Lovelyish

I think that is horrible advice.

The theory of it is good…. But if you live for eachother… What happens if or when you two ever break up??? You lose everything, and all that you are living for.
Then you will be a dramatic mess, and will feel extremely lost and hurt. 
My advice: respect and good communication..
No need to live for that person. You weren’t placed here to make someone else happy all the time. 

Uh….definitely not.  You lose yourself when you live that way.  If you live solely to make them happy, what do you do when they’re not around?  It has to be both, a balance of making yourself and them happy.

If both people do it then that’s solid advice. If only one person does it then they will be highly miserable and resentful. But then, they would know that such a disrespectful sod is not worth the time and break up with them anyway. So good advice I suppose.

I have never gone to bed angry and woken up happy or more willing to be less angry in the morning, let alone had angry sex. This angry sex is still a mystery to me. So for now I would rather not go to bed angry and would rather just deal with the issue before laying in bed seething next the person who caused me to be angry, :p.

Totally agree! I have been married for 4 years, and have known my husband for 7.  I still have in depth political, spiritual, emotional, and deeply personal conversations with my husband and don’t really expect that to change. Recently, I’ve been pretty sick. I’ve had to have 3 surgeries in the last 2.5 months (2 of them being very urgent) and he has been there for me in every way possible–cooking, cleaning, emotional support, and even working overtime after I had to quit my job.

Initially, people told us we would never make it, either. His mom (who has been here for every surgery and doctor’s appointment..) cried when he told her that he wanted to marry me, my mom told me that he would abuse me like my father did to her and then refused to help plan the wedding (I actually went dress shopping with my MIL). Through all that he has been my best friend, my support system, and my lover. I don’t know what the future holds, but if it’s anything like the past, then, I know that we’ll continue to support and love one another as we have been for the past 7 years.  

Note: Obviously, I think the author is coming from a relationship where her SO focuses on what she wants/needs, and she does the same for him MOST of the time (after all, it can’t always be 50/50). A relationship that is one sided and or abusive in any way would never be able to function appropriately. And living for someone else doesn’t by any standard mean that you’re losing yourself. It means that you’re watching another aspect of you (since we’re all multifaceted) grow into a healthy and MUTUAL relationship. 

1. “A relationship isn’t 50/50, it’s 100%/100%.” – My mom.

2. You’re not writing an instruction manual, you’re just learning how to operate one machine. that one is my own.

I think that’s actually really good advice. My personal theory whenever I feel like i’m being too selfish is love isn’t just loving them because they make you happy (although it is a really important part!) it is also loving that you make them happy. Although I can see the flaws in my theory, it’s just one of the many things I believe in. 

BRAVA! A woman who knows whereof she speaks.

YESSS! Great advice! My boyfriend moved from the city he had a good job & school for me. And i’ve been the selfish one  finally woke up! This is advice I learned on my own and it makes me happy other people agree! Once someone gets selfish is when a relationship falls apart!

@xraindropsonroses@xanga - My interpretation of her advice wasn’t that you should live your life solely for your partner and have no interests of your own. Rather, that you shouldn’t just think of yourself all the time and should take into consideration what makes them happy.

@xraindropsonroses@xanga - @Gorrific@xanga - I think that’s actually pretty good advice.

A lot of the comments say that it’s bad because what happens when you break up? Well, yea you lose everything, but the thing is, you take that risk for love.

Because when you have two people living for each other, the outcomes are amazing and it is found in successful relationships.

And when you live for each other, it’s not about losing yourself, your interests or your thoughts.

In a relationship you need to find someone who supports your interests or who have similar interests, you have similar plans because then you are both working for something together.

If you’re not willing to take that risk, then I don’t think you’ll ever be completely open or available to fall in love.

@xiaosnowtenshi@xanga - I think that makes more sense in my mind. 

@Xbeautifully_broken_downX@xanga - Sorry that you’ve been dealing with health issues. I hope you’re recovering quickly and feeling better! Sounds like your husband is a great guy! Wishing you guys much happiness and health!

I’ve been married for 6 years and can relate to the author. I don’t think you lose yourself by trying to make the other person happy or thinking of your spouse before yourself. When you’re married and you fight, there’s no winner or loser -you’re both losers. When my spouse hurts, I hurt and vice versa.

@eugenia@xanga - Thank you so much for the well wishes! I agree with your perspective on marriage as it aligns with my own. Haha. I wish you both happiness as well!

@kackie - Your mom’s quote is a great one!

I wasn’t given any relationship advice. I like to observe others (or people watch, if you want to call it that) and see how they go about their business and how they work out problems. Obviously, not every couple can work out every situation how someone told them to work it out, they have to work it out for themselves. There is no one right way to have a perfect relationship.

I think it’s important that a couple work as a team and want the best for each other.

I’m pretty sure when they say “don’t go to bed angry” they don’t literally mean don’t get into bed angry, I think they mean don’t go to sleep angry at each other.

at least that’s how I always took it, when my nana said it to me.

That’s what love is, doing things FOR the other person. I think selfishness gets in the way

I *love* this piece of advice.  I also love, “Be honest with yourself and with each other.  About EVERYTHING.” 

And my own piece, gleaned from the amazing time spent with my wonderful fiance (yes, I’m all giddy-in-love, but I think this helped us get there): You HAVE to talk.  You can’t just pretend things are ok.  Talk when something is nagging at you – get it out there, with your partner, so the two of you can tackle issues head-on.  It’s the holding it in & pretending to be “fine” that is a catalyst for a small annoyance becoming a huge, relationship-ending issue.  Just talk, talk, and talk some more. That, combined with REALLY listening and paying attention to each other, has lead us to the point we can tell – just by tone of voice, over the phone – if something is bothering the other.  And then we get that out in the open, and figure out how to deal with it and get back to our normal, loving, happy place.

Appreciate each other, and tell the other they are appreciated.  Be specific.  It seems little, but it makes a big difference.
Oh, and laugh together.  About things that mean nothing to ANYONE but the two of you.  Thinking of the inside jokes that ONLY my fiance and I ‘get’ has helped me get through some tough times – both personally and in our relationship.

i dont believe in anything that codependent

I think it’s important to create your own happiness. Do not live for someone else… live for yourself. Then, share yourself with your partner.

I think this is great advice.  There are a lot of selfish people out there…

Thanks for the comments! Honestly I have to agree with BOTH sides of the argument. Here’s from my perspective: My husband and I live for each other. We do whatever we can do make the other happy. But we are also separate people with separate interests. He like spending time at the gym and loves the latest technology. I would be miserable being stuck at the gym (unless I’m watching him workout lol) and I like to learn how to survive without technology. We complete one another. We are so secure in who we are as individuals that we can give everything to the other without fear and vise versa. Living for someone else doesn’t mean that you don’t have a life of your own, it means supporting the other person in who they are so they can live to their full potential. And since they are doing the same for you, you will always know that there is someone who will help you be strong when you don’t feel like you are.

And another completely honest confession: in all the time we’ve known one another, my husband and I have only ever gotten into one fight. It was really more of a disagreement, no yelling, name calling or whatever actually constitutes a fight. And that was because he forgot who WE are and tried to follow advice that didn’t pertain to us. (A woman at work was complaining because her husband was always “in her space”. So he was trying to give me my space when I didn’t ask for it. That didn’t apply to us, I never feel that way.) So I guess technically I’ve never actually had going to bed angry sex. That comment was meant more as a joke. lol 
You have to apply the advice that you get to your own personality and relationships. If you know that this advice isn’t going to work for you, don’t try it, at least right now. Maybe you’ll find yourself in a situation where it’ll come in handy one day. =)

I agree with the people saying this isn’t the best advice. Everyone needs to focus on themselves and do the things that make them happy and healthy. That’s what you do when single, right? And when a relationship starts, I don’t think that should change. I don’t think anything should be expected to change when going into a relationship from friendship, because I know from experience that feeling obligated to act a certain way or change certain things will only create resentment. I would never want my boyfriend to do something or not do something that he normally would do/not do just because of me. I’m a very independent person and so is he, and I want him to live his life, and I’ll live mine, and we share our lives with each other.

The only thing that a relationship requires is trust and being faithful to that person, and if you’re truly in love, the rest will follow.

But then again, everyone is different and everyone has different levels of dependency on their SO and different expectations in their own relationships. If you find something that works for you, go for it.

@ZepBlueEyedGirl@xanga - I always love your advice! hope you are doing well!

@goofball4@xanga - Aww, thanks!  You too – keep me updated!!

@greene_lily@xanga - You are wise, and I think your relationship is all the better because of it.  As my mom told me, “Listen to everything people tell you; keep the good bits stored away & use them; ignore the rest.”

You have to figure out what works for you, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this explanation of your original statement: “Living for someone else doesn’t mean that you don’t have a life of your own, it means supporting the other person in who they are so they can live to their full potential.” 
That, to me, is EXACTLY what being a good partner in a healthy relationship is all about. It really does mean you go from 50/50 to 100/100.

@xraindropsonroses@xanga - have you been married happily for 11 years? just curious.

Our marriage therapist disagrees with that advice.

However, people have different personalities and different ways that they receive and give love. That must be how you two work. It is def not how my husband and I work.

The best advice I’ve received is “you must first love yourself before you love others.” Truly you must focus on yourself and on building your own life before you can engage in successful relationships with others.

For the people that don’t agree, have you even been in a relationship longer than 9 years if so ssshh! But other than that, I think she’s right me and my honey’s 5 year anniversary is coming up! A good relationship advise as well is to be catering to your partner’s needs like make sure he always feels special and treat your partner right! For example, I’m a huge homemaker when I have time I always make sure the home is clean and light up candles to make sure the home smells good. I also give him massages and 100% of my attention. In other words, I always make sure he’s pampered! If you just cater to the person and put in 100% u can never go wrong because if something bad happens you’ll pick yourself just as easily cuz u know your self worth! 

LOL seems to me all the singles out there think this is horrible advice, yet all the ones who are married or engaged think it’s great. My opinion: I’m engaged, it’s been 2 years now, we live together. We live FOR eachother. Who the fuck wants to be miserable? What are the dumb fucks talking about this being ‘horrible advice?’ Maybe you guys have never actually been in a REAL relationship. Come back & comment on this post when you grow up. Such ignorance. I’m disgusted. Seriously. Save this page to your favorites, find the one you love, however long it takes, & re-read this article. Goodbye.

@ZepBlueEyedGirl@xanga - Thanks. I’m sure originally I did come across as extremely codependent. But to me the relationship is about completing one another. =)

@greene_lily@xanga - Exactly! I don’t think the author meant that you should drop all your individuality and ability to live by yourself. I think she just meant that you both have to be willing to try to make one another happy and do things for them every once in awhile instead of just yourself.

@Seameyes6@xanga - You’re right, I did!  Except in my relationship, we do things for one another on pretty much constant basis, instead of just once in a while. But everyone has to do things for their relationship however it works best for them. 

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