Since we were both home for Labor Day weekend, my friend invited me out to one of the hometown bars for some girl time/our karaoke debut. The place wasn’t too packed, which was nice, but busy enough to people watch and get a real cheer after a mediocre vocal performance. With about 25 minutes before my self-given curfew to spare, a group of guys took their seats at the table behind us and talk with us.
One in particular was trying a bit more to get to know me than most strangers do.
He was pleasant to talk to and was very curious about why I was there, where I went to school, what I studied, and what my interests were. He asked about my opera ambitions, and I think he’s the first non-musician that asked and took genuine interest when I explained what voice type I was and what I wanted to do after I graduate (which can be a tedious, boring story to those that aren’t knowledgeable in the field.)
Of course, he told me his story as well (which I won’t reveal for his privacy.) He then offered to buy me a drink, and kindly brought me a pop when I explained I would be driving home soon. He told me I had a pretty smile. He hinted at getting my number.
Here’s the catch–I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am madly in love with. Of course I wasn’t there to cheat or cause a scandal. I enjoy talking to new people, and of course I’m not going to turn down a beverage. I stayed modest and kind, but didn’t attempt to give him the wrong idea.
I could have told him that I was taken, but I left that detail out and simply explained that I would be going back to school after the weekend was over, so my number wouldn’t be incredibly appealing. I figured that approach wouldn’t lower confidence and would keep me from looking like a total jerk (I was convinced I didn’t flirt, but with the whole number question, I didn’t want to look I led him on just to drop him off a cliff). He was also from out of town, so my explanation was well accepted.
He then said something I don’t hear every day. He told me I wasn’t like other girls, that I wasn’t one-night-stand material.
“You’re the girl that guys want to get to know and date.”
I was extremely flattered by this, and my self-esteem shot through the ceiling. Mild, innocent me blushed and told him he was very sweet as I gathered my things to leave…late for my self-given curfew.
Thank you, stranger at the bar, for being so sweet. You made me feel pretty and special, and you made me blush like a school girl. I have no idea what your original intentions were, but I had a great time talking with you.
But Lovelies, I do have questions.
Did I handle this situation properly, especially considering that I have a boyfriend? Do you think I was leading him on? Is it wrong for someone who is in a relationship to accept drinks from those who are possibly “on the prowl?”
Could this be viewed as cheating? Please let me know what you think!
guest
I’ll say that I don’t view it as cheating. You had no intentions of doing anything with him, and you didn’t.
The caveat is that what constitutes “cheating” varies with the relationship. Would your SO view this as cheating? Then either it was in the context of your relationship or your views are distinct enough from his that you should probably discuss the topic at length.
hydrangea / 80 posts
In this case, no. While I think that chatting up strangers in bars can be emotional cheating in other scenarios, here, this was something that kind of just fell into your lap, and you didn’t encourage it. When you saw it was getting too flirty, you probably should have made an excuse and left, but on the whole, you didn’t really do anything wrong.
guest
No, that isn’t cheating. As long as it was something you wouldn’t mind talking to your boyfriend about.
guest
As long as you tell your boyfriend, it doesnt matter. If you dont, you come off as a shady liar.
guest
If you feel guilty and think it was, then it was. Otherwise, stop sweating.
daisy / 526 posts
Did you fuck him? Did you kiss him? Did you do anything that you’d be blushin’ to tell your mother about? No. It wasn’t cheating. Talking to random strangers doesn’t count as cheating, even if there is some flirting going on, since that’s just how some people talk. If you’re boy would get pissed over this, then you need yourself a new boy.
guest
@live_for_love@xanga - Agreed! As long as you’re faithful, you’re fine.
magnolia / 1357 posts
I don’t think it is cheating. Something similar happened to me during one of my summer classes.
Like you, I didn’t want to tell that guy about my boyfriend so as to not hurt his feelings… I waited for the appropriate moment and seized the opportunity to tell him when it presented itself… three weeks into the class.
However, I told my boyfriend about this guy since the first day he came in with a packet of cookies for me (I love, love, love, love Chips Ahoy hahha), and I let him know I was waiting for the right time to tell this boy about him, my boyfriend. I explained to him that I didn’t want to come off as a bitch or as if I was just “making up” a boyfriend to avoid this guy, and he totally understood. Oh, and of course I told my boyfriend about the time I finally told the guy about him… and how he proceeded to avoid me even when we would get into the elevator.
To me, cheating means doing something you wouldn’t tell your SO out of shame, guilt or regret.
guest
would you have talked to the guy for that long if your boyfriend had been there? my general rule of thumb: if i wouldn’t do it in front of my guy, i shouldn’t do it at all.
guest
It depends on the relationship and what you two both believe…If I were in that situation, I would probably have denied the drink and headed out (non-alcoholic or not)…or politely blew the bar guy off.
guest
I don’t think its cheating.. He tried to talk to you and get your number, not the other way around. You probably feel guilty bc you’re a good gf, but I think you should be okay! Just innocent talking!
rose / 791 posts
Talking to other people doesn’t count as cheating, let’s not be ridiculous here.
rose / 791 posts
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - if her boyfriend had been there, he’d never have spoken to her in the first place.
guest
It’s not cheating, but you should told him that you have a boyfriend;)
rose / 903 posts
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - This is what I was going to say.
@written_conversations@xanga - What she’s saying is, if her boyfriend could just see what was happening (but have no influence), what would she have done?
I think you handled it pretty well, but if it were me, I wouldn’t accept the drink. Would you be ok with your boyfriend buying a drink for another girl at a bar? Also, I always find a way to mention I have a boyfriend from the get go – it keeps me honest.
guest
Honestly, it is up to the people in the relationship. I do not view it as cheating. I don’t think that I would have accepted the drink only because for some men, it sends the signal that the woman they are talking to may be interested in more than a brief conversation. I agree with not3000, cheating is doing something you would not tell your SO about because it would jeopardize your relationship.
guest
While not cheating, I think most SO would not take it well knowing that there partner is out talking and flirting with strangers that are interested in more than friendship. Personally, I’m not the jealous type and I’m actually okay with my girl getting an ego boost from being hit on. I mean why wouldn’t other guys hit on her, I did so I can’t blame them but I do put the responsibility squarely on her to turn them down in a nice way (she can be mean about it and I do feel bad for the guys sometime). On the flipside, she would not be okay with girls hitting on me, which almost never happens but when it does, I don’t tell my GF because she’ll make a mountain out of a mole hill.
guest
I think it depends on the relationship.
My ex has a very bad past with cheating. 8 years of my life truly dedicated to him and he cheated on me at LEAST 5 times that I am aware of. I would be concerned with him chatting up a random lady in a bar simply because of his weakness. I view it as putting alcohol in the hands of a recovering alcoholic. Does that mean I would have expected him to have zero contact with women for the rest of his life, of course not, but a bar, while drinking is not the place.
So, in this case I mentioned above, it’s not exactly cheating in my opinion, but it is shaky ground. Why test the waters?
I’ve never cheated and I NEVER would, it goes again all my personal morals, I’ve chatted to random guys at a bar while attached and I’ve accepted drinks, but I’ve never given them my number or gone home with them, I’ve never let him touch me in any form. It was harmless chatting.
guest
I don’t think that it is cheating, but you should have mentioned that you had a boyfriend.
guest
you weren’t even really flirting with him based on the context of the conversation, so I’d say you were fine.
he was clearly flirting with you though, hahaha yay self-esteem!
guest
I think it’s more about whether or not your SO would be hurt by the behavior–when you say cheating it makes me think of physical sexual relations/emotional relations beyond just friends. Just this afternoon I was on facebook and an old crush’s status popped up about attempting to cook. I was tempted to recommend a good food blog or something, but we don’t talk that often and I don’t think my boyfriend would be happy if he saw that I had commented on the status. So I didn’t.
You didn’t lead the guy on at all, you were just talking, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If it’s bothering you just tell your boyfriend to get it off your chest.
lily / 5148 posts
It’s not.
guest
I didn’t even read the blog, and I can already tell you: NO.
daisy / 597 posts
I’m not going to read your post… all I need to do is read the title.
Here’s the answer honey…
YOU KNOW if it was or was not cheating… If you didn’t you wouldn’t be freaking out over it.
See, here’s the problem that we have today- people see cheating as a “physical” act… the problem is that cheating starts with desire, and desire is in our hearts, hence NOT physical… So here’s the dealio… if you WANTED this guy/person… then you were cheating in a way. THAT way was in your heart.
In your heart, you wanted something that was NOT your fiance… You WANTED to feel liked/pretty/whatever. That’s fine… it makes you human… but was it a form of cheating? Yes. That form has to do with your “secret desires”…
Another way to look at whether something is cheating or not is to ask yourself this, “Would I be totally comfortable if my future spouse did the same and didn’t tell me… ?” If the answer is “no” then you were cheating.
This is something that you might want to be open with your future spouse about… ESPECIALLY (and I mean especially) if you want him to be open with YOU whenever he talks to a girl in a bar.
guest
You were extremely cavalier and incredibly unforthcoming!
Kudos to you on the way you dealt with it. I’m taking tips from this encounter, myself! xD
guest
I agree with some of the other commenters. Not cheating, but you probably should have mentioned that you had a boyfriend.
guest
i didn’t read anything except for the title. and, are you kidding me. haha, cheating is kissing, fucking, giving, receiving, or participating in sexual activity. if you’re hardcore flirting with a mate, that just means you have your priorities muffed up.
guest
Not at all! You did well.