Lovelyish

OK, don’t be too offended, but you’re blowing this a little out of proportion. 

1. Kiss on the cheek isn’t so bad, people kiss each other on the cheek as a sign of friendly affection. 
2. You two broke up. Does it really matter anymore?

exactly. are you guys planning to get back together?

if yes, then perhaps he won’t do it again if it matters to you that much.

if i were you, i would make sure that he wouldn’t do it again if he wants to get back with me.

if it hurts my feelings that much, i wouldn’t want to be with someone who kept doing that?

In some other countries, people kiss on the lips as a way of saying hello and goodbye.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with kissing on the cheek.  I think the real issue here is your insecurity, not what he’s doing.

Kissing on the cheek isn’t bad at all.  My friends and I kiss each other on the cheek all the time, in front of boy friends and girlfriends, no big deal.  That’s how we are.

The blowing kisses thing, I honestly don’t know though.  Usually my friends and I do that shit as a joke, but never seriously.

I partially agree with the commentors above. You guys are no longer together so I would leave it as a thing in the past. No sense in bringing up things that don’t matter anymore and getting depressed by it.

On the other hand, while you two WERE together, I don’t think it was appropiate for your boyfriend or ANY boyfriend, for that matter, to be blowing kisses to other girls when it made you uncomfortable. Given, you might not have been upfront about it when he was doing it or when she was doing it but out of common courtesy and respect for the person he is dating, a simple “hi” or “how are you doing” should have sufficed.

I know it may sound like being insecure to some people but just as you wouldn’t go grabbing someone’s ass while you are in a relationship with someone because you know it’s wrong and clearly inappropiate, blowing a kiss should be treated in the same manner. Again, it’s about respect.

He didn’t cheat on you…that’s pretty clear, since he didn’t hook up with her behind your back or anything like that but since you two are no longer together, just let it go. It’s over and done with.

Well. I know I would be mad.

I’m not going to sugar coat anything and say “it’s not that big of a deal”If MY man was doing that, I would DEFINITELY be upset.
I mean, you already said that he hooked up with her once and then she rejected him.
Before me and my now fiancée started dating he had a girl like that.  He REALLY liked her (or so he told me) but then he found out that she had had a boyfriend when they messed around and she just stopped talking to him.  I know that if they suddenly became good friends and she kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back, I would be livid. Just because I would know in my mind that he once really liked her and clearly she liked him too.
What I would do, is put him in my situation to try to get him to see how it feels. And if he said that I was overreacting and that it was no big deal then I’d start kissing my guy friends on the cheek and they would kiss mine back and then we’d see how he REALLY feels.
Call me insecure, call me a bitch, call me whatever.  But I must be doing something right considering I’m engaged to an AMAZING man and I’m only 20.

I wouldn’t get back together with him, If he thought THAT was okay, who knows what else he was doing that you don’t even know about?
Yikes.

I agree with the first poster.

Are those cheek kisses a way of greeting each other or done because he said something sweet or something?
If it’s the latter, I’d be upset if my bf did that or let it happen and I’m sure he’d feel the same way about me kissing another guy on the cheek “because he’s so sweet” or the other way around.

So what if we all think it is cheating right in your face? What can you do about it now? Does it help you getting over him in any way?

It’s fairly obvious that he wasn’t completely over her and she probably still had romantic/sexual feelings for him too, something might have been going on. If you can’t trust the dude, don’t get back with him.

*Xanga’s Batman Out*

To keep it simple…

If it bothered you, then there is a reason you’re bothered. Unless you are the type of girl that would get upset if he kissed his mom on the cheek or something crazy like that… then you have a right to be bothered.

You won’t get over it. You just won’t. And what kind of relationship do you really want if every time you fight (which every couple fights no matter how perfect they are) you will bring this up? Move on and find someone else who won’t make you feel this way.

@mydearparker@xanga - well, lovelyish took out this part of my post, but my biggest problem now is clearly that i CANT get over it and i don’t want to be that girl that freaks out about these things. i know in my head that it is not that big of a deal, and he did so many things to prove to me that he wasnt going to do it again and knew how much it hurt me. 

so i do know now that right now i have a problem with resentment and forgiveness. i need advice on how to move forward and not get so bothered by things like this.

While I agree with the commenters above, the guy knew it bothered you and still did it. Sounds like an insensitive POS to me.

You won’t get over the issue until you have an answer, so here is my opinion: What he was allowing that girl to do was wrong. So what if people in OTHER countries kiss as a way of greeting or depature, so what? America isn’t like other countries I’m sure your boyfriend and that foolish girl were born and raised out here so they both know that what they were doing was wrong. That girl was just trying to test the waters of your relationship and that boy was either too scared to tell her to stop or was he was just ready to move on to her since he liked her at first.

I wouldn’t like it. But y’all are broken up…?

I’m a little surprised at most of the comments actually, people seem to be missing the point.

Obviously, from reading the backstory, this was NOT just platonic, a “way of saying hello” or “friendly affection”. Maybe for the other girl it is (since she supposedly isn’t into him), but certainly NOT for your ex.  Your ex LIKED this girl and there is no way he’s over her just because she rejected him. The fact that she was initiating this kind of “friendly affection” in front of his current gf is also inappropriate, and seems to be a flirty way of asserting that she still has some kind of power over his emotions. Simply put, she knows that he still likes her and is flirting.

I’ve been friends with a guy, hooked up with him, but not felt the same way for him that he’s felt for me… and even though I’ve stayed friends with many guys after situations like this, we would never just begin kissing each other on the cheek, especially in front of his new girlfriend. Simply put, its inappropriate behavior from both the guy with a girlfriend, and the girl he hooked up with in the past.

However… its not considered “cheating”, that would definitely be an overreaction.

@breakup_hero@xanga - You won’t like the advice… but this is really the only way you are going to learn to cope with this…

Time. You need time. You need to first learn that people may make mistakes that hurt you. However, they are called mistakes because they did not do them with the intent to hurt you. It is something that I still am working on. Most people are. It is a very mature quality to understand that people who truly love you do not do things just to put you down or to make you feel upset or hurt or resent them.

Try looking at it from this way: Have you ever accidently physically hurt someone? Maybe you were play fighting with someone and hit a little to hard, maybe your nails were too long and you accidently scratched someone while trying to tickle them? Have you ever stepped on someone’s foot? Did you intend to cause them physical pain? No… of course not. But you still hurt them. Should they treat you as if you intended on causing them physical pain? No… of course not. You wouldn’t want someone to have a grudge against you because you accidently tripped and fell into them.

It is the same with emotional pain. He hurt you. It doesn’t matter how trivial that act was… he still hurt you. However, you have the choice to treat it as he planned on hurting you, or he did the emotional equivalant as stepping on your foot. Both still need an apology. Both still require a lesson to be learned and a behaviorial modification…. but one should leave an emotional scar, and one should be let go.

Hope that helps.

@micah@datingish - Hit the nail on the head. 

But as others have said, you need to move on.

I guess it’s not technically “cheating,” but it says a lot about him if he was still doing it for 3 months after you told him you weren’t okay with it.  I would say that the importance of the issue now depends on whether or not you’re getting back together with him.  If you have no intention of doing so, I’d say let it go.  But if you do decide to get back together with him, I would be very clear from the beginning about what is and isn’t okay.  It’s the grey areas (kissing on the cheek, flirting, blowing kisses, borderline inappropriate touching, etc.) that are the problem.  Personally I think you have every right to be pissed off and hurt if you told him how it made you feel and he didn’t stop right away.  I know everybody is like “Oh, it’s not that big of a deal, people in Europe do it.”  Yeah, well, this isn’t Europe and it would not have been okay with me in that situation either.  I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable for you to not want your boyfriend kissing another woman on the cheek. 

@mydearparker@xanga - thank you. i guess i am expecting some step by step process that can just erase all of it. but youre right, it just takes time and maturing and the right mind set.

it just sucks to deal with =_= lol

I wouldn’t consider it cheating but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to be upset about it. I would.

If it took him that long to tell her, then thats an issue. Plus, if you told him it bothered you then he should have just told her then. Maybe a kiss on the cheek doesn’t mean anything to some people, but I know I wouldnt be okay with my husband kissing anyone on the cheek….especially not someone he has a past with.

I seem to be one of the very few, but this is not okay in my books. I would be hurt. OP ASKED him and expressed how it made her feel, and yet he took his sweet time and continued to do it. The point is that he, at some point prior to the relationship, had feelings for the person. It’s not meaningless or friendly. Kissing other people of your preferred gender, cheek or lips or WHATEVER, is NOT EVER FAIR or normal, in my opinion. 

I wouldn’t like it either.

i think if you have to ask, then yes.

Sounds like you did the right thing. Try to move on.

I’d be pissed as heck. 

Don’t let it get to you. 

Wow, yea….you’re blowing this WAY out of proportion, especially since he DID tell her to stop, even if it wasn’t on your time table.

I wouldn’t consider it cheating, but I do believe that you have a right to be upset and that he’s a bit of a douche bag. If you were mature enough to confront him and tell him that you were uncomfortable with it and he didn’t do anything about it for 3 months? He doesn’t care enough….and you deserve better than that. I’d say forget this loser ever happened and look for a guy that treats you right.

oh no I would definitely hate it. Yeah blowing kisses is innocent, but blowing kisses at a girl that he liked but turned him down? and then he even kissed her on the cheek? I bet he liked that..

since you guys are broken up.. I would move on

Oh yeah, you have a right to be upset. I think there were definitely lingering feelings between your ex and that girl. As for what above commentors have said, I don’t agree that those kisses on the cheeks were just friendly signs of affection. Maybe if you’re greeting someone and kiss on the cheek, it’s considered a friendly gesture, but doing it while intoxicated or at random intervals? I think you’re in the right 100% to have been hurt by this, and I don’t think you’re overreacting. However, I don’t consider it cheating, since he did it right in front of you so he probably didn’t think too much about it.

it probably doesn’t mean anything, but i get what you mean and the feeling of insecurity.
i kind of experienced the same thing, and it just makes you feel left out and like he isn’t entirely yours. but you should remember that guys don’t think the same way that girls so, so when you express your concerns about it he probably thought you were whiny or paranoid. i went for the difference approach, i marked my territory (and not by peeing on him.. ), just simple things like kissing him in front of people (especially her) or holding hands, just to show that he was mine.

If you’re broken up, he’s not your boyfriend anymore.

You can be upset.  You are obviously a jealous type, and if it hurt you this badly and you are holding on to it this long, then you might want to look at what is causing this.  Jealousy is often the result of previous betrayals or self-esteem issues.  Can you explain why this has had such a great impact on you?  Because, honestly this level of jealousy will impact every relationship you have going forward.  Now, the fact he started blowing kisses back to her, well that was disrespectful to you.  Let me be clear on that.  But the kiss on the cheek was potentially harmless, since it is used as a greeting in some circles.   

if its a kiss on the cheek you shouldnt be getting really upset about it but if its more (while you are/were dating) than i guess i could see why you weould be mad

It never feels good to reject or be the one rejected. But, try to look at it this way. Each of you are good people..both with talents/gifts..It’s just that you didn’t fit well together.Seems like their feelings for each other still were smoldering.  It’s ok to feel sad..talk it over with friends..and then move on to someone who loves and appreciates you and isn’t kissing another crush..and, try not to be mad..next time, you might be the one with lingering feelings for someone else when you start dating another person…

Your ‘someone special’ is definitely out there somewhere..he just hasn’t found you yet!

I would be if we were together. I’d be upset if my bf kissed another girl on the cheek (only because most of his friends are guys) and esp. if it was a girl that had a crush on him. If we broke up, I might be upset if that happened but logically, I’d tell myself that it doesn’t matter anymore only because we broke up and he’s allowed to do anything he wants with another girl. Hope this helps. 

I come from a culture where cheek kissing is the norm as a greeting.

The blowing of kisses however is pushing it, “Cheating” might be too strong of a word without knowing intentions, but it wasn’t appropriate.

Sounds like cheating to me.

Well.. I’d say…. Well I’ve honestly been tempted to go after a guy who already has a girlfriend =( … but at the same time I know it’s wrong…… but I’d say… you are his girlfriend.. and if the guy isn’t giving you his all time devotion… like if your exclusive.. that means.. his kisses and attention should be exclusively yours.. that’s not selfish or immature to say either.. i would say….. if this guy is still being her friend….. that probably is a scarey thought… especially if shes getitng drunk w/ him and giving him kisses on the cheek that’s definitely flirting…. and when sober.. if hes giving her kisses back thats cheating……..

I’d say….. if youve been broken up w/ him…… i would wait for another guy to come into your life

go to Church….. and maybe pray for the right guy or meet a guy at Church thats what my dad tells me to do

You set a boundary and he agreed with it. There was no misunderstanding as to the terms, so by wilfully breaching his agreement he was unfaithful. It is irrelevant that others [extraneous to the relationship] might perceive the terms of the agreement to be extreme or unrealistic. It is for the parties of the relationship to mutually agree upon their terms and define their boundaries.

I don’t think it’s considered cheating, however, it doesn’t matter anymore. Let it go 

 - hun, it IS a big deal and you have every right to be upset. it is NOT ok for him to do that if you’re in a COMMITTED relationship! Other countries and other cultures have nothing to do with this discussion…they are irrelevant. That would be like me saying it’s ok to exhume our dead and dance with them because it’s a widely practiced holiday in mexico. HERE, that’s not ok. And HERE, it’s generally not ok in a committed relationship to show affection towards someone that’s not your partner. (excluding family members, obviously..that was also a ridiculous analogy because there is a huge difference between someone’s mother and a former love interest, unless we’re talking greek mythology and then they’re synonymous…haha) ..not necessarily because of trust issues (although that can certainly cause rifts) , but because that can send out the wrong idea, and cause some horrible situations and misunderstandings…i’ve learned from personal experience…don’t settle for anything less, and don’t give anything less. you deserve to be happy and feel SAFE, and LOVED and ADORED, and to make someone feel that way in return.

I think kisses on a cheek are alright but blowing each other kisses? That’s a little weird. I don’t think I would let that bother me unless they had feelings for each other, which clearly one of them did. 

Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. But WHILE you two were together I would have pissed. My man shouldn’t have any reason to be touching any other girl for any reason. I mean, a hug would have been okay, but lip contact is no bueno.

i would be ticked. that would piss me off so bad. my man is MY man. 

i’m on your side with this one girl.

bottom line is, if it makes you feel uncomfortable or you are not ok with it, he shouldn’t do it. he should have enough respect for to not continue a behavior if you have already told him you don’t like it

I probably would have told HER it wasnt okay with me too. Honestly though, I wouldnt have stuck around for that – to me its not appropriate and if he knew it hurt you and did it anyways -it wasnt right and COULD be considered cheating. In your case, I’d say yes because it did hurt you.

I’d keep walking.

I wouldn’t consider it CHEATING, no. There is just… sort of no way that makes any sense. Cheating is having some sort of RELATIONSHIP of some kind with someone else at some point, whether short term, or long term, emotional or physical, and a peck on the cheek is on no level even close to being that sort of thing at all. In many cultures, it’s a common greeting, and in our culture it’s not an uncommon thing for close friends or friends in general to do at all. May be odd, or unsettling, but it’s blowing it way out of proportion to consider it cheating, because cheating is A LOT more than just that.

While your in a relationship, he should consider your feelings and what you do like and don’t like, though. Just because it isn’t cheating doesn’t mean it’s not something he should keep doing if it bothers you. BUT you blowing the whole thing out of proportion to such an extreme likely made it all that much harder for him to handle properly, so I also can’t say he’s necessarily entirely to blame here either.

Blowing kisses is what makes this BAD.

&& if it felt like he was cheating, then he was. your relationship = your standards.

I’d french kiss his best friend in front of him.  Wait, what?  That should be okay too since I probably wouldn’t be attracted to his best friend.

I think you were very mature about it to tell him how you felt.
keeping this to yourself would only eat away at you and make things worse
and it is a little suss, maybe he still has feelings for her
but if he was able to tell her in the end to stop i guess it means he took your words in consideration.

I had a similar experience, only my boyfriend told me I was being unreasonable and made me feel like crap.
So if he wants to, and you want to, it might be ok to give it a second chance.

You’re allowed to be upset. I mean…you just don’t do that in a relationship. Like…if my boyfriend did that, I would freaking lose my mind. Also….the way you wrote that made it sound like he still liked her while dating you, which makes it even worse. When you’re in a relationship, and the other person does something to hurt you, they need to stop right when you tell them, not wait three months. I mean…honestly, if you love someone, your mission in life is basically to keep them happy, and never hurt them.

I absolutely think you have every right to be upset! I would be for sure! That’s not right for him to be like that with her when he’s with you!