Remember when you bought your first thong, and thought you were a complete bad ass? I bought mine when I was in seventh grade (before you get your knickers in a twist, I lived in Germany, and buying thongs was the height of cool in middle school. Not that I was EVER cool).
Now, my mom never even let me shave my legs or wear makeup before I was fourteen, so she absolutely forbade “sexy underoos,” or as she called them, “butt floss.” (See also: she called my budding breasts “cheerios.”)
I quickly became a thong-buying addict, because let’s face it: underwear is really pretty. Soon, I had a vast collection: leopard print (because preteen me was apparently a New Jersey party girl), Calvin and Hobbes-themed, pink, and pink see-through (I swear to God, I would ANNIHILATE my twelve year old if she bought pink see-through underpants).
Usually, I washed them while my parents were at work so they wouldn’t see me remove my verboten underwear from the dryer. Naturally, one day, my mom came home early, and for some reason, streaked immediately over to the dryer. You know, like that was a totally normal thing to do.
“SAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY…” (and then she last name AND middle name’d me…)
I slunk downstairs, where she was holding a handful of soft, glittery fabric (did I forget to mention ridiculous glitter thong?).
Mom: WHAT (she pronounced it like hh-what) are THESE?
I quickly constructed a lie.
Me: THEY’RE LARA’S.
Thank God I have a sister.
My mom believed me (or didn’t), and threw them away.
And that’s why I started going commando as a pre-teen.
2) No underwear
I love it, it’s awesome, I still do it (except under certain conditions—for more information read my other article on the subject).
3) Boy shorts
Every guy I talk to seems to think that boy shorts are the sexiest underwear out there. Honestly, I’ll have to agree–they’re much more flattering than thongs (and they won’t sit uncomfortably in your butt-place or possibly give you a UTI). Also, they don’t really have a terrible panty-line. Honestly, I don’t actually give too much of a crap if people can see my panty line (unless I’m wearing somethin’ fancy) but maybe that’s just me… you see, sometimes I like to wear:
4) Granny panties
Oh yeah. You know you all have some. Those giant, soft, kinda period-stained underwear that you wear when you a) are probably on your period (why risk accidentally ruining a PRETTY pair of panties?) and b) are having one of those fat days and want to swim in the comfort of vast amounts of swaddling butt-cloth. No, these aren’t for every day use, but they’re great. Just great.
So ladies (or adventurous young men), what are your favorite undies? Naming a specific pair is also a great idea– for instance, my favorite pair has the alphabet on them!