As much as individuals try to claim otherwise, our society has a shallow fixation on looks.
While the personality determines whether a person is datable, often enough interest is caught through one’s physical appearance. This is a great thing for those who happen to be deemed to fit societies standards of beauty, but what about the rest of us?
In movies, often the main character undergoes a significant change in looks and external attitude that wins over their love. It’s actually kind of disgusting, how from a young age we’re shown that you have to change yourself to be considered worthwhile.
I think this might be where many self esteem issues stem from, the skewed vision that worth is determined by shallow aspects. We are taught through the media that to be stereotypically beautiful brings a better life.
Yet, this is life.
Those who fit in the tiny standard of beauty are given attention and affection, those who aren’t are told to change themselves. I was told that no guy would ever like me, because I’m too fat…
I’m not fat, am I? Oh, I suppose I am if you compare me to what is perceived as beautiful. Should I have to change my appearance just to attract someone? No. I shouldn’t. I look like me, not some plastic clone.
I think girls should be shown more positive examples of being themselves, no matter how they look. Beauty is only skin deep. I do not want to be only loved or liked when my hair is straightened perfectly or on days I do not eat.
What is more important? Being attractive/dating someone attractive or finding someone who loves you regardless?
daffodil / 1975 posts
Stop worrying about what guys think about you. Love yourself first and then love will find you.
guest
My family always taught me “It’s what’s on the inside that counts. But it’s the ouside that gets you noticed!”
I guess looks are important to an extent but personality and all the other stuff that makes you you are more important.
:/
guest
hell no
guest
Ummmm, NAW.
hydrangea / 84 posts
i most definitely do not fit into the standard idea of beauty, but i’m not thaaaat far out. i was with a guy who tried to change me, ditched it, and when i was feeling my absolute lowest, the boy of my dreams came in and claimed i was the girl of HIS dreams. someone, somewhere will find you amazingly beautiful, no matter what you and everyone else thinks.
dahlia / 2382 posts
“Beauty gets attention but personality gets the heart”-? I dont know who said it but I like it. I do agree that outer beauty gets noticed but we’re not going to look the same all the time. I want a man who will love men when I’m dressed to the nines or in my worn out tee with my hair in a messy ponytail.
guest
Um. NO.
guest
If the choice is A) love or B) your appearance, I feel like love wins out hands down.
Problem is, it’s never that simple.
sunflower / 329 posts
* shudder * That picture is terrifying!
And of course you shouldn’t change yourself for love…in any aspect. Self improvement is one thing, but changing yourself for the sake of someone else is a crime.
guest
NO! haha. be yourself! its the best way to go
cherry blossom / 36 posts
The important thing is to find a guy who loves you for who you are not the person you’re trying to become to please him.
guest
“True beauty lies within– but a little lipstick doesn’t hurt, and you may as well put on some powder, stand up straight, and dazzle ‘em while you’re at it.”
This was at the forefront of a book dedicated to beauty, and it was a quote of the author’s grandma. This basically sums it all up, in my opinion.
guest
fuck that. I didn’t change and I have love.
guest
if you have to change your appearance than I’m pretty certain it’s not love.
guest
“should i change my appearance for love?” i can’t believe this is even a freaking question. fail.
sunflower / 317 posts
I’m all for the “It’s what’s on the inside that counts” speech. I, for one, am not shallow to the point where if you aren’t hot, don’t talk to me. I’m not like that. BUT at the same time, I need to have that physical attraction to the person in order for me to be interested. And physical attraction is different for everyone. Some people look for straight teeth or blonde hair or what have you. Physical attraction isn’t the most important thing when it comes to dating, but it sure helps.
hydrangea / 98 posts
Through the years I have had many different looks and been different sizes and I’ve concluded that no matter how you look there’s always someone who will find it attractive. In the end no one is guaranteed to stay the way they look. Things happen and if you are with someone who only cares about your looks you could find yourself alone in a hurry. I think it’s better to choose a life partner who loves you not only your looks.
guest
When someone loves you regardless, that is love. Never try to alter your looks or personality for anyone because no matter what you do to try to please them, they’ll never be happy. That’s because they’re not happy with you. That’s what I think.
guest
no you shouldn’t change your appearance for love.
this topic has been long over done…
daffodil / 1540 posts
if you can’t find someone who loves you for what you are now, you’re better off alone.
guest
@soyeahthatswhathappened@xanga - perfect answer!! love you! lol
daffodil / 1540 posts
@Murderdolls_ELLE@xanga - i’ve waited so long to hear you say that!
guest
LAWL/WTF at picture.
http://xgirlxwithxattitudex.xanga.com/717463503/this-is-pathetic-ladies/
JUST SAYIN’. (Kanye shrug)
sorry ShimmerBodyCream, i stole your idea of bolding comments. D: just this once! i want people to see the entry i wrote. *attentionwhore attentionwhore*
guest
That picture scares me o-o.
But the answer is, never.
guest
If somebody really loves you you wouldnt have to change your appearance. Now I’m not saying it’s okay to be a slob and you will attract someone being slovenly…but if you have to revamp yourself and change who you are then why bother? Physical attraction makes a difference but if you have to be a model to attract that person then its really not worth it. True love transcends outer beauty. What if you got into an accident that left you disfigured? would that person still be with you? If not its not real love
xo
tulip / 5 posts
if he suggests u improve ur looks is not because he doesnt love you. He wnats you to lead a healthy life. No one is saying being fat is wrong, but with obesity it comes with a lot of diseases/problems.
guest
I hate how they changed the title of your post.
It was much better and conveyed the right effect with the original title.
http://breaking-expectations.xanga.com/719138666/i-am-undesirable-because-i-look-like-me/
guest
No, unless you’re a slob and have poor hygiene. Like, never wash hair/face.
That picture scares me. If she’s got skin disease, I will understand. But she looks evil.
guest
wow i thought no one ever talks about this…
yea whenever i go somewhere i try to either wear a jacket with a hood or something of that nature to hide my face and i always look down one time i was walking to work cuz my house is like 5 minutes away from my job so im walking minding my own business and someone in their car honks their horn first off if someone honks their horn and does not yell out my name then im not going to answer them and second if it is someone i dont know i turn down free rides….there have been plenty of times where people have wanted to give me a ride and im like no im just walking to work and point to the burger king sign and there like oh ok…..sorry i think i went way off track
yea my ex room mate tried hooking me up with someone that i dont even know and it was a skinny chick now i dont have anything against a skinny girl its just that im a buddha type of individual and i would rather prefer someone on the chunky side then someone that weighs about 110 on a rainy day
anyways this girl was skinny and she had a nice smile and two kids and nice hips i mean she looked like someone that belong to victoria’s secret anyways i walked to the local waffle house and got me something to eat and i was sitting there enjoying my food and my room mate says hey mikey so when r u gonna take ur gf out to a movie and get something to eat and i just kept eating my food and hes like ok ur not gonna tell her i might as well tell her so he told he says he not gonna date u because ur not thick enough so she stands up with her two kids and says fine mikey be that way i guess im gonna go home and cry myself to sleep
well come to find out later from a friend that my ex room mate was trying to get me to come over to his house with her so i can get laid….lmao wow amazing isn’t it now i have been single for 3 yrs going on 4 this year
i told one of my co workers that i dont even want to get laid i just want someone to talk to and bullshit with and possibly give a foot rub too (i have a foot fetish sorry)thats it i really dont see myself getting with anyone or having kids of my own if it came down to it i will go to a nearby sperm bank and donate and get paid at the same time i think about it this way i donate a little bit every month and someone ends up using my sperm to bring a child into the world and im scott free without having to worry about paying child support
sunflower / 320 posts
They aren’t getting my soul. If I worship them, then I have to buy their shit to be a failed carbon copy and the only reason the guy is obsessed with me is because of the sexual colors I’m wearing after being hypnotized by music. In our society, it’s status, status, status, so he’ll ditch me as soon as I grow grey or something hot comes along. If I want a guy, I’ll trick him into liking me, take his offspring then leave him. I don’t want a partner. I’m a trite threat because I don’t fit into any category, which is their goal so that they can market to you. I’m not even an anti-them. I’m evil. I don’t do anything though. I just can’t be a decent cow in the herd. Desperate males flock around me and make me crazy. If you have a relaxed look, you are seen as available.
guest
If you want to change your appearance, it should be because you want to … and not for somebody else.
sunflower / 320 posts
@seabass8321@xanga - you too. People try to get me in their cars constantly. No go. You can’t straight out reject people either or they become a little bit too obsessive. I’m so purdy, not. People try to hook me up with people too, and I laugh at them. It’s your good heart, ain’t it? Hey, little boy instead. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fzab_LKC5v8
sunflower / 320 posts
@BlehhItsTu@xanga - I would be on that side of the spectrum, and it never seems to matter how low I go. My skin once looked that when I was super stressed, exposed to too much sun and ate too much sugar.
daisy / 556 posts
Obviously, if someone will only love you if you fit a certain model of beauty, then that is not real love. Its not only based on the physical, but its also based on a lie. And either way, it doesn’t matter, because its just a shallow attraction that is skin deep and probably isn’t going to last.
So, if you change yourself to be loved, you aren’t going to really be loved, anyway. So, its kind of a useless thing to do, if you think about it. :/
guest
Finding someone who you find attractive and whom finds you attractive as well. Remember girls, just because some boys don’t like the way you look doesn’t mean you won’t EVER find a guy who will! And he’s going to love all those little imperfections you have!!
guest
Lust of the eye is a real thing. I have been passed over by two different guys because they wanted a girl who look a certain way but was like me on the inside. I was told by a guy that he wanted like me. For some reason at the time,I thought it was a respect. Who dates and marries based on looks for the first part and heart comes second. I am christian and it is hard for me to understand how christian guys still look at the flesh first then the heart second. Trust me it happens.
guest
@LauraG0929@xanga - agreed!! that picture can give nightmares
guest
I definitely believe first impressions are pretty important when it comes to attracting someone. It gives you the opportunity to make yourself known, but as time passes and the two of you get comfortable with hoodies and t-shirts, then great!
daisy / 502 posts
It’s obvious that if someone doesn’t accept you for the way you look, then that person isn’t for you. But let’s be realistic. Everyone wants to be loved and if they feel like they need to alter something about themselves then that’s on them. We should all accept ourselves but of course, that’s easier said than done. HOWEVER, I agree that no one needs to change who they are or their appearance to be loved. True love isn’t shallow.
guest
Love yourself and find someone who loves the you you love.
guest
@Angelsdelight@xanga - Christian or not, they’re still humans and are therefore limited.
sunflower / 490 posts
no.
if they love you, they wont just love you for your appearance.
and that picture is creepy.
guest
You have to enjoy your own appearance, so if you want a haircut, or new outfit or lipstck, get it. (Within reasonable budget restraints of course). However, never change your appearance for someone else. If a guy wants you to cut your hair, or wear revealing outfits (or cover up completely even depending on his predjudices) refuse to do it just for him.
On the level of personal experience, I can tell you that for years I was athletically fit and well groomed. Absolutely no dates!
Now Ive let myself slip a bit, and I’m overwhelmed with attention. The main difference is who I’m talking to, and how I’m sharing my interests. I’d like to be fit again, but thats just for myself.
guest
original topic
guest
Finding someone who loves you regardless of course. You make a good point. Society today bases too much on appearance. I believe you are as beautiful as you believe you are. In the end you dont want someone to fall in love with your looks. Although in the beginning of dating a lot is judged on looks at least till the person knows you and thats the problem, but I think there are different types of beautiful people. People who look beautiful and people who act beautiful meaning confidence. If you like the way you look so will the rest of the world
guest
i think you’re missing the point. making yourself look good, aka keeping up with good hygiene and dressing well etc. is a way to respect yourself. and you cannot have a good relationship with anyone, including yourself, if you do not respect yourself and take care of yourself. i think this is ultimately what is being valued and it happens to help you in dating too.
oh, and if that picture of you is any representation of your current weight, you are not fat. you are not even fat according to what society thinks is beautiful. so don’t even try to make yourself into the victim you seem to be striving towards.
guest
i refused to look the way i knew would attract men because i just didn’t like the idea of doing it…and i was single for 4/5 years as a result. the guy who started dating me after those 4/5 years tried to coerce me into conforming in more normal standards of beauty, which was an utter failure for both me and him. the other guys i tried dating also did annoying controlling shit about my appearance like that (and i am not even that out there)
i finally found a guy who likes me for my weird self and doesn’t try to make me change my appearance. since he doesn’t try and control my appearance, i don’t care that much when he asks me to something like leave my hair long for a while instead for a change. minor changes are fine within reason but revamping your entire style for any guy is dumb!! only change on your own terms :3
guest
You should never change your appearance for anyone else, but yourself. If you want to change it on your own accounts, well then thats your decision, but because of love? It’s not love if you’re not loved for who you truley are.
guest
just a tip. dont get too comfortable in a relationship. if you let yourself go entirely thinking that your appearance really does not matter at al in a relationship.. its like the guy starts believing that you are just becoming lazier and lazier and idk if that is necessarily a good thing. but i wouldnt do anything you know.. extreme. but i would def be my normal self. though it doesnt hurt to dress up once in a while xD
guest
To be honest, one of my standards for a significant other is he has to be attractive. This does not mean he has to be drop-dead gorgeous. This means I have to be attracted to him. No one wants to date a person who they can’t look at.
I think it is also important to have someone who loves me for who I am.
And I think it’s okay to change your appearance for love, as long as that’s what you want.
For a long time, I never wore make-up, wore girly clothes, especially dresses; I never let my hair down, or styled it in anyway.
I was saving it for the one who be my lover. I changed for love because I wanted to. I wanted to be the woman around him and no one else.
I don’t think you should change your appearance for love if you feel you like who you are right now.
guest
Although it is undeniably shallow, it is the biological draw to it that fans flame of infatuation and at times it can be the healthiest option.
I was mordbidly obese when I met the man I’m involved with now and lost over 1/2 of my bulk with his approval as incentive.
So sometimes it’s imperative to have a motivator that is so shallow even when it’s for all the wrong reasons. . .
guest
Here’s the thing. For some people working out and getting in shape helps with endorphins (happy chemicals) and finding self confidence. I think the key factor here is self confidence. If you decide that you love yourself in your own skin and dress yourself well, even if you are a size 12 or something, you’ll still find guys all over you.
Also recognize this, men until their mid twenties suck at realizing what’s important and wanting to commit- just in general, looking at the male population. So it might just take some time for you to find Mr Right
If your friends are pressuring you to do X Y or Z to pick up a guy, jeez get new friends who are actually supportive!!
guest
if it makes you happy
hydrangea / 57 posts
I say that physical attraction should compliment an attraction between personalities rather be a hugely important factor. I mean, someday, if we get married, we’ll grow old together… wrinkles and all… and let’s face it– we won’t be young pretty.
Just a thought.
guest
Love is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than beauty. I know that physical attraction is an essential part of a relationship, but you shouldn’t change yourself in any way for someone else. Be you, all of you, and you’ll find someone who loves you for you. I know it’s hard to be 100% ok with who you are, but try to love yourself first. =)
guest
you shouldn’t have to change yourself for love if he doesn’t like you the way you are know just leave him he not worth it in the end
daisy / 555 posts
first, that picture is so creepy! second, be your natural beautiful self because if you get married to that person, you won’t wake up with make-up on if you catch my drift.