A Lovely writes:
My ex and I are still very close, but he has a new girlfriend. Should we limit our communication even though now it’s platonic?
You have to really ask yourself in a situation like this, not only if your intentions with him are strictly platonic but if his are as well. That means zero interest or possibility that residual or old familiar feelings will surface between the two of you. Not only do you have to be accountable for your own feelings, but you have to consider his and hers as well. If you think that you could interfere with him developing a perfectly healthy relationship with someone else, then you should keep your distance, if she’s uncomfortable, then you also have to be respectful of her position, whether you like it or not.
What I would recommend you do is establish where both of you stand emotionally, and if you are confident that both of you — although you’d be the minority — have completely extinguished all romantic feelings for each other, then communicate, hang out, go to a movie, fart in each others’ presence, do whatever friends do. But be sure that his current girlfriend is comfortable with all of this — if she is then she’d also be the minority — but if that is in fact the case, then try to include her in your friendship because if you really care about him, then you’ll accept and invite her into your life like the good friend that you are.
What would you do in this situation? Would you be OK with a new boyfriend still hanging with his ex?
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guest
No. If I were the new girlfriend, I’d feel extremely uncomfortable with it. Do it out of respect for their relationship.
guest
It definitely depends on how everyone reacts to the situation. I’m still good friends with a couple of my exes, and this issue has come up recently with both of them. One practically never talks to me anymore, and he’s admitted that it’s because his girlfriend isn’t comfortable with it. The other still keeps in touch on a pretty regular basis, and we usually try to get together for drinks or something when we’re in the same area. I’ve met his girlfriend, he’s met my boyfriend, and everybody’s cool with it. It’s nice.
I think respect and communication are the two big issues here. While I do miss talking to the ex who’s pretty much dropped off the face of the earth as far as I’m concerned, he seems happy enough with his girlfriend, and I’m not going to butt in and cause tension in their relationship. And I think the biggest reason why my second situation work out so well was because he and I were both upfront with our SOs about our friendship, and wanted to make sure they were included too. It’s not a situation that works for everyone, but don’t think it’s hopeless!
guest
If both parties have moved on and the ex has built a strong relationship with his new one, occasional calls to see how he is doing doesn’t seem like a problem.
hydrangea / 88 posts
I always distance myself from my guy friends in relationships out of respect, unless I meet the girlfriend and become friendly with them. But if I actually like the guy, I tend to be more talkative than usual…
guest
I would definitely not like my guy to be hanging around an ex. It’s extremely awkward to be around an ex in the first place, no matter how close of friends you can be. It seems too desperate, if you ask me.
guest
I suppose you could still be friends with a ex, but I would personally distance myself away from him.
guest
I don’t think that its ok to continue being friends with an ex when he gets into a new relationship. Being friendly and talking once in a blue moon is fine, but hanging out with him more then the girlfriend is wrong. Its hurtful to the girlfriend and disrespectful. The guy will have to choose whether he wants to pursue a relationship with the new flame or run after the old flame. Can’t have both. I would never be ok with my husband still being friends with his old flames. It has nothing to do with jealousy, its just weird and also awkward at the same time. What do I not have that she does? Its ok to stay in touch but hanging out and being buddies is just weird. This is the person you used to sleep with, I don’t want to see them hanging around you and reminding me of that fact everytime.
orchid / 119 posts
@SUPletstake___surveys@xanga - Maybe the new girlfriend should be respectful of the friendship and get over herself. Now, I don’t know if the new girlfriend is going to mind the friendship, but if she does mind and is pathetic enough that she tries to control who her boyfriend is friends with I think she really needs to take a step back and work on herself and her self confidence issues.
daisy / 505 posts
Excellent picture.
guest
Depends on the relationship. My bfs can kiss, hug, and sleep with whoever they want. I mean.. why should I mind? If he likes playing sports with his friends, it’s fine by me! Just want him to have fun!
guest
I agree. If you still have any residual feelings, or think he does, dIstance yourself from that because being “friends” is just going to become toxic to his new relationship. I also suggest if you want her to be “okay” with the friendship, you should become her friend too. Probably your best bet, since otherwise it will come off that he is hanging out with his ex, not so much his friend. And don’t get upset if he distances himself and stops talking to you.
guest
@thatkyliegirlx@xanga - The problem is it isn’t just a friendship. It’s a friendship AFTER a relationship. You never know what could be still lingering between them, and I think it is the boyfriend’s job to explain the friendship, and the friend’s job to be nice and respect the relationship. I think it is pretty stupid to think your ex’s new g/f is going to instantly be okay with you and him still being close.
tulip / 22 posts
Talk with the new girlfriend and make sure she’s comfortable. I’m very good friends with my ex and I love his new girlfriend. I did the breaking up with him so I think that helped this situation. There’s nothing lingering for me and I don’t think there is for him. Me getting to know and be friends with the new girl is making everyone feel more at ease.
guest
No, only becuase of my past experiences with it.
guest
Don’t even consider it. She’ll have a cow. And he will be controlled by that. And it can all lead to a gigantic cluster fuck. I know this.
guest
I’m friends with my ex. We were each others first love and have been through a lot. We’re not crazy close, but we don’t stop talking when/if we have another bf or gf.
guest
I know I can’t ever be “just friends” with exes. I don’t even understand how people can do that.
guest
@shpadoinkle12@xanga - I am still close to my ex and we are now just friends. It’s working well for the both of us. I think all my feelings have now fizzled. I am feeling okay with where we are. I do wish him the best. I am happy we still have our friendship. I think we were better as friends than as bf/gf. I am at peace.
guest
I think losing friendship with someone you dated just because it can be an inconvenience to their current situation is the easiest and more lazy way out.
I’m from the school of thought that friends that are meaningful, are precious. You don’t walk out on them. Even if it doesn’t suit your fancy. Even if it was “the worst breakup” there are literally very,very rare situations where people cannot end on “good term” and remain friends (I’m not even saying amazing friends). And you know what? Even then, when the heads cool…if the two people are mature enough….a mutual relationship can be created again.
It’s as much effort you put into it. The maturity between the two of you, and the perspective you two have developed will dictate how the relationship-to-friendship path will go.
Oh right, and that tiny thing called communication. Not being friends for the sake of an ex’s current situation is beyond stupid. There is a way to act respectable if they are with another person…but that doesn’t mean throwing in the friendship towel. That has nothing to do with that person. It’s just between you and the ex. Anything said differently is an excuse.
Saying “being friends with the ex when they’re in a relationship is disrespectful because it can causes feelings from the past to come up and screw things up for them” is bull shit. It’s a cope out. It’s an excuse. Why?
If feeling “come out” then they were not fit to be in a new relationship in the first place. If both of you communicate your feels and what you want, things like this will not happen. There should not be a “fear” of “something happening”. It is on you and him/her to sort out those feeling individually.
Hell, my ex of 3 years, we’re still good friends…he admitted his gf gets anxious when I comment on his FB. She’s new to the dating game…so I accommodate her with that, I do it out of respect to their relationship. But that doesn’t change my relationship with him.
The point is, why is it not okay to be friends with an ex?
The issue is resolving and dealing with past feelings. Not running, not ignoring. Not coming up with stupid excuses. If people deal with their feelings…you can have the most amazing friendships with the people you once loved.