Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, right? (I think mine are burritos.) However, as bad as these national jewelers’ holiday commercials may play, the folks behind them may deserve a lump of coal this year. BUT, remember that if you squeeze hard enough exactly what that coals turns into… That’s right! Dirty hands! See the barfy commercials after the jump.
1. Kay Jewelers. Armed with an artillery of smooth, radio-rock jingles and endless supply of golden dogs, Kay’s already on my sh*t list. Should anyone ever drop to one knee with a velvet box stamped with the Kay logo, I will run. Far, far away. OK, so here we have what seems to be an adorkably mischievous child fiending for cookies and general chicanery. That’s cute, right? Kind of. But Mrs. Nelson, why drop your voice to a questionably carnal alto in front of your child — much less Santa?
2. Zales. This is for the dude who had no luck before with sweet potatoes, nutmeg or chocolate. Apparently the ultimate aphrodisiac comes with a hefty price tag and looks a lot like something likely to adorn American Girl Samantha, as Zales hips us. At least that’s the leg-spreading secret for the Blair Waldorf-lookalike we see in the restaurant. And here I am always thinkin’ it was putting up clean laundry or perhaps a nice IPA. Wow, I’m an idiot. Brooklyn Vegan-approved band Pajama Club provides the bluesy backing track as well as perhaps the one saving grace of the slightly sexist ad. Check please, indeed.
3. Jared Jewelers. Technology wins again! Like any good wife, it seems Dave’s wife successfully rewired the family car to kidnap him on a field trip to the diamond shop. Not only does this resemble another one of Rosie’s (The Jetsons) ole tricks, the creepdom hikes up an extra notch with the mandatory $500+ pay-out jolly Dave gets to dish. Something seems a little fishy about a car making your gift selections for you. Fishy, yet cuddly! This guy knows what I’m taking about.
All of this is not to insinuate that ladies can’t dig on some small and expensive present action and still be totally rad individuals. I just thought it worthy to further investigate the special way television asks us to consider such an idea. Personally, I plan to direct my boyfriend to the sparkly section on Etsy, but that’s just a matter of preference.
What kind of jewelry do you hope for this year? Does the advertising for these national jewelers bother you? Do you like the idea of jewelry as a classic man-to-woman gift?
sunflower / 413 posts
Well my motto is, Tiffany and Co. or the answer is no. And they don’t need to rely on cheesy commercials.
guest
@Love_never_fails - haha omg i love that!
Well their jewellery stores, their not going to tell guys to buy their SO a dollar store ring, even if she would appreciate it.
daisy / 506 posts
@Love_never_fails - Straight up!
guest
LOL these commercials are so hilarious…in a bad way.
cherry blossom / 27 posts
LOL Great captions…Great post!
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I don’t really see what the big problem is with the second one but the other two were ridiculous…
guest
bhahaha the first one especially cracked me up. Great acting in that one.
guest
Someone is certainly not in the holiday spirit =/
I couldn’t careless about these commercials or the products. It’s December. Instead of nitpicking, why not make a post about the spirit of the holiday… And does it matter that it’s Kay or Tiff. & Co? It’s the thought that counts, right? Not that it’s an engagement ring or whatever. It’s only a gift, in my opinion..
This, I have to say, isn’t one of your best posts.
guest
@alwaysxloved@xanga - i think the second one was insinuating that it’s a “check please” moment because she’s going to have sex with him because he bought her the right shiny object. the whole “women will sleep with you, but only if you buy them expensive jewelry!” message worries me a little. :)
guest
Typically I prefer jewelry that is funky and cheap, like feathers, non precious stones, seeds, shells, glass beads, etc. On most occasions, if my SO is going to buy me jewelry I’d prefer something like that.
I do like some fancy jewelry though. Opal is my birthstone (NOT pink tourmaline >.<) and my favorite gem, and I have an opal jewelry set I wear for special occasions often. Luckily, opals are not super expensive.
I do want a diamond engagement ring, but if my boyfriend buys it from any of the places listed above, or Tiffany’s and Co., I will smack him upside the head. The best place to buy a diamond is a jewelry exchange or a diamond district – not only are the diamonds cheaper, but they’ll often include the setting for free, or you can find a nice one for a very reasonable price.
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Boyne Bryan
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