We’ve been posting a bit about toxic friends lately, and noticed from the comments that a good number of Lovelies have toxic friends too! Mansonschicks recently shared how she had broken things off with two toxic friends (congrats!). It was striking just how toxic her second friend was!
I let [my second toxic friend] end things with me. I let her rip me apart from top to bottom for being a bad friend. It felt good to be the “bad guy” in her eyes instead of actually being a horrible person about it. That one was well deserved. She nearly sabotaged my education and my sanity. She attempted to kill herself several times, failing (thankfully) each time. The final time, she told me it was completely my fault. It hurt, but that’s just how she was.
1/30/2012 6:42 PM Mansonschicks@xanga
Wow Mansonschicks, we’re sorry you had to go through that. That sounds terrible! I looked up the definition of a toxic friend, and here’s what WebMD had to say: “a toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal.” That sounds a lot like your friend!
I’ve had friends like this too, and it’s not fun. WebMD spells outnot only the definition of a toxic friend, but the signs that you’re realizing on some level that your friend is toxic:
You know you have a problem with someone when your nontoxic friends start telling you, “Every time you hang out with Sue, you’re in a bad mood.” Or the phone rings, you see it’s your toxic friend, and you conveniently go to the bathroom. But despite these warning signs, you don’t do anything about it. Why? Because you’re trapped.
“One of the characteristics of a toxic friendship is that the good friend feels she can’t extricate herself from the relationship,” says Charles Figley, PhD, professor and director of the Psychological Stress Research Program at Florida State University. “Whether it’s on the phone, in person, or from the friendship entirely, you feel like you are trapped, you’re being taken advantage of and you can’t resolve the problem one way or another.”
Whether the feeling of entrapment has to do with history — you’ve been friends with the person since a young age, like Roberts — or you feel she has no one else to turn to and you need to stand by her through thick or thin, you need to take action to help your friend, and yourself.
We were saddened to see that so many Lovelies reported that they struggle with toxic friends:
I have a friend I think I need to breakup with, and it’s so hard. I’ve known her for years. She has an anger problem and has outbursts and throws temper tantrums like a toddler. It drives me crazy that she can’t grow up and become more emotionally mature. When I do talk to her, she starts calling me all the time and getting upset when I don’t answer (because I’m at work.) I don’t care to hang out with her because she seems emotionally unstable and is also bossy about doing what she wants. Oh, and she can’t take a hint..she’s that friend that stays over forever after the party is over.
I’m afraid to break it off entirely because when I don’t talk to her for a while, she gets depressed and doesn’t take her meds, and I don’t know if she has any other close friends..
2/1/2012 1:20 PM rAzOrKisS09@xanga
I tried to “break up with” a friend for, oh, about 18 years. I’ve since given up. I never did the direct approach, but I tried the passive and the bad boyfriend approach. I ended up looking – and feeling – like the bad guy. I did manage to put some distance between us. She no longer refers to me as her best friend ever, so that’s good. I think she’s more like a sister now, especially after an 18 year friendship. Like a sister that you’re not terribly close to and annoyed by.
1/30/2012 3:36 PM HaleyHailstorm
Any advice for our fellow Lovelies in how to deal with their toxic friends? And do you have any toxic friends in your life that you’d like to get rid of?
guest
I had a toxic friend who finally went to far so I stopped talking to her 2 years ago. It was hard at first. We used to talk about everything and literally texted all day most days. I felt heartbroken, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Once I got rid of her my life got back on track and I met a wonderful guy a few months later. I still don’t have any close friends because I don’t trust girls. Hopefully I find some good friends some day.
guest
I had a toxic friend. I knew her for eight years. At first it was alright, I was excited to have made a friend in private school that wasn’t ultra rich. We moved to different schools and still kept in contact. For me the friendship died half way through the relationship. She would lie to me in the middle of a sleepover about something coming up. I would have to go home early. Then she would brag about how she got to go to all these amazing places the next day. I think the most toxic thing of all was that she seemed to imagine everything about our relationship. There were times we hung out where I’d just be sitting in a corner of her room while she played some game, she would ignore everything I said. Then she would act as if we were best friends and talked about everything all the time..
I tried to break off the friendship twice. The first time she had her mom come over and tell my parents I was being mean to her little girl. I admit I deserved that, I didn’t take the direct approach. I figured if we hardly talked she wouldn’t noticed if I started ignoring the few things she said to me. The second time worked out better. I waited until she did something big, and told her it was just too big for us to continue being friends. It also helped that I moved because she still tried to rebuild the friendship by driving to my house. It is hard to end a friendship, but you should never feel as if you are trapped. Especially if the friendship is causing emotional/physical problems. I feel it is better to explain the situation and why you are deciding to end the relationship than simply ignoring them. Of course I do understand how persistent people can be and sometimes drastic measures might need to be taken. Such as moving without informing them.
guest
I HAD a couple toxic friends, but they all decided that I wasn’t worth their time so they ended up ignoring me. It was hard at first because I wanted closure, I wanted answers. But, I never got them and my real friends helped me realize that I was better off without the toxic friends, and that I was worth so much more. It takes time to heal, but you will find real friends, ones who are there for you through thick and thin, ones who you’d do the same for. My real friends helped me realize that I’ve got lots of great qualities and talents and encouraged me to do things I liked, spending time with them, shopping, reflecting in myself, hobbies (like baking) and encouraged me to do things that made me feel good. I finally learned to love myself, and to only surround myself with people who want me to succeed and get ahead in life as much as they wanted that for themselves. When you finally love yourself, you won’t look back, and you won’t want to put yourself in a position to become hurt so deeply again.
guest
I literally just had this happen… But, it was a GUY and he broke things off because apparently I’m a bad friend.. Whatever, I’m already over it!
guest
I just “broke up” with my toxic best friend. For the past year I convinced myself that she actually cared about me, but things exploded around New Year’s. Looking back I can see that she was planning on exiling me from our group of friends. She manipulated everyone into thinking I had done awful things to her and some other girls. Then she tried to convince me that everyone hated me for stuff I hadn’t even done! It’s so convoluted and complicated, but I decided to cut my losses and just drop her and everyone else in our circle of friends that I know are under her thumb. It’s tough because I have to find new friends, but I’d rather save myself the drama and move on.