At some point, I will stop taking cheap shots at Cosmopolitan magazine. Right now is not that point.

But hey, Cosmo, stop making it so easy for me! I'm the victim here. Specifically, of your hilariously titled article in the May issue "50 Great Things to Do with Your Breasts."

Wait...I can DO things with my breasts? Besides just...have them? Oh yes. According to Cosmo, your boobs are tools for some very creative seduction techniques...and apparently cooking aids as well. Here are the best spectacularly worst ones:

40. Put temporary tattoos of his name around your nipples. I hope he has a short name...unless you've got G cups, you're probably not going to fit "Jonathan" on there, ladies. 

24. When you're feeling sore around your period, wrap a refrigerated raw lettuce leaf around each breast and hold it there until it wilts. "Honey? Can you do our shopping budget a favor and use iceberg next time? You're wasting the organic mesclun."

19. Use them to give your guy a sensual back rub. I can't even picture this without cracking up. Seriously. 

33. Wrap a cool damp washcloth around each one after running errands on a hot day. And do what? Lie there?

11. Strategically place rose petals over your bare nipples just before he comes to bed. I'm sure your guy could use a good laugh--at your expense-- before bedtime. You'll be like the opening act for Jon Stewart on the Daily Show!

17. Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple and ask your man if it's spicy enough. Beginners, I'd start with gazpacho.

Perform all these wack job tips for your man (don't forget to wax your bikini area into the shape of an arrow! it's in the same issue), and you'll be in for an exciting night (in a straitjacket).

What do you think of Cosmo's latest advice?