Lovelyish

maybe if I ever develop a taste for pain I’d date a cheater, but really once a cheater always a cheater, it’s a matter of ethics.

I dated a guy who cheated on a girl before.  I would not have dated him if I had known that.  That’s not because I necessarily believe ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ but because of how he flirted with other girls.  Before him I dated a guy who cheated on me 3 different times.  Since dating me he’s only been in open relationships.  I’m not sure if he’s capable of being with only one person.

Obviously someone can change their behavior. It’s 100% possible. I think the biggest indicator would be how honest is that person with you now? If they’re honest all of the time, then I’d say you have nothing to worry about. If they lie a lot and are generally deceptive, then something is wrong and they probably have not changed.

Jesse James will always be a cheater.

As for other cheaters, it really does depend.  I know people who cheated on a spouse (both deserved and undeserved) and they divorced and married the other person.  Their marriage has lasted longer than the original marriage they cheated on with.  It really depends more on the situation and knowing/understanding the facts. 

It’s not about WHY. It’s about the fact that you were enough of an a-hole to break the trust and heart of someone you supposedly love.

you know there is an old korean saying: “there are people have who have never once cheated but there are none who have cheated just once.”

i remain unconvinced by the “you can change your behavior” crap esp when it comes to romantic infidelity

I would say it’s a trait if it happens in almost every relationship the guy is in. And are they cheating with a bunch of women? Or is it one that they keep going back to every time. Because maybe then they’re just in love with a certain women but their relationship cannot work for whatever reason (For example in Sex and the City with Carrie and Big before they got married.)

not always but probably imo

to me a trait is a characteristic that you develop over time. that being said if you continue to do the same thing in every relationship that you’re in but expect a different result then you need to look in the mirror and re-evaluate yourself .

i don’t know if one is neccessarily more important than the other, when it happened or why it happened. i suppose it depends on the situation . do you mean when as in what age [ say you cheated on your gf / bf when you were 16 but now you're 30 ] or do you mean in terms of when in your relationship [ when you weren't "official" yet or a year after living together? ]

i’m only 20 so who knows what will happen in the future but as of yet i’ve never dated a cheater, all the guys that i’ve dated have always DESPIED cheating & i think that that may have been part of my attraction to them . if you don’t want to be lied to and deceived then why would you do it to someone else?

Like I posted on the last one, I dated a guy for over 2 years & we broke up. A few months later, I met a guy who I thought I liked. Looking back, I had just thought I liked him because he was the first person to show me compassion in a time of hurt & need. We started dating for a little, he was full aware that I still loved my ex. I ended up cheating on him with my ex. I immediately felt guilty, told the new guy what happened & ended the relationship. I started dating my ex again, and 4 years later, we are still dating. I love him more than anything, and I would NEVER do anything to hurt him, including cheating on him. Don’t judge a situation/position that you’ve probably never been in before.

“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words;
Be careful of your words, for your words become your deeds;
Be careful of your deeds, for your deeds become your habits;
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character;
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.”

I don’t believe ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’.  But, cheating doesn’t just happen out of nowhere (generally).  It begins with a thought.  It begins with allowing oneself to be in those iffy, tempting situations.  So, by the time the act of cheating occurs, the thoughts behind it have probably already become habitual and onwards to becoming a character trait.  It’s never impossible to change, but it can be difficult.

Im not going to lie. I have cheated in the past. And I haven’t told my current boyfriend (almost 4 years together). I’d rather keep it private because I am  pretty sure he believes in once a cheater, always a cheater. Alot of times though, it is true. I am just an exception I’ve also grown up, people who cheat aren’t exactly the most maturest people.

It is ALWAYS important to know why someone cheated. If you don’t solve the initial problem the behavior will be repeated, just like if you don’t learn from the past it’s doom to repeat itself.

There are different types of cheaters, sure, but that doesn’t make any of them right. There are those one time cheaters who get cold feet or unsure of their relationship and decide to explore their curiousty to only result in extreme guilt and shame. There are the kind that will be serial cheaters because in their minds they are incapable of being pleased or happy with just one woman. Of course, those are the ones that will tell each woman how much they love them when they really love none of them. The woman they love does not exist, so they’ll never find her. Sometimes people are unhappy in their relationship but feel trapped so they venture out to find happiness from someone else. And sometimes people find themselves in random situations where lust takes over, which could lead to many different things like guilt or the opening of a doorway never explored before. Or it could lead to the realization of what the person actually wants or doesn’t want. The point is if you never get to the root of the problem it’s never going to get fixed. People don’t change unless they want to, and if something is still bothering them or making them unhappy then most likely change is not on the horizon.

Most men will not come right out and admit they cheated in past relationships unless they can spin it to where it was their ex girlfriend’s fault somehow. You take a risk when you get in a relationship. If you notice a lot of lying and deceptive qualities get out before you get in too deep. If you’re confronted with a cheating lover you should always at least find out why and what the real problem was. It might be something you can work out, or it might not be. It might be something you can change in your next relationship with someone else.

Most people like to play with fire, but if you can’t handle being burned, you shouldn’t strike the match.

I can see how the question of “when” could actually be useful, depending on how long ago and his/her age now. However, the question of “why” has never been of any use to me. What difference does it make really and how would you know that the person who just lied to and cheated on you is even telling the truth as to why they did it? Once a person cheats on me, the trust is broken completely, and lying about it just makes it a lot worse when I find out. It’s over and done with either way though. There’s no reason or excuse, nothing will ever justify those actions. Doesn’t matter what mental gymnastics they do to justify what they did, I don’t care. It will always boil down to the fact that if they had a problem with me, they should have addressed it or ended the relationship. It’s the only decent thing to do really. Sneaking around and lying is just horrible. 

I will never fathom how someone can say “I love you” to their SO’s face and then just go off and cheat. Those kinds of people are some of the worst kinds of people, just because of how fucked up of a thing that is to even be able to do. Do them a favor and just end the relationship before you go off and cheat. It’s not fair to them and you’re just being a selfish asshole. We all have self-control. We can keep ourselves out of certain situations and/or walk away from certain situations. It really is not difficult, unless there is something mentally keeping you from succeeding in this situation, like a disorder of some sort.

I think it would be fair to point out that women cheat, too. I know most of you are aware and accept that, but I still feel like a lot of people make comments about how HE did this, and THIS GUY is a cheater, etc. I’ve cheated before. I’m not proud and it wasn’t right and I don’t like that I did it. I felt justified at the time, but you know how that is. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about cheating in a relationship or not, sometimes we do things that are selfish and feel like the best thing in the moment, but we regret it later. I think comments like, “you wouldn’t do it if you loved the person” are bullshit. I can be in love with someone and still make a mistake and feel regret and shame and guilt forever because of it. It doesn’t make my committment or my love or my relationship any less significant because I had a lapse in judgment. I’m probably going to get so much shit for this comment, but that’s fine.

I think it’s also a matter of what “cheating” is defined as, because it can be different for different people. When I say I cheated, I mean that I invested time and emotion into a friendship with a guy that I knew had feelings for me while I was in a relationship already myself. We kissed once. If we’re talking about repeatedly sleeping with someone behind your SO’s back, I think that makes a difference. Maybe I was “emotionally” cheating, but I didn’t sleep with this person. I never, ever would go that far. I didn’t even want to. I was at a place in my relationship where I didn’t feel like I was getting the attention that I wanted or needed, so I hung out with someone else because it made me feel better. That was wrong, but we worked through it. We’ve been together almost five years, despite the one time that I did something stupid. I wasn’t genetically predetermined to be a cheater and then had to “change,” I just chose to go through with something in a moment because I thought that’s what I wanted. It was hard to be forgiven, but it happened. 
The details of the situation are going to be so very different for every relationship, and I think the “why” really does change it. 

I think Kat believed that she was better than Sandra Bullock and Jesse James LOVED her more, to be simply satisfied with HER attention, rather than cheat on her with others. I think that’s the catch right there. But they met WHILE he was cheating on his WIFE. Why would the situation be any different to find him cheating on HER while she’s not there with him, giving him every moment of her life/time 24/7? Whether he’s emotionally dysfunctional or self destructive is not relevant. But the fact that they met while he was cheating on his wife WITH her and other tattooed ladies in the past did nothing, if not be overconfident that she can “change” him into a monogamous man.

Moving to the side note: “when” or “why” really doesn’t matter. Once the cheater has cheated and was caught or confessed, the damage is DONE. I suppose the question of “when” would become relevant if s/he was caught cheating while denying the evident that the cheated-on person was using to confront the issue and get to the bottom of it. “how can you lie to my face for so long?” is a hurtful situation. But at the end of the day, would you take someone back, who have not only became unfaithful to you and your relationship, but have lied to your face and concocted numerous stories to support that BIG lie in the first place? Can you trust someone who can lie to you without really being obvious about it? Can you trust someone who has lied to you so successfully?

The trust that was broken needs a LOT of time, doubt, consideration, and communication, if it can ever be mended. Personal point, I have never cheated but I have been cheated on. Once the anger and all other hurtful emotions have left my senses, the only question that came to mind was: “how many lies did he tell me to support his original lie about his faithfulness?” and I couldn’t get over that. I believe in my partner. I have no reason to doubt or to uncredit the things that he tells me. I won’t judge or question his motivates or his supporting evidence. I shouldn’t need to. And once it’s broken, I can’t go back, believing everything without being filled with doubt.

There are always exceptions but I do think these generalizations and sayings exist for a reason.

it’s hard enough for me to really trust someone. if i knew a guy had cheated in the past more than once, it’d probably be a definite no. if he had only cheated once, he’d have to earn my trust and it would be difficult, but i would consider it. if he’d cheated on me, i’d break up with him immediately and if he could earn my trust again and i still wanted to date him, i probably would.

generally, i’d say dating a cheater is a bad idea, but i also am a big believer in second chances. if someone has only cheated once, i’d say it’s not guaranteed that they will cheat again.