Before today, I knew less than five things about Taylor Swift. First, I knew what she looks like and I think she has very nice hair. It’s very long and blonde, and I would ask to touch it if I met her. Second, I knew she sang that song about a boy and a girl being in love. Third, I am aware that she dated a Jonas Brother. It did not end well. Fourth, there’s a .gif circulating around Tumblr of her gasping very genuinely and, I’m guessing, very Taylor Swiftly at the sea of cellphones her incredibly large audience created. I see it on my Dashboard on an almost daily basis (I’m not sure if that says something about me, indirectly). And now, I know a bunch of her fans are making some really, really creepy stuff and selling it for astronomical amounts of money on Etsy. Let us browse, shall we?

First, we have the hand painted and, according to the seller’s description “long overdue”(?), Taylor Swift Thong Sandal Converse. For the days when your ankles are cold and your toes are sweltering. Which, I guess, if we’re being practical, could be a solution to some foot odor issues. A little cross ventilation through the nonexistent toe-box. But I digress. Taylor Swift’s cute little mug has been handpainted onto these Thong Sandal Chucks and one must pay $199 in order to call them their own. Uh huh. OR, you could invest in…..

…a Taylor Swift Twin Sized Personal Photo Quilt. With throw pillows. I’m not sure what’s more terrifying — the fact that the maker claims they’re “going fast,” that this too is almost $200, or that it’s been viewed over 3,000 times. But wait, if you dig a little deeper, you’ll find…

TS, re-imagined as a fruit plate. I mean, I’m all about creativity. Let your mind take you wherever it may.  But like, when your mind suggests that you sketch Taylor Swift wearing a slice of pineapple posing as a Elizabethan neck ruff and sell it for $280, maybe you should say, “Hey, mind. No.” Will someone buy this? Has someone bought this? I wish I knew.

And lastly, this. When I turned 7, I had a modest birthday. I believe there were Barbie hats involved, and a cake with a matching theme. We drank soda out of cups. These days though, Makenzie is turning 7 and she’s getting her own personalized Taylor Swift water bottles. Because that’s a birthday necessity (Note to my future child, be it boy or girl: you will drink tap water out of a glass at every birthday I have a say in).

What ridiculous items have you found on Etsy — Taylor Swift or not?