First, I want you to roll over, feel around, and make sure you’re not in, on or laying next to an unfamiliar place or person. Then, I want you to do the unthinkable and open your dehydrated, bloodshot eyes, and take a look around. Do all of this while keeping your mouth shut because your breath probably stinks like a recently defiled sh*t-hole of a wooden outhouse.

Even if you made it to your own bed by the end of your booze filled evening, and as much as you’d like to sleep through the pain, the sooner you get up the better. Now, if you have any experience with Holiday Hangovers, certain clinical resources should be in stock, if not in surplus. If “drunk you,” was smart enough to put the cell phone you managed not to lose and a jug of water on your nightstand, then you’re off to a good start.

Flintstones Gummies-Children’s Multivitamin Gummies, 200ct, from Amazon

Once you’ve finally dragged your hung over stumps out of bed, crawl over to the medicine cabinet and grab anything you can stomach. I highly recommend starting your miserable day with Flintstone Gummies. Yes they’re for children, but if you eat them while hungover and claim they didn’t replenish your body in the slightest way, then congratulations, you’re a ridiculous, lying adult. After surviving the aftermath of many hangovers, I’ve never once been nauseated by the prospect of voraciously consuming these tangy, fruity little treats. Three will do you. Try to resist popping the entire jar like they’re a bag of skittles — I only tell you this as a result of my own stupidity.

Once you’ve replenished your depleted vitamin levels, mosey over to your fridge, and chug the bottle of electrolyte-packed SmartWater, that is if you were smart enough to purchase a bottle or two preemptively. Let’s also assume you’re not ready for food yet and you’re sticking to liquids. After you’ve re-hydrated, do what any normal person would tell you not to do, and drink a can of soda, preferably the worst kind for you — think Classic Coke, Mountain Dew, Dr Pepper, etc. This should trick you and your stupid body into feeling better, thanks to the glorious feel-good poison that is the marriage of sugar and caffeine. If you object to soda or don’t have any in stock (idiot), then feel free to replace soda by slugging down some Pepto. Pepto-bismol is a hideous pink liquid that will coat your alcohol ravaged stomach with its wondrous healing powers, that is if you can manage to stomach this thick peppermint-flavored sludge without it inducing the horror you’re attempting to avoid.

 

If you’re ready to stomach some breakfast, then you’re not that hungover, and shouldn’t bother reading this. But if the thought of a hot, delicious, bacon egg and cheese sandwich is making you want to throw your guts up, then the next step is simply to get in the shower. The sooner you wash last night’s glitter, filth and regret off your body, the sooner you’ll be able to feel like a human being. If you’re tremendously hungover, and by that I mean the act of standing is proving to be an arduous activity for you, go ahead and lay down at the bottom of your tub like a muddy yard dog who got tricked into a bath. Wash, rinse, forget, repeat.

If you’ve managed to survive the shower without winding up on your knees with your head in the toilet, then congratulations, you’ve successfully completed the most difficult tasks on your road to a full holiday hangover recovery. Now it’s time for food even if it still sounds completely unappealing to you, you must eat something, a saltine, a lightly toasted slice of whole grain bread, etc. If you’re really feeling bold, manipulate someone else into going out and getting you that extremely unhealthy, high-calorie egg sandwich we’ve been talking about so you can joyously stuff your hungover face with it.

These shades should be the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

If you do feel courageous enough to go out into the world and interact with humanity yourself, you’re probably still drunk, but in any case, it’s important to assume you’re a vampire and get the right eyewear because you’re going to need it. What exactly do you think the V stands for in UV? No not violet — know-it-all — Vengeance. The ancient Egyptian Sun God, Ra does not take kindly to those who drink to excess, and he will not hesitate to smite you with the blinding fury of winter solstice sun, so prepare accordingly.

What liquors are sure to give you a wicked hangover? What are some of your Lovely hangover cures for the holidays?