Lovelyish reader neverlovedhimmoreasked:
My boyfriend and I have been together just little over a year, in this year we’ve been through a lot, he lost his nan, i lost my great nan, i even fell pregnant and we both made the hardest decision and felt the time wasn’t right for a child, I am only 18 and he is 19, and we are both alike in wanting to achieve things and be successful. Throughout all our downs this year, we had stayed very supportive towards each other, even after the abortion, although i felt very depressed for a while, he stayed by my side and together we got through it. We have arguments like normal couples, the odd few being worse than the normal petty ones, but on the whole we have a great relationship, we do a lot together, and see each other regularly, we both get on with each other’s friends and family, and i love him very much, and i know he loves me the same. no doubts.
However, the last couple of weeks, we have been bickering a little more than usual about seeing each other’s phones, him changing our plans at the last second, etc. normal things (i hope ) and we seem to be irritating each other a lot more. things became so bad that we talked about ending it altogether, but we both re-thought and decided after everything, thatt would be giving up too easily, instead we have decided on a break, we both know where stand with this, minimum contact, no seeing other people and we have said 1 week.
I am scared that i will lose him. So, what does a break really mean?
Breaks do not necessarily equal breaking up. They are a completely conditional thing when it comes to relationships as some couples constitute it as a mini-break up and see other people, while others take it as a time away from one another. It seems that you have established the terms of your break and also set a time set but don’t let that necessarily limit you or your relationship to your boyfriend. If you feel you have the need to speak to him then address it.
If you fear that he won’t want to talk just remember that if he truly wants to, he will. Also keep in mind that if you forget what you want and remember what you deserve you’ll find yourself where you want to be.
You both have apparently been through a lot, trying your best to support and comfort one another. But during that period you may have both lost time and efforts from focusing on yourselves as individuals. Remember that a break is not simply just a time to think about your relationship but also a time to reflect and really think about yourself and remember what you want.
How do you define a ‘break’?
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daffodil / 1601 posts
It depends on the relationship and the guy. In my case when my first boyfriend wanted a ‘break’ it was more of a way to cop out of the relationship without officially breaking up with me and let it die on its own. For others, and maybe your case, it means you guys just need some space.
In that week I would probably sit on it and think about these issues in a rational way and what solutions can be made of them. Given how this year has been I would not rule out some counseling. You two had to make some very, very grown up decisions and while 18 and 19 are the ages of adults those types of things are often difficult to handle that young.
ranunculus / 3457 posts
It means he doesn’t have the balls to break up with you.
daffodil / 1601 posts
@MoonFaeEyryan@xanga - Most times I agree with that.
guest
“Breaks” usually end up in breaking up. Sorry
. Usually “breaks” are just a nice way to not break up with you but still mostly breaking up with you. It’s very corny sometimes.
It might work out but I wouldn’t bet on it, it’s probably best to start moving on…
guest
Why are you worried about him? You could be reading, drinking, playing a sport or something. Relationship drama is not going to enrich your life at all. Stop analyzing the “break” so much and get out there and start boning hot men.
What good will come of worrying?
guest
Breaks are extremely hard and different for each couple. I have known friends who were on a break, but each had a different meaning of what the “break” really meant, which eventually led them to break up (take Ross and Rachel for example, lol).
If you do decide to go on a break with your significant other, I think it is extremely important to lay out the “rules” for what the break will mean. Are you able to date other people? Is this just a break between the two – meaning that each person in the relationship is using the break to take time off and focus on himself/herself BUT not date others in the process. Otherwise it could get messy.
guest
I used to think breaks were bullshit but sometimes if you have been with someone for a long time and things have changed but you still love them and you want to see what happens, it’s really not always a bad idea. I was with my last boyfriend since we were 16 and I honestly wish we took a break to get our shit together and hopefully get together later on. I know some people say “Well if they can’t be with you during the hard times then they shouldn’t be with you at all”. But especially when you’re young, it’s best to go through some hard times on your own and having an SO can make things more complicated then they need to be.
guest
I think a break is taking a step back, weighing your options, and deciding if the relationship is really worth staying in.
hydrangea / 96 posts
Last year, i asked my boyfriend to take a break because I had just gotten to college and I wanted to see other people. He was hurt but respected my decision and my honesty… we got back together 2 weeks later. This year, we took another break because we were driving each other insane. I thought it was for good but apparently he didn’t. We got back a week later… it turns out that we really just needed space from each other because neither of us was looking to pursue anything with other people. Our relationship has been awesome since… really. Good luck with everything!
daisy / 603 posts
I think a break is idiotic.
If you want to be together, be together. If you don’t, don’t.
If you two can’t even make up your mind about that, what are you going to do when you have to make a serious decision together?
Sit down, talk things out. Be honest with each other and make a decision, but a break is just dumb.
guest
You both sound immature. You couldn’t take the time to be precautious about using birthcontrol so that an abortion would never be an option? There are too many other details left out for anyone to give good advice. If you’re arguing alot of stupid things, especially over a phone plan, then maybe neither of you are ready for a serious relationship. You both should just move on. If you’re too young to have a baby, then you’re too young to be stuck together trying to decide what a “break” is.
guest
Ross and Rachel, a great picture choice! I swear, sometimes the pictures are so irrelevant…
anyways, I think a break isn’t exactly breaking up but rather some time to cool off and debating whether the pros outweigh the cons and if not, you both move on.
guest
You need to ask HIM what a break is, not a bunch of strangers on the internet. It varies from person to person. Will you see other people? Are you allowed to “flirt” with other people? What are the boundaries, if you can see other people? How long will the break last? Will you stay in contact, or will you not speak to one another?
It’s important to figure out what a break means to the person who is suggesting it.
@Celtic_haven@xanga - This was a pretty insensitive comment. Accidents happen, no matter what age you are. You have no idea what their situation was–if the OP was 40 and saying she had an abortion you probably would not have assumed she was immature. You’re acting prejudiced against her age. The condom could have broken, she could have forgotten a BC pill/taken a few later than normal (which happens to everyone once in a while! Not just 18 year olds!).
Also, every single couple has arguments about stupid things. Not even couples, but just people in general. Fighting is a part of any relationship, and anyone in a relationship–serious or not, romantic or not–needs to learn to navigate disagreements. The advice, “If you’re too young to have a baby, then you’re too young to be stuck together trying to figure out what a break is” is just silly. Just because she doesn’t want a kid at 18 means she can’t have a serious relationship?
guest
“some couples constitute it as a mini-break up and see other people, while others take it as a time away from one another.”
exactly. in my case, it was the latter. we didn’t want to see other people but the relationship was becoming exhausting. the weird thing was he said he was too overwhelmed by me, yet he still called me every night… however, we were also younger and less mature (your ages, actually… no offense lol) so we took a few steps back and remained in contact without the stress of titles or expectations, and 6 months later we got back together and we’ve been together for 4 years since then!
I guess what I’m trying to say is ask about the rules of this particular break.. are you guys going to see other people? how often will you talk/see each other? once you figure out the guidelines, this breather might be exactly what your relationship needs.
guest
my boyfriend and i took a three month break and now we’re happier than ever.
i don’t think a week is long enough. i thinkg it should be at least around a month.
i don’t think you should see other people, but i think you should keep contct to a minimum.
the point of a break is space and to see if you really want that person in your life.
show him it doesn’t bother you, and he’ll come back
guest
Breaks mean different things to different people. In my own experience it just means that you or the other person has one foot out the door.
guest
Breaks don’t always mean that somebody doesn’t have the balls to break up with you. It depends on the relationship. It also depends on how mature you are. My last relationship was ended as a ‘break’ …she must have been on the same page as some of you, because she though I just didn’t have the balls to break up with her. So in her way, she broke up with me (thus, at this point, she is my ex, as I am hers). I called the ‘break’. I wanted her to see that she was causing harm to the relationship, sort of making it toxic. But she is headstrong, and her friends thought I was a bitch. Nobody can really define it, you have to define it on your own terms and make sure each of you in the relationship totally understands the others point of view on the word. But for me, I think a break is literally just that, a break. A step back to step into your partners shoe and see the situation through their eyes.
guest
@lttlegel - you don’t think maintaining a relationship, how or if you even want to do so, is an important enough decision to warrant taking time to yourself to think through? really?
i don’t think i would call anyone’s (reasonable and often very mature) choice to reevaluate what is best for them “idiotic.”
things and people change, people grow, sometimes not in the same ways or direction, so taking a break can just mean stepping back to see what you accomplish on your own or what that means for you and if you can still function as an individual in a relationship or are better without a romantic attachment to that person.
daisy / 603 posts
Yes, I think you should take time for yourself and think things through if you’re having doubts. But that means, go somewhere alone to think, talk it over with a friend or family member you trust, etc… not alone in the sense that you end the relationship for any amount of time.
The relationships I’ve known where people take breaks remind me of high school, usually childish and without meaning. Couples are so back and forth with whether they’re together or not, it seems pointless.
Any issue I’ve ever had personally or I have had as a couple, I’ve worked through with the person I was dating…or If I wasn’t able to do so, I ended things… for good. Yes, I think romantic feelings may often make things a little cloudy and hard to make a rational decision, but I also don’t see a break as a rational decision either.
It’s fine that you wouldn’t call someone’s decision to take a break idiotic, but clearly I would and did.
Any time I’ve known a couple to take a break, it always ends up leading to an actual break up. Sooo, save yourself the drama, the confusion, etc… and just end it if you’re having doubts. More than likely those doubts are there for a reason.