and tbh I’ve never actually seen this in real life. I also don’t believe in the idea that women should look pretty solely for men — because looks fade, people have different tastes, and as said above — if all he wants is your beauty, he’s a total dick, isn’t he? Turning the idea of traditional beauty as desirable back onto women just gives men an excuse to expect ridiculous standards from women. You’re painting this picture of women as barbarians fighting for a mate. I believe we’re smarter than that.

As women we’re trained pretty much from birth to believe that if we’re not pretty, we’re worthless, and that we’re not pretty unless we’re wearing makeup, weigh the appropriate amount, have the right hair, etc. We we’re taught to depend on caking our faces in makeup rather than do something more productive to get around in life. The asinine focus on traditional beauty turns the attention away from things that have more value — like her brains, or (god forbid) her personality.

We’re not mannequins set up around the world for the sole purpose of being looked at. We need to teach our daughters that. You know what’s sad? Eight year old girls start to think they’re too fat. Eight fucking years old. Do you really think that’s biology? 

Great post

@thepsychoticraccoon@xanga - Of course, not all women see other women that way. That sorta goes without saying.

“You’re painting this picture of women as barbarians fighting for a mate. I believe we’re smarter than that.”

Women are effectively as barbarous as men when it comes to mating competition. Just as they fight for men, men fight for the best-looking women. Remember, our cognitive emergence is recent in terms of evolution, so biology is still a strong motivator. 

“Turning the idea of traditional beauty as desirable back onto women just gives men an excuse to expect ridiculous standards from women.”

Are you implying that women have no responsibility in perpetrating the beauty standards? Because that would be a ridiculous claim. 

“We we’re taught to depend on caking our faces in makeup rather than do something more productive to get around in life. The asinine focus on traditional beauty turns the attention away from things that have more value — like her brains, or (god forbid) her personality.”

It plays directly into her biological instincts. It’s more desirable – and less risky – for a woman to pursue marriage than a full-time sole-breadwinning career, from a biological standpoint, if it means her desires for protection and provision are fulfilled. 

“We’re not mannequins set up around the world for the sole purpose of being looked at. We need to teach our daughters that. ”

But you don’t. Why? Because if many women had to choose between working 40-60 hours a week to support themselves, versus shacking up with a primary breadwinner, most will go for the latter. You want to emphasize inner beauty as the new standard for attractiveness? Go for it. But guess what? You’re still defining it as a measure for attractiveness, which still plays a role in securing marriage… which still satisfies those biological desires for protection and provision. (And then, it becomes a classic case of belling the cat; which amongst the women will be the first to “bell the cat”? – yay Aesop’s fables)

If you want to stop the posturing and fakery, you have to convince women that marriage/childrearing is NOT the primary goal in life. 

This sounds like the classic fat person’s defense  I’m not saying fat people can’t be beautiful but it’s just that the majority of people, for now at least, will find certain things attractive and other things unattractive. There’s nothing to do about. Whimpering about it only makes one seem pathetic.

the world is full of haters no matter what size you are people will remark at any size.

Great post! 

I like my straightened hair and I love makeup. Nothing wrong with wanting to look how you want to look and having fun with your appearance.

Really how many women put in french braids for men and alter our “natural” hair. What if I don’t WANT to embrace my natural hair and change things up? Why is it your business? Why is natural inherently better than altered?

Caking on makeup isn’t a sign of being beautiful, it’s a sign of being insecure.

How many of us do makeovers on our girlfriends for men or so people will think we’re prettier? How about playing with makeup when you’re alone because it’s artistic. What about drag queens who aren’t “socially acceptable” but they love makeup anyway?

Instead of trying to stop it as a whole I just don’t listen to societies standards of beauty. I rarely ever wear makeup anymore, I don’t give a shit about my nails, I never tan etc. I just make sure I look healthy. But in the end that is for me. I don’t care about looking pretty either but I still manage to look totally presentable everyday. Even if my friends have insecurities about how they look Ill only give them advice if they want it. It’s not my business if others let society get to them. 

@KyrieElise@xanga - This post wasn’t geared toward being ‘fat’, it was geared toward feeling beautiful & not allowing society to dictate the beauty we feel. Originally, it was called ‘the price of beauty’ – about the many mistakes I have done when it comes to makeup, hair, etc. :/ I wasn’t expecting it to get published, hehe. But thanks for your comment & viewpoint!

@ShimmerBodyCream@xanga - This post wasn’t geared toward making women feel makeup & unnatural hair is a bad thing. In all honesty, I was trying to recap my beauty mistakes + how I’ve messed up my hair/skin due to trying to be something I was not. To each their own. This is just my opinion – nothing more, nothing less. As for makeup, the most destructive part of it for my skin was foundation. It could be a matter of not taking care of my skin well/different skin type/being super stressed bc of school. It hella damaged my skin, but now that I haven’t been wearing it everyday for the past month my hair has changed dramatically. It’s different for everyone, so this post is by no means intended to degrade women who wear makeup/do their hair everyday. I don’t think I will ever fully quit doing my hair/makeup – its more about accepting yourself & feeling beautiful w or w/o makeup/natural hair. Thanks for your comment, though. Appreciated seeing it from another viewpoint.

One cannot deny that cultural aspects of our daily lives affect
what is and is not “attractive” to our society. I think the main goal of
this whole post is that women put too much emphasis on being “pretty”
by the standards set by society instead of trying to feel beautiful by
their own standards. That’s at least what I have chosen to take away
from it.

America is a special place in particular, our standard of beauty is
absolutely unattainable for the average woman. Men, even more recently,
have developed image issue due to societies expectations.

As for my own insecurities, they haunt me every day.

@QuantumStorm@xanga -  I’m not really sure that marriage is a biological “instinct.” I think it’s really more of a social expectation that has been mistaken for natural urge. Child bearing is a natural, biological drive… but marriage? I think that’s a bit of a stretch.

I’m in recovery for an eating disorder right now and I wish I felt like this again.

@Saridactyl@xanga - Not so much marriage specifically, but the biological desire for protection and provision, which is what marriage provides rather well. 

@QuantumStorm@xanga - I think you misunderstand the modern woman’s needs and desires.  I don’t know of any woman who got married just so she didn’t have to work. And every stay-at-home mother (or father) that I know all worked before they had children, some even worked until they have a second/third child.  A lot of women I know are the bread winners of their families.  They work because they love it!  They got married because they love their husbands. 

With women working more now than ever, men are now able to marry for financial reasons all the same.  I’ve seen that happen too.  I think it’s sad you really believe women get married just so they don’t have to work.  I’d rather work 60 hours a week, then be married at this point in my life!  Then I could afford a pool and a pool boy.

@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - “A lot of women I know are the bread winners of their families.  They work because they love it!  They got married because they love their husbands. “

The majority of family breadwinners are still men. And there is a difference between working full-time for decades, and working until you get married and then quitting so you could raise a family. There are a lot of women out there who are stewing away in jobs, waiting for “Mr. Right” to come around and pick them up. There are also a lot of women who pursue advanced degrees not because they want to make a career out of it, but because it gives them the opportunity to husband-hunt. I witnessed that frequently at the engineering school I attended. 

“I think it’s sad you really believe women get married just so they don’t have to work.”
While there are plenty of individual cases where women may choose to buck the trend, those exceptions merely prove the rule. The reality is that if it’s easier to secure provisions and protection by marrying a man than it is by working by yourself and establishing a career, many women will go for marriage – and they still do. We’re still strongly influenced by biology, and marriage is a very effective way of satisfying a woman’s biological desires. That’s why the fashion industry has such sway in our modern society. If it’s easier to put on makeup, learn how to flirt, and wear flashy dresses than it is to study hard in school, establish a career, etc., then it’s not too surprising that many women opt for the former. 

Women are gradually establishing careers in higher frequencies, but I’d wager that it has more to do with the fact that many women frequently place equal or higher standards on their prospective mates when it comes to earning power (after all, if she wants to maintain the same or better standard of living while she’s pregnant or recovering from childbirth, she would want a husband with similar earning power). Thus, if more women are in the workforce than men, it means there are fewer men who can meet those standards – which means women don’t really have much of a choice but to push for their own careers anyways. 

And you can have a pool boy if I get a french maid. ^_^

I hate wearing make up, but do so for some occasions.  Can’t stand celebrities who have their lips fattened.  What’s all that about?  When I was younger, 20 years or so, I had permanent eye brows done, since mine don’t grow past an inch or so.  It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, because as you age, your skin lines move.  Not only do I dislike my eyebrows, they don’t match, so I still have to use a pencil on them to just make them look semi normal.  The woman who did them had a wall full of certificates, and was licensed, so I assumed I was in good hands.  She assured me she was doing just what I asked for.  You really don’t know for a few days, as there is swelling and bleeding.  What she did was draw a pencil thin line down my brow line for my eyebrow, in a dark brown color, after we’d agreed on light brown.  When I called her she assured me it was light brown, and that she was not responsible for how my body was reacting to it.  I was straw berry blonde, blue eyed, pasty skin, with dark brown brows.  Stupidest thing I’ve ever done.  Do NOT do anything you cannot undo unless you have tons of money for laser and pain meds.  As far as women staying home to raise families, it’s horribly painful to leave a 6 week old at a daycare center.  I worked with women who did it, and cried all the way to work, then pumped their breasts at break.  If mother nature meant for men to breast feed, she’d have given them milk.  I just think it’s nice if one parent can stay home for a few years.

@QuantumStorm@xanga - Okay, that makes more sense. Yes, a lot of women try hard to find a partner but is that really the woman’s fault? I admit, we make our own choices, but even though I have personally decided that marriage is not for me, other people constantly ask me how I’m going to take care of myself without getting married. They just can’t understand *why* I would want to put myself in a situation where if I fail, there is no person (husband, in this case) to fall back on. This irritates me more than anything, to be honest. If society expects women to get married then it’s hard to break young women of that whole mind set, even with the biological drive to seek protection. (That wasn’t really an argument, just me expanding my thought process. This topic is actually incredibly interesting, which is why I tend to ramble on.)

@Saridactyl@xanga - Well, the way I see it is like this:

One of the reasons marriage has been so successful throughout history and across cultures is because it satisfied both men’s biological desire for regular sex (and the opportunity to sire offspring) and women’s biological desire for protection, provision, and ultimately childbearing.

I think there is a general societal expectation on both men and women to get married and have children, because of this. It manifests itself differently for men than it does for women, but there is a level of expectation on both genders as a whole when it comes to marriage. The key, however, is whether certain INDIVIDUALS in each gender feel pressured or not. That is dependent upon their desires; if their desires happen to coincide with societal expectations, then they won’t feel pressured. If they are one of the exceptions, then naturally there will be some friction.

Because marriage generally promises a fulfillment of women’s biological desires, it is unlikely that women will have an issue with that in particular. Usually the pressure stems from minutiae, like putting in the effort needed to be “marriage-material”, or marrying at a certain age when others are marrying younger, etc. But by and large, I’d think that most women do want to get married or at least get into a similar relationship, and eventually have kids of their own.

I can imagine how irritating it is for people to ask you why you have no one to fall back on. There are a lot of people who, upon hearing about my decision not to marry, make many really stupid and untrue assumptions about my character or my circumstances. I think it only emphasizes how ingrained the marriage act is in our society’s psyche.

And it is an interesting topic I’ve been thinking of actually writing a post on the matter.

Thank you for conveying a beautiful message! Message received and noted <3 

@QuantumStorm@xanga - Don’t be silly and not acknowledge that women get married to have regular sex too.  In fact, for centuries and centuries the only way women could have regular sex was to get married.  Men have never had that problem, they could always have regular sex, especially if they had enough money.

@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - “In fact, for centuries and centuries the only way women could have regular sex was to get married.  Men have never had that problem, they could always have regular sex, especially if they had enough money.”

You have no idea what you’re talking about. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution#History

“Don’t be silly and not acknowledge that women get married to have regular sex too.”
Did I ever deny such a claim? 

@QuantumStorm@xanga - Prostitution wouldn’t have been a logical option for most women to choose.  Marriage would have made more sense for most women.  There is no social stigma to being married like there is to being a prostitute.  Most women only had the option of marriage to have sex.  The exception would be courtesans in some part of Europe.  They weren’t really prostitutes, but an “educated, socially acceptable (sorta kinda)” male companion. 

I didn’t say you denied it. You omitted it for women.  It is a big part of the equation as to why women choose marriage too. 

@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Again, in the past, prostitutes were generally given more respect and independence than married women were. Even in ancient Europe, such as in Greece, for instance. It’s with the rise of the religious theocracies during the middle ages where prostitution was explicitly forbidden, but tacitly allowed, and only recently with the rise of feminism where it was more explicitly frowned upon, at least in the US (with very few exceptions). And then you have to consider their status in non-European societies, like feudal Japan, etc. 

The REASON why prostitution may not have been as common as marriage is b/c while it offered protection and provision, having children would complicate things. Also, it was treated as a business, which meant you had competition, something that you wouldn’t have to worry so much about if you’re married. Furthermore, if you’re married, you could have your needs met for until well past your physical prime, whereas with prostitution, it was based on your sex appeal, which, as we all know, fades with time. 

The point is, women did have options outside of marriage for sex, and in many instances, they were better-respected and better-treated than married women. That doesn’t necessarily mean that prostitution is better or worse, but rather, it just points out that women had options (oh and it didn’t stop them from getting married, either). 

As for it being a motivating factor, of course it can be; but my contention is that the woman’s desire for protection/provision was an even bigger factor. 
I mean, after all, if prostitution were made legal in the US, it would give a lot of married women a run for their money knowing they’d have much more competition

@QuantumStorm@xanga - Not exactly.  There is a difference between being a prostitute and being a courtesan.  Of course, different areas had different levels of whichever at whatever time.  True, during the time Christianity became popular prostitution (of any type) fell out of social favor.  But with sexually transmitted diseases even when it wasn’t so bad, it wasn’t so great either. 

In societies where courtesans existed, they could have a somewhat cushy life if they had constant work and could marry a benefactor sometimes.  Prostitutes weren’t so lucky.  It’s actually rather complicated the systems, but on average most women wouldn’t have chosen either as an option in the last 500 years or so.  So, of course they got married to have sex just as much as men did. 

@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Courtesans and prostitutes were synonymous in many cultures. They are not as distinct as you’re implying; in some cases, yes, there were levels of distinction, but those levels were akin to a mom-and-pop store vs. a brand-name store. In many of the societies, prostitutes in general had more independence and mobility than married women. If you strictly consider more recent history such as in Europe during the past few centuries, you can make a stronger argument, but that’s more or less a minority in when compared to other societies from various time periods. 

In the modern day, even with condoms and medicine, there’s no strong correlation between the transmission of STI’s and promiscuity, which is somewhat counter-intuitive but hey, I’m not the one who conducts the studies *shrugs*. 
Your argument is inconsistent though – effectively you’re saying, women didn’t have a cushy life as prostitutes, therefore they married for the sex. Doesn’t fit. If you were arguing that women married for the security, that makes sense; if they wanted more sex instead of the security and provisions, then staying with prostitution would have worked better in the long run (even the wrinklies got some action!). 

@QuantumStorm@xanga - Courtesans in Europe played a much different role than simply prostitutes.  I don’t know about other areas.  Prostitutes were just for sex.  Courtesans also had to be educated and entertain the men. 

Women don’t want to be seen as objects who are purchased for the pleasure of men.  Of course, they would choose marriage over prostitution.  If they remained unmarried and not a prostitute, society used to not allow them to have sex.  Prostitution wasn’t a real option for most women, especially the last couple hundreds of years.  Women would marry to maintain their honor and have a bunch of sex. 

@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Yes, but they still had to provide sexual services, and do so outside of the marriage context. 

And being a prostitute was not a box from which a woman could not leave; prostitutes were still allowed to marry, etc. And in some cultures, such as in ancient Rome, unmarried women could partake in orgies, swinging sessions, casual encounters, etc. If there were restrictions on female sexual expression, they usually correlated with the society’s views on, and approaches to, prostitution.

And it still doesn’t address the point that women primarily married for security; even if sex was a motivating factor, it was generally not as big a factor as the desire for provision/protection. The reason marriage was generally preferred was not for the sex, but because it was a more reliable source of resources; if a woman became old and physically unattractive, her husband was still expected to support her. Whereas, if a prostitute became the same, her income reduced based on her attractiveness (it may not have been completely eliminated, depending on the clientele). But in terms of sex, if the married men were rendered impotent with age, then the women’s only “honorable” source of sex was severely impaired. With female prostitutes, they were not inhibited by such things as they had a variety of clientele. 

If sex were the bigger motivator, then women would have stuck with prostitution more than marriage. So your argument really doesn’t fly. 

@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - In a nutshell, you haven’t really demonstrated that women DIDN’T primarily consider marriage because of the protection/provision involved. No one is arguing that sex was not a big motivator, but what I’m arguing is that protection/provision was a BIGGER motivator. In the grand scheme of reproduction, if women derived pleasure from sex or didn’t, it was irrelevant because their sexual pleasure was not so much correlated with fertility and reproduction. However, there’s a much stronger correlation between men having to orgasm, and pregnancy (derp). So the fact that there were – and are – women who enjoy sex a lot is not really a big surprise; since it was largely irrelevant in terms of sexual reproduction, there’s a greater variability in women in terms of sexual pleasure and their general desire for sex (basically Mother nature said, “great if you like it, meh if you don’t”). Men, however, generally didn’t exhibit as much of a variability, for the reasons I mentioned earlier; if a guy didn’t orgasm, it was going to be difficult, to say the least, for him to sire any children. 

However, women who kept an eye out for better provisions/protection were in much better positions than women who didn’t, because without sufficient provision/protection, any child that was born would not fare well, and if that child died, then it was a major investment loss from an evolutionary standpoint. Thus, securing the proper resources for childrearing BEFORE actually bearing children was important for women, hence marriage or (insert similar social contracts here). 

@QuantumStorm@xanga - I’m talking as far as sex.  You listed basically the only reason men got married was to have sex.  That’s as much a reason for women as for men.  I don’t discount that women needed financial security in a husband since for a long time women had no option to work.  But I stand by the fact that most women would rather not be prostitutes.  They would rather be wives who could have a regular sex partner without having to sell their body, risk public/private scorn, risk unwanted pregnancy with unknown fathers, and a bunch of other reasons.  Prostitution isn’t an option most women would choose the last couple hundred years.  I think the reasons you listed are all important as to why women choose marriage but you neglected sex.  You’ve done that before, dismissed women’s sexuality. 

I think anything was up for grabs during the ancient Greek and Roman times, so who knows why anybody got married back then other than to establish blood and family lines. 

@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Sex is a primary reason that men wish to get married, because it is the way in which they carry on their genes. For women, because of the heavier investment on their part, the protection/provision is more critical than the actual pleasure of sex. If you want to accuse anyone of dismissing women’s sexuality, level your charge at evolutionary biology; the fact is, whether women enjoy sex or not, it is NOT critical to the reproductive success of the human species, because sexual pleasure for women is not directly tied to their fertility. Can it be a motivator? Absolutely. But it’s one of those cases where it’s a win-meh situation; if a woman enjoys sex, that’s a benefit, but if she doesn’t, it’s not important from a biological standpoint because her enjoyment is not required in order for pregnancy to occur. That’s just a fact, and if you can’t handle the facts, then that is more indicative of your mental ineptitude than anything else. 

You continue to willfully dismiss the historical evidence regarding prostitution, especially considering that in many societies, public scorn was NOT typically attributed to such positions. As for private scorn… well, private scorn was attributed to many people for many reasons. You also ignore that the marriage contract was effectively a means for women to sell their bodies for sex, while men sold their services of protection and provision to women. The best your arguments regarding the negatives of prostitution would hold are in recent history and in certain times in Europe; but that doesn’t speak for the whole. 

Your argument that by highlighting provision/protection, I’m dismissing sexuality is a logical fallacy; specifically, an affirmation of a disjunct. Just because I’m emphasizing protection/provision as a BIGGER factor than sexual pleasure doesn’t mean sexual pleasure was never a consideration. By that argument, I would accuse you of dismissing women’s responsibility for their children and painting women as irresponsible sex addicts. 

But by all means, continue with the distortions since that’s more effective than your ACTUAL arguments. 

good post–I haven’t worn makeup for a year. I wore light makeup before I met my husband and I stopped when he told me he didn’t like makeup. I wondered, “who am I wearing it for then?”

@QuantumStorm@xanga - ”There are a lot of people who, upon hearing
about my decision not to marry, make many really stupid and untrue
assumptions about my character or my circumstances. I think it only
emphasizes how ingrained the marriage act is in our society’s psyche”  I’d be interested to know what they assume.

My cousin never got married, she is in her mid 40s. Even my open minded family members gossip: “is she a lesbian?” (she’s not) “is she mentally stable?” “Does she have daddy issues?” “She’s a beautiful, successful woman, why wouldn’t she marry and have children?” “she’s just not right in the head”

@AncoraImparo@xanga - Yeah, usually they question my sexuality, or think it’s due to bad relationship experiences. Because I’m still somewhat young, they don’t do it too badly, or assume I’m just going through a phase, etc.

@QuantumStorm@xanga - I am an irresponsible sex addict!  lol  I’ve been married, I’m a woman and I can tell you sex was just as much a reason for me to marry as any man!  I’m perfectly capable of taking financial care of myself quite well.  At one point in my marriage I was the bread winner.  Do not discount that modern women aren’t what our grandmothers were.  In some cultures in this world, I have no doubt women marry mostly for protection since in those places women are treated like crap and aren’t allowed to have sexual feelings. 

But in America, with women who come from nonoppresive cultures (uh, like some white people) we don’t look at marriage like protection or security.  And marrying to have oodles of sex doesn’t make one a bad mother!  It doesn’t mean my children don’t come first in all that I do just because I enjoy sex.  That’s the real true facts.  I know I like sex because I’ve had it and let me tell you there’s no way anyone can convince me that the fact I don’t need to orgasm to make a baby has anything to do with what I or any woman chooses today.  There’s no way you can convince me that I don’t enjoy sex the same way men enjoy sex.  Protection/Provision had nothing to do with why I got married as I was perfectly capable of doing that for myself.  Sure, there is security in marriage, but I do believe in marriage and I sure did set out to be married for life. 

i think your message is simply embrace who you are and not what others dictate to you. i wish i could live this way, but i have been unable. in fact at 42, aging has caused me so much grief and insecuri has robbed me of many things i should be enjoying. thanks for your message