Lovelyish

Do you ever feel pressure from society to be the perfect woman?

All the time. I find one flaw, it gnaws at me. I recognize that it shouldn’t bug me… society’s standards shouldn’t bother me… but it’s hard when so much value is placed on physical looks.

I feel pressure in the sense that I sometimes feel ugly over having frizzy hair, or an imperfect smile (though, who’s to say that no spaces and brilliant white teeth are perfect?  It’s all so subjective culture to culture).  I’ve always been slender, so that never bothered me… having small breasts never bothered me either.

What’s funny is, society’s definition of beauty changes all of the time.  Tanned skin used to be looked down upon, as paleness was desired thanks to the rich always staying indoors, and workers remaining outside on the farm, things of that nature.  Now, tanning beds (as unhealthy as they are) are all the rage.  Being overweight in some countries is expected because it means that the man of the family can provide enough food and other amenities.  Here in America, being skinny is desired.  Why?  Who knows.  Perhaps these standards occur slowly, incrementally, then seem to remain for ages.

It really bothers me, though, when people put more time and care into their appearances than their souls.  I know of too many women with great physical beauty and tattered, unkempt minds.  They’re beautiful, but they’re cruel and self-centered.  It’s overwhelming the rest of us.

I think transgender people are some of the bravest people ever, and that truly makes people like you BEAUTIFUL. Whoever tells you different has issues with themselves, not you : )

I don’t know about feeling pressure from society to be the perfect woman per se, but when I was younger, I felt so out of place growing up with hardly any Asians around. The ideal then and the ideal now is to be this tall, blonde, blue-eyed beauty…something I will never be nor do I wish to be.

I’m at a point in my life that I accept my unique looks. Years ago, my Asian eyes, chest, and full lips were derided. Now, people tell me my best feature is my lips especially when I smile. NO ONE should define what is beautiful in you, but YOU.

I love this. <3 

M,

I think you’re beautiful. Knowing you has given me the freedom and the inspiration and the courage to be honest about my own struggles with gender, sexuality and identity. I feel pressure all the time to be something I’m not. Thanks for being one of those people that I know can lead me out from under all the bullshit, to be the beautiful, handsome, funny, intelligent person I am.

Khai

You never will be considered a female. Females are born with certain parts that you do not have. If someone is telling you you’re ugly because you’re transgendered you have every right to ignore them and call yourself beautiful.

@theflowerstem@xanga - But does female/male always have to do with physicalities?  If that’s a word, but you get my meaning.  Gender is different than sex.  Gender encompasses how a person feels inside.  Sex is merely indicative of what society calls you, for the most part; gender is more than that.

@theflowerstem@xanga - There’s a difference between being male/female by sex, which is what you’re describing, and being male/female by gender, which has to do with identity. No matter what you’re born with, what you identify as is far more important.

@ohforrealson@xanga - @PinkLeopards@xanga - I wasn’t reffering to gender or sex, I was talking about the organs that a natural born female will have that a transgendered one will not have, like the ovaries for example and the male and female skeleton have different shaped hips.

@theflowerstem@xanga - Yes, which is sex. Not intercourse, sex. There’s a difference between one’s biological sex and gender identity.

@theflowerstem@xanga - I’m just saying, people always focus on sex.  What we’re born with.  I’m not saying it’s wrong (almost everybody thinks that way).  Not many people realize that it’s often far removed from how a person feels inside, for many people.  And I’m not attacking you, I’m speculating and thinking out loud, per se.

I wish more people focused on gender, is all.

@PinkLeopards@xanga - I get confused sometimes, I think sex is about what you appear to be and it isn’t, my mistake. I really believe that no matter how female a transgendered looks they will never be truely female. What does being female mean? Being born with female organs. That’s like a black person developing vitiligo (where your cells attack your melanin cells and eventually leave you with fair skin) and calling themselves white. They don’t have white features, they’re not white.

@theflowerstem@xanga - The last metaphor was a bit off so I won’t comment on that but yes, sex is the biological part of it. Defining someone as a “real female” can be purely from a biological point of view (focusing on sex) or it could be from a social and psychological point of view (gender). 

@ohforrealson@xanga - I didn’t feel attacked. I’m just going by the logical and scientific definiton of what a female is.

@PinkLeopards@xanga - I’m focusing on the biological point of view. I don’t believe that someone can feel female, it’s not a feeling.

@theflowerstem@xanga - Sure they can. Do you identify with what society defines as masculine? You lack that feeling, that connection with the male *gender.* Several men also feel that lack of connection with what society has deemed as “masculine” and identify more with what society deems as “feminine.”

Being transgendered isn’t about just swapping the physical package, it has to do with gender identity. You identify yourself as a female, and since you are a female by sex you’re not going to be considered transgendered. You actually do feel feminine. When you think about gender and all its *social* and *psychological* implications, you think of yourself as a woman, regardless of what your genitalia consist of.
If you switched sex right now you’d still identify as a female. You’d just have a penis.

I have a horrible, horrible view of myself & my body. & I don’t understand why. I won’t even lie, I am constantly hit on & told that I’m beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, skinny, etc. but in all honestly, I just don’t always see it. I used to think I was, but now I’ve started hating myself. I try to talk to people about it, but they get mad & say I’m fishing for compliments or just being stupid. Its not something I can control at all, I really wish I could view myself as beautiful, I truly do. I feel like every other day I find something else wrong with myself, and if you could see my list of plastic surgeries I would get if I had the money, you would be appalled. No one understands, though… people just insult me about it.

@heart_leigh@xanga - It’s interesting that you mention the blonde-blue eyed stereotype. I read “The Bluest Eye” in high school and it has portions that allude to that same stereotype being pushed onto african americans. I wonder where that even came from, you know? Because as a brunette-green eyed white girl I’ve never felt that stereotype being pushed onto me… in fact, blondes were often at the blunt end of jokes. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I don’t show any characteristically unique traits of my heritage (ie, skin color, facial features… I’m quite average.)

@SUPletstake___surveys@xanga - Society tends to royally screw women over because we have a history of being oppressed. Just because we aren’t anymore doesn’t mean there are no problems. You might be interested in reading “Appetites: Why Women Want” by Caroline Knapp. It has a slightly specific focus on how women are especially afflicted with eating disorders, but it’s MAIN focus is on how society is negatively affecting women. For example, for decades women were oppressed and essentially told to be quiet, unobtrusive, polite little girls, but now there is a whole world of opportunity that seems to overwhelm us… yet we are still told “how” to be. Very interesting read that I would recommend at least looking at on B&N.com or amazon (:

@PinkLeopards@xanga - If you switched sex right now you’d still identify as a female. You’d just have a penis.

I would still feel female because it’s something I’ve been my entire life. The thing with transgenderds is, they feel like they should have been born the opposite sex and they describe that by saying they’ve grown up doing things that most members of the opposite sex would do (i.e. playing with boy toys when they’re female, playing in their mother’s shoes and jewerly when they’re male).

Several men also feel that lack of connection with what society has deemed as “masculine” and identify more with what society deems as “feminine.”

The first half of your sentence is correct most men don’t feel like the macho man America wants them to be, but I don’t believe they would feel more feminine. I believe most of them would forget about that stereotype and consider themselves manly in other ways.

@theflowerstem@xanga - There are men that identify more with the female gender, it’s not just men that feel really manly and then men that feel slightly less manly.

@PinkLeopards@xanga - Well, what I should have said was, I don’t think those same men identitfy with the female gender so much that they feel the need to get a sex change.

i really don’t get why women in this culture are so fucking obsessed with being beautiful - we hold ourselves back when we buy into this perpetual idea that a woman should be beautiful, almost to the degree of saying, “a woman without beauty is a woman without worth.”

when we try to “take beauty back”, we are still buying into this ideal & finding our “own” way to conform to it. instead of saying a woman doesn’t need to be beautiful to have worth, we say we are all beautiful therefor we all have worth!  this is still backwards thinking. 

don’t let society tell you what features about you define your womanhood and femininity.

Yup I do, and yup I try but things like this make me want to second guess that. In a BIG way!

@theflowerstem@xanga - If she has a reassignment operation she is able to officially change her gender on her driver’s license. So, your statement, “You never will be considered a female” is false. However, by looking at her from the outside NOBODY knows what “private parts” she has, so if she thinks like a girl, acts like a girl, and looks like a girl she IS a girl as far as anyone is concerned. That statement you made wasn’t very nice. You have NO idea what people like her go through. You could never imagine. So, you saying what you said was probably hurtful, but also very unnecessary to say.

@xxGetWellSoonxx@xanga - According to the biological definition of female I am not false. So what if she changed her identity, she is biologically male and that can’t be changed.

@theflowerstem@xanga - It CAN be changed…with surgery lol Just like you can change your hair color, the size of your breasts, your weight, and everything in between. And, just because YOU believe nobody will ever view her as a women doesn’t mean everyone else thinks that way. You can’t speak for everyone. The FACTS are if she gets surgery, she is officially a female. Just like when you get married your last name officially changes.

@xxGetWellSoonxx@xanga - In Thailand, you can’t officially change your gender EVEN AFTER you had a reassignment operation. I know, quelle surprise! They are so open with the “third” gender in so many other aspects.

Maybe @theflowerstem@xanga is from Thailand or another country where people are officially recognized as what they are born with.

@xxGetWellSoonxx@xanga - You can not change your biological sex, just because you change your appearance doesn’t mean your biological sex changes. There is a big difference that you’re not understanding. Men don’t have ovaries like biological females do and just because a man changes his appearance from male to female doesn’t mean he is biologically female. When someone gets a gender change all that changes are their sexual organs that you can see when they don’t have clothes on.

@xxGetWellSoonxx@xanga - You edited and all I have to say is I am only speaking for myself I never insinuated that ANYONE other than myself would be looking at her as naturally male.@SweetNGuilty@xanga - Born and raised in America, just because I have that belief doesn’t mean I’m from another country. I wasn’t talking about gender.

@theflowerstem@xanga - Okay. Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope to God you don’t end up having a transgender child.

@xxGetWellSoonxx@xanga - Because you think that means I’m going to hate them? No. I would see my child as the person I raised it to be regardless of their gender identity and a lot of  famalies with transgendered childern do that. I can tell you’re frustrated with me because I don’t agree with your opinions, but don’t try to insinuate that I’m prejuidice because I’m not.

@theflowerstem@xanga - No, I mean if you would continuously tell, let’s say your biological son, that he’s not truly a female, and nobody would ever see him as a true female even though in his mind he is, that could really hurt him. That’s all. And, no, I’m not frustrated. Why would you think that?

I feel pressure to be thinner, but that’s pretty much it. I know I can’t change anything else, like my hair or my nose, so I honestly don’t worry about it too much. Obviously my weight doesn’t bother me too much because I still don’t have the motivation to get off my ass and work out every day.

@xxGetWellSoonxx@xanga - I wouldn’t tell him that no one else will see him as being truely female but I will tell him some people will think that way.

@theflowerstem@xanga - You’re clearly very sheltered when it comes to human sexuality.

@PinkLeopards@xanga - You may be right. If I came across a transgendered I would see them as their new gender I would call them man/woman out of respect for them and because of their appearance, but they would still be a male/female just not on the outside.

Random commenters: Actually, “sex” is biological and has to do with your reproductive organs and chromosomes.  ”Gender” is the state of mind of relating to/claiming to be a woman or a man.

OP: You ARE so beautiful. Thank you so much for writing this. <3

So excited to see all this great feedback and thank you for the many encouraging words folks. @theflowerstem@xanga -  Im not even going to try and enter this debate, since many others seem to have brought up similar points to what I would have…however I do want to point out that intersex individuals pretty much dismantle the sex dichotomy you have set up.

@mooshpitmatt@xanga - It’s not a debate. It’s just from my eyes it seems like transgenderds want to be considered biologically male/female and I’m thinking: what?

Idk. Everyone’s “beautiful,” but not everyone’s attractive. There are always going to be girls who most people will think are really really attractive.

Because of this, you’re always going to have girls who don’t think they’re attractive,

@Rose_Hikari@xanga - Thanks! I’ll definately check it out.

@theflowerstem@xanga - and a long time ago people said that ,males could not be pregnant but look at what happened with that one dude. He was able to carry a child. You can get a sex change, it takes extensive surgery and hormone pills but it CAN  happen. Looks like you’re behind the times dear. Plus, being female isn’t just physical, like others have said. Its a state of mind. 

@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Men can’t get pregnant because men, biologically, do not have a uterus.  The man is question is a transgendered individual, who I have no doubt identifies his gender as male.  From all outward appearances he is a male; I would call him a male.  But biologically, if he still has that uterus, he is female.

crap, i wake up and go to bed every single day feeling pressure from society to be pretty. I try so hard to believe I am beautiful in my own way but i’ve struggled with it my whole life.

Congratulations on finding your inner beauty You truly are a beautiful person!