I was watching T.V. the other day when my Kardashians-in-Miami coma was interrupted by a commercial for the KFC Double Down. Bread has been replaced by two pieces of fried chicken in this bacon, cheese, and mayo sandwich, which made me want to check my T.V. screen for grease, take a shower, and hit the treadmill on behalf of America all at the same time.
I am starting to believe that there is a team of people in a secret laboratory who live on nothing but Crisco and bacon and are paid to supply fast food chains with concoctions that will make half of their patrons vomit at the site of the menu and the other half salivate at the thought of greasy-goodness. This lard-sandwiched Kentucky treat is not the only cheap eat that should come with a side order of triple bypass:
Hardee’s lovers rejoiced when the chain’s signature Monster Thick Burger (which weighs in at almost 1,500 calories and 107 grams of fat thanks to the buttered bun, double 1/3 pound beef patties, three slices of cheese, four slices of bacon, and mayo recipe) was turned into a breakfast sandwich. Feast your eyes on the Monster Busciut: three slices of bacon, a full sausage patty, four slices of shaved ham, folded eggs, and a few slices of cheese.
The Carl’s Jr. Breakfast Burger is basically an early morning buffet on a bun. The 830 calorie, 46 grams of fat, 275 mg of colesterol day-starter sqeezes eggs, beef, cheese bacon, and hashbrowns between a hamburger bun. Yes, that’s right, they put the hashbrowns in the sandwich!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Wendy’s Baconator Triple; three thick beef patties topped with melted cheese. And if that wasn’t enough, each patty is seperated from the next by a multi-slice bacon barrier.
Domino’s has created a new way to avoid doing the dishes! They’ve made their own dishware… out of food. These pockets of pure dough are chuck full of pasta, cheese, and meats. Somewhere, every grandmother in Sicily just shizzed their bed.
Sonic is known for, amongst other things, a side dish called “Ched R Peppers” (a crafty way to advertise cheese-stuffed, deep fried jalapenos). Now you won’t have to place a seperate order for your Ched R Peppers because Sonic has sandwiched them in between two cheeseburgers! Yay fast food innovation.
In n Out buger has a secret menu in addition to it’s printed one. Regular diners are hip to the chain’s secret items, and know all about the 100 burger. You guessed it- we’re talking one hundred beef patties smothered with 100 slices of cheese, all in between two buns. This “burger” will run you about 100 bucks.
I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocolypse. Jimmy Dean has wrapped a pancake (also available in chocolate chip and blueberry varieties) around a link sausage and violated it with a popsicle stick. A popular guest on Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show,this is the breakfast version of a corndog.
Hardee’s Bacon Western Thickburger isn’t something we’d ever associate with cowboys… you know, becuase they usually don’t crush their horses. This bas boy boasts a 1/3 pound of angus beef topped with cheese, beer-battered onion rings, bacon, onions, and BBQ sauce.
The Red Robin Wiseguy Burger; because when I think Red Robin, I think Italian. This ordinary hamburger got an upgrade with mozzarella sticks, marinara sauce, banana peppers, pepperoni, and tomatoes. Buon Appetito.
Have you ever ordered any of these items and survived?