It’s no news that college is the time of your life for drunken debauchery, and living in the thick of it–as opposed to with your parents–you tend to quickly pick up on a few things.
1. Only drink Four Loko under certain conditions. If you prefer getting slammed into being drunk rather than gradually getting drunk, drink Four Loko. If you have very little money but want to get drunk, drink Four Loko. But DO NOT drink the entire Four Loko. Because if you are a normal person you may explode. Or you’ll just get fat. (There’s 660 calories in one can!) Words of wisdom, people.*
2. The smell of alcohol-induced vomit lingers. Throwing up in your dorm after a big night out isn’t going to win you any favors. Gotta puke? Do it outdoors. In an isolated spot. In the woods. Or try a bathroom (the toilet, not the sink). Otherwise, it will stink up the entire floor for weeks and everyone will hate you. This isn’t a stench that can be covered up with heavy doses of Febreze and a strongly-scented body mist.
3. Even if you follow the two-week rule**, you can still become a drunk. Plan accordingly. Sometimes, people without alcohol experience only learn their limits when they go wild crazy and drink the equivalent of seven standard drinks (if you drink one Four Loko, you can get six of those drinks out of the way!) within a relatively short amount of time and then throw up four times and then cannot stand the idea of alcohol after that. You don’t want to be one of those people.
4. If you plan on drinking, it might help you to learn what kind of drunk you are beforehand. Are you a belligerent drunk? Depressive drunk? Mean drunk? Happy drunk? Funny drunk? Knowing this can help you make or lose friends. Not knowing this can give your drinking buddies ammunition to mock you for your freshman year transgressions for the rest of your life.
5. Drinking every night of the week is academic suicide. Like in real life, moderation and balance are key. As much as you want to participate in Tipsy Tuesday and Wasted Wednesday, if you’re partying every night you will probably be studying-deficient, which–shocker!–does not help your G.P.A. I hear academic probation is just as scary as it sounds!
*Due to recent legislation, the original formula of this drink is now illegal in a few states. And Four Loko took out the caffeine and taurine and guarina. Which basically means you’ll be left with a drink that tastes, overall, pretty crappy and disgusting. But it’ll probably still make you fat.
**This rule states that, in the first two weeks of college, you should not do anything that you did not do prior to coming to college. Most often, this refers to things like alcohol and drugs and random promiscuous sexual encounters.
What lessons did you learn about drinking from college, Lovelies?