Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, right? (I think mine are burritos.) However, as bad as these national jewelers’ holiday commercials may play, the folks behind them may deserve a lump of coal this year. BUT, remember that if you squeeze hard enough exactly what that coals turns into… That’s right! Dirty hands! See the barfy commercials after the jump.
1. Kay Jewelers. Armed with an artillery of smooth, radio-rock jingles and endless supply of golden dogs, Kay’s already on my sh*t list. Should anyone ever drop to one knee with a velvet box stamped with the Kay logo, I will run. Far, far away. OK, so here we have what seems to be an adorkably mischievous child fiending for cookies and general chicanery. That’s cute, right? Kind of. But Mrs. Nelson, why drop your voice to a questionably carnal alto in front of your child — much less Santa?
2. Zales. This is for the dude who had no luck before with sweet potatoes, nutmeg or chocolate. Apparently the ultimate aphrodisiac comes with a hefty price tag and looks a lot like something likely to adorn American Girl Samantha, as Zales hips us. At least that’s the leg-spreading secret for the Blair Waldorf-lookalike we see in the restaurant. And here I am always thinkin’ it was putting up clean laundry or perhaps a nice IPA. Wow, I’m an idiot. Brooklyn Vegan-approved band Pajama Club provides the bluesy backing track as well as perhaps the one saving grace of the slightly sexist ad. Check please, indeed.
3. Jared Jewelers. Technology wins again! Like any good wife, it seems Dave’s wife successfully rewired the family car to kidnap him on a field trip to the diamond shop. Not only does this resemble another one of Rosie’s (The Jetsons) ole tricks, the creepdom hikes up an extra notch with the mandatory $500+ pay-out jolly Dave gets to dish. Something seems a little fishy about a car making your gift selections for you. Fishy, yet cuddly! This guy knows what I’m taking about.
All of this is not to insinuate that ladies can’t dig on some small and expensive present action and still be totally rad individuals. I just thought it worthy to further investigate the special way television asks us to consider such an idea. Personally, I plan to direct my boyfriend to the sparkly section on Etsy, but that’s just a matter of preference.
What kind of jewelry do you hope for this year? Does the advertising for these national jewelers bother you? Do you like the idea of jewelry as a classic man-to-woman gift?